We’ve all had the experience of feeling hurt by another person such as being betrayed by someone we consider a friend. While feelings of anger, frustration and hate are natural responses to being hurt, holding on to these feelings may do more harm than good. In fact, research has linked chronic anger to worsened mental and physical health. On the other hand, forgiveness has been linked to improved mental health, emotional health and physical health.
So what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is when someone voluntarily sets aside feelings of resentment towards someone who has mistreated them in some way. By doing this, the forgiver allows themselves to let go of deep negative emotions and make space for empathy towards the person who has hurt them.
In saying this, there are also many things that forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not:
- Just accepting what has happened - While acceptance can be helpful where you feel that things are out of your control, forgiveness requires more than acceptance.
- Saying that what has happened is not serious - Forgiveness does not mean trivialising what has happened.
- Forgetting, condoning and/or excusing what happened.
- Exposing yourself to mistreatment or danger again.
- Reconciliation - Reconciliation is the extra step taken to rebuild a relationship after forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not always a straight path and anyone can find themselves jumping back and forth between the following steps. It’s absolutely okay to give yourself some time to reflect on your feelings. If you’re finding it too distressing to remember what has happened, here are some support services that offer direct one-on-one support.
So what are the steps to forgiving someone?
- Remember - Visualise what has happened as objectively as you can.
- Acknowledge and reflect non-judgmentally - Reflect on how you reacted, what feelings came about and how you felt afterwards. Allow these feelings to wash over you.
- Empathise with the other person - Try to see the event from the other person’s point of view. Recognizing that no one is perfect can help to foster understanding. NOTE: This is not to trivialise what has happened and the hurt that was caused.
- Decide to forgive - Commit to your decision to forgive by expressing it to the person who hurt you. Sometimes this may not be possible if it isn’t safe to contact the other person. Another option could be to write it down in a journal or a letter or talk to someone you trust about it.
- Hold on to the forgiveness - Let go of the negative feelings towards the person you’re forgiving and hold empathy for them. This can take some time and it’s natural to cycle back to the previous steps. Be patient with yourself.
You can also check out our article on how to forgive someone for more tips!
Remember, forgiveness is not minimising what has happened, it is about allowing yourself to willingly let go of the negative emotions that come from being hurt by someone.
