Hey there @Liskii06 and welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing with us about what you're going through, it does sound like this has become incredibly stressful and confusing for you to navigate alone. So it's awesome you are able to be open and talk about it with us here 😌
First off, I just want to say that you are definitely not alone in your experiences. Romantic/sexual relationships can be very intense, both to seek out, and to be in. I've spoken to many folks who have had similar experiences and just wanted to assure you that there's nothing wrong with you - and as confusing as it may be, it is something that with time and support, you should be able to work through and understand.
Do you have any mental health supports in place? The intensity of the feelings of panic, and the distress this is causing, could be something to explore with a therapist, if you're open to it. Relationships come in all different shapes, and whilst romantic/sexual relationships are only one kind of relationship we might be in, they certainly can carry a great amount of emotional weight in our lives. We are social creatures by nature, and working on understanding ourselves (in therapy or through other means) is often also a good way to understand who we are in relationships, and become more attuned to the reasons we may be struggling to find/create them. Food for thought!
I wanted to share with you this thread where others in our community identify along the asexual/aromantic spectrum. I know you say you don't want to be ace, and that's okay! It could still be worth exploring and connecting to the community there, just to see if anything resonates with your experiences. There's also some further reading and resources you could look through here and here.
It is awesome that you've decided to talk about these things, and we will be there beside you to support you however you choose to approach this journey 😊💚
