Ask A Pro Live: Opening Up To Parents

Thanks @Hannah-RO  - and I think this one follows on a bit from the last question... and I have to admit that it's one I really found myself thinking about a bit. 

Self harm is something that a lot of parents can find pretty confronting.  Much like talking about any mental health concerns, picking your moments to talk (so a time when everyone’s calm and can focus on the conversation is ideal) is important. Fear of the unknown can also drive a lot of those freak out reactions, so sharing some information with them could help a lot – Reach Out Parents has some really great resources for parents on self harm, and it may also help them to know what supports you have to help you ,  and if there’s any strategies you use to help you stay safe.

Some parents we speak to on the forums take a really pragmatic approach – for example, they  make sure that they are really open about any first aid that may be needed and have supplies, for, and help their kids work on strategies that can help to avoid self harm.  So you may be surprised at how your parents react, and I think being as open and honest as possible is the best way to go.  I think it’s often human nature for us to imagine the worst, especially as parents when we’re scared for our kids, so giving as much info as you feel comfortable giving could help that.

If you’re really worried about how they react, having someone to support you like a school counsellor or other trusted adult there with you while you tell them could be another option.  

To be honest, I think it can be really hard to predict how a parent will react with those kind of discussions – all you can do is prepare yourself as much as possible for the conversation, and make sure you have supports for yourself if needed. I’d like to think that I’d be able to stay really calm if one of my kids came to me and said they were self-harming, I know how much courage that takes- but I can understand how in that moment, I might still have a really fear driven reaction. 

I'm so glad that your psychiatrist was able to be a good support for you and get through to your parents more @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - it can be so huge having someone like that in your corner! I can completely understand why you'd end up hiding things if you were told that things were just for attention 😞 That is really, really tough. 

I think those are some good ideas @Janine-RO! 🙂 I think you're right that a lot of parents don't really understand much about mental health conditions, or even physical health conditions. I'm constantly having to explain things about my symptoms to my parents and they're in the medical profession. Sometimes, they don't get why I'm able to do a certain thing (usually to do with my vision) on one day or time, but can't do it at other times. My mum also thinks my restless legs syndrome is 'just a cramp'. I think a lot of parents also think about other people who have had the same conditions when everyone's symptoms are different.

That is so true @WheresMySquishy , and I think there's been a pretty big change over the last few generations with how much we know and speak about mental health. There's still a long way to go but I do think it's amazing how much more we're able to speak about mental health - it must feel so frustrating when your parents don't really seem to get what is going on for you 😞 And yes, so important to recognise that people's experiences can be so different 

I also wanted share this awesome article from our content team on 6 tips for talking to your parents about mental health – there’s a heap of really clear and practical tips there! From a parent’s perspective, I can honestly say that I would do anything humanly possible to support my kids, but I also don’t always get it right the first time. If your parents don’t respond the way you were hoping, they may just need more time, or you may need to lean on other people in your life for support . Parents may also be struggling with their own mental health- but hopefully seeing you being really open and honest about where you’re at could also be a really valuable lesson for them, and encourage them to get help for themselves.

I’d love to know what people have tried that’s worked for them talking to their parents too!!

@Lost_Space_Explorer5  she did spaghetti and meatballs, in a slow cooked sauce that simmered for 2 hours, she did everything from scratch and it was amazing! Also have to admit that she's known how to make a proper coffee on our espresso machine thingy for 2 years or so, one of our better parenting hacks that one 😉

@WheresMySquishy  totally! My daughter used to think "bossy boots" was "bossy boobs" for some reason, and would indignantly tell me her boobs were not bossy (?!!) at aged 3... she also memorably yelled to me when I dropped her off to preschool one day "Have a good day mummy! And I hope your pimple gets better. It's REALLY BIG!!!" 

(To be fair, it was)

Good to see you @Janine-RO! Aww, you sound like such a good mum  I adore little kids and the funny things they say.

@WheresMySquishy - I agree that some parents don't understand many things about mental/ physical health conditions. It can be hard because the medical field is constantly changing -- when we're older, there might be new insights into mental health/ psychical health and we may act similarly!  I also have/have had restless leg syndrome, but luckily (or unluckily) my mum gets it too so she understands. It's such a tricky thing though, I find most doctors barely understand! 

I'm not sure if it's mentioned yet, but sometimes what seems to be a dismissal of symptoms can be a coping mechanism for a really worried parent. Even though it's very frustrating, I know that's the case with my mum. I could use an anecdote from yesterday actually, I was (am) having these weird jerky mini seizure things that have never happened before, and I was concerned and scared so I wanted to go to the ER. When I told my mum this, she urged me for ages to 'just take a bath', 'go for a walk'. I find usually the best time to talk to Mum is in the car or over dinner, so I sat down to eat with her and explained what was happening, and she understood why I wanted to go to the ER and started acting more sympathetic + concerned. (I'm okay -- ended up going to the ER today but everything appeared normal so going to GP tomorrow!). 

Nice to meet a fellow restless legger @Hozzles! It is a bit of a weird condition and it's hard to explain it to people. I've heard that it's genetic, but I don't know anyone else in my family who has it. I only know one other person with it but they had a family history of it.
Those seizures sound concerning! 😞 I hope you get relief from them. When I had pain in my side from my kidney stones, my parents were dismissive and my mum told me to go by myself to hospital, so I did. Then they got annoyed because I went by myself. They told me later that my dad and grandpa also had them, but they were in a lot more pain than I was despite me being worse than them so they didn't think it was that serious. My urologist just put it down to me being young.

@WheresMySquishy haha, that's the worst when you have a problem but only find out later there's a family history of it! One of my eyes started turning in sometimes, and after I got it looked at my mum told me that actually, my grandma had surgery to fix a similar problem as a child, and so did my grandma's sister! There's also a lot of mental health conditions in my family that I only heard of later. It just answers so many questions, and it kind of feels better when you know it's genetic (at least for me, it's kind of like... ah, nothing much I could have done if I'm built this way! ). 

@Hozzles  Hahaha I hate when my parents only mention 'critical' information after the appointment. Doctors were asking me if there was a family history of kidney stones and I kept having to say, 'Not that I know of'. Turns out, the family history was very strong and I was told I had them to thank for this. I was unlucky to inherit a lot of different conditions from my family members.
My family also has a history of mental health conditions. I feel like it's kind of hard to open up to my family members because they have their own issues and I don't want to make them feel worse.

So sorry @Hannah-RO , I somehow totally missed that one! Classic GIF too!!

How do I stop losing my temper with my parents and doing things which I'd later regret?

I think the fact that you’re asking this question is huge!! I was also guilty of losing my temper at my parents quite a bit – sometimes really simple things like deep breathing can be really helpful. Learning how to breathe properly into my diaphragm and slowing it right down was a total game changer for me, it’s definitely something  you need to practice though.

In my house, we sometimes find it’s much better to end a conversation if everyone is getting really upset, and people can go for a quick walk/ have some time to themselves, and pick things up again when you’ve calmed down. Sometimes we’ll literally say “I’m feeling really upset and angry at the moment and I need to calm down, can we talk about this again later?”. Going for a run / playing sport / yelling in to a pillow can all be really good ways to get those feelings out, without directing it towards other people.   It can also help to look at when you tend to lose your temper, and what might be behind it.  

I think that leaving the room is a good strategy too @Janine-RO. 🙂 I've done that a lot of times myself.

That is a great strategy @WheresMySquishy - sometimes it's best to just remove yourself from the situation

Glad you're doing alright @Hozzles  and everything appeared normal. Hope things go ok at the GP tomorrow. 

I also have to echo what you're saying about the power of a car chat, I feel it can be such a good environment for big talks about feelings.

I think setting those boundaries take a lot of practice @Janine-RO - but I think I'm getting better at it ! Having practiced being assertive has definitely helped 

@Hozzles aww, that is very sweet of you to say. I'm sure if you asked my kids they would tell you I have my good and bad days and stuff up regularly! But I do really love being a parent and do try bloody hard to be the best I can be. 

I 100% agree that dismissing things can be a coping mechanism for parents, and that must have felt incredibly frustrating for you when you were feeling so unwell 😞 I'm so glad you were able to sit down and be heard in the end, I also find meal time or driving to be some of the best times to chat! Something about having something else to focus on can make communication easier, weirdly. 

@Janine-RO for sure, normal face-to-face conversations can be so intimidating. I also regularly text/ message my mum if anything was concerning, I've been doing that since I was a child. Even though we live in the same house, it just makes communicating so much easier. 

I'm a bit of a mean mum and my daughter's only allowed a 'dumb' phone @Hozzles  (a super oldschool Nokia haha) but she's the same, and we will often text when we're both at home . I'm already starting to see how valuable it is having multiple ways of communicating - we also write letters to each other sometimes. 

That's so funny! My sister used to say and do similar things and embarrass my mum.

And yeah, it's really impossible to pick one favourite thing - it's so many tiny moments. Seeing them learn something new,  my daughter cooked dinner all by herself the other night which was bloody amazing! Seeing them change before your eyes, and laughing more than I ever have in my life. Toddlers: especially hilarious. I also love revisiting things I loved from my childhood with them - lots of trips to the zoo, and bushwalks, and favourite stories. 

Hi @Janine-RO @Hannah-RO!
So excited for this chat! 🙂

Hey @WheresMySquishy ! We're excited too!