Therapy Stuff

Thanks @Anzelmo for your commendation 🙂

Hadn't thought about that second paragraph before. I guess writing on these forums are kind of like a warm up for writing for a psychologist. The main difference though is this is 100% anonymous. Where as I'm going to see my psychologist face to face.

Yeah I've always been a massive fan of journalling. It's my space to dump the contents of my brain, and try to organise them and make them make sense. It's my way of venting without anyone else being involved, which feels safer.

Whatever I write or plan... I feel like I freeze as soon as I get into the session. Which is where emailing ahead of time is probably the most likely to work for me.

I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet eventually

@Akinna I'm so glad you're feeling more comfortable with your new psychologist.

For what it's worth, it's actually not uncommon at all for people to feel like it's hard to speak in therapy - it can be a pretty confronting environment and if people tend to shut down or freeze up when they're stressed, then that can happen in counselling sessions too.

I've experienced this myself at times and I wanted to say that I think the stress that triggers the freezing up does tend to get less overall as trust and rapport build with the therapist (if it's a positive relationship).

Grounding exercises can also be really helpful during a session - things that can help you to feel more present and bring you back into a less stressed state; there are some nice ideas listed here if you'd like to take a look. 
I'm not sure if they interest you, but if they do, your therapist might be able to support you with them too. 

I love your idea of emailing ahead of time if you feel like that's something you'd be more comfortable with - it's great that your new psychologist has suggested emailing as an option too. 

Sometimes if it's hard to speak during an appointment, it can also be helpful to email straight afterwards to let the therapist know some of the things you wanted to say but couldn't while it's fresh. 

It takes so much courage to face these types of situations and persevere when it's so hard and I really hope your courage and perseverance pay off for you sooner rather than later. 💛

Thanks @King04 I agree that a nice thing about writing isi being able to edit and think a bit.

Well done for using that strategy when talking to your mum! Because it's one thing to know a stratergy and another thing to use it. So good for you 🙂

Reply Thanks for your reply @Courtney-RO (couldn’t be bothered replying until now)

I love my new psychologist (especially compared to my last one). I feel like her personality is more like mine. And she is running the sessions more like I expect a psychologist to. I already feel way more comfortable with her.

But verbalising stuff still just feels impossible. Which I guess this is where I might have to rely on writing. Because like I said to @Anzelmo I feel like I tend to just freeze at the start of the session.

I could try talking about lighter stuff. But I feel bad if I think I’m wasting time because I know my parents are paying and it’s not cheap. And even though they’ve always said they don’t mind spending money if it’s for my health… I know money has been tight these last few years, and they have spent probably thousands on my health over the years. Which just makes me feel guilty. Which makes me feel pressured to make the most of appointments. Which just makes me freeze even more.

My psychologist asked me to get a Bipolar workbook, which I have just started. And I haven’t really moved past the first real chapter because I’m already like, ‘ok. I 100% need help with this.’ It’s about acceptance of having Bipolar.

Reading through that chapter, I’ve realised that instead of accepting, I deny, distract, and dissociate. Just trying to force myself to write an acceptance sentence in that book was so upsetting I had to stop and return to denial, distraction, and dissociation.

It’s good this book is giving me some sort of guideline to what to talk about. But that chapter has kind of shown me probably another reason why I find it so hard to talk about my mental health. Because it’s hard to talk about something you spend so much time trying to not accept.

Also… being scared of helping myself. Sounds pretty confusing, right? And it is.

My guess is that helping myself is out of my comfort zone. I don’t remember feeling anything other than how I feel right now. I guess I haven’t always felt this way. I just don’t remember it. So trying to feel anything other than this is out of my comfort zone and scary.

And my brain throws so many convincing doubts at me that target my weak spots.

For ages, my brain has been constantly tossing and turning between ‘this is overwhelming I don’t want to stay’ and ‘you’re making this up, you don’t need help, you’re a waste of time.’ And even though I have things to contradict both of these extremes, the extremes are so strong and they always win. But if I help myself and I do feel better, then my brain tells me that would prove I was making this all up. So then I try to let myself spiral because I want validation that this is real. Which lets my brain tell me this is my fault, and that I’m making it up. Which leaves me stuck in the confused, grey, middle area.

So I often really doubt if I should just stay this way forever. But as soon as I start thinking about that, what that thought makes me want to do, proves to me that I do want to feel better despite all my inner confusion.

I feel like this is something to bring up ASAP so I’m not so scared and confused about actually applying strategies we talk about.

In case you can’t tell, I’m very good at analysing stuff lol. I love it.

But analysing only gets me so far.

Anyways there’s another way too long brain dump.

I’ll probably put most of this stuff into the email. I wonder how long is too long lol?

Hi @Akinna 

Just wanted to check in on how you were doing. I think brain dumps on the forums are fine and even encouraged especially if it makes you feel better and it continues to warm you up to talking about your experiences more openly with your therapist. 

Also, it's really great that you are aware of the things you are experiencing, and your habits. Being knowledgeable about that and recognizing those things are really important and often it's a difficult step for some people. As you said, doing things more practically and applying some healthy coping strategies would be the next goal.

When you say that you freeze up during your sessions, do you know what triggers this for you, and has your therapist worked on anything else with you that can help you communicate without feeling the pressure?

Also, how have you been feeling about writing those emails that you mentioned before?

Hey @Anzelmo

Thanks for checking in, sorry I’m super slow at any replies lately

The email thing has been going good. My psychologist likes it too. It gives us something to start with, and it’s how I most freely express myself.
Think freezing is related to not trusting people, just not used to talking.

It’s so hard to give myself permission to help myself. Permission to have a better day. Permission to relax.
Haven’t used those exact words with my psychologist (probably something to put in the next email). But have briefly talked about just these beliefs I seem to have about not deserving to feel better. Am yet to get to the bottom of that.
I know I don’t want to feel like this. I know I need to help myself. But my mind very strongly tells me the opposite. So it’s harder to help myself when it feels wrong. But then I feel bad for not helping myself.
Confusingggg
She said more than one emotion can exist at the same time. Guess that principle applies to that situation

Mindfulness vs dissociation is so hard.

And I have a new little cousin born yesterday! First little cousin. Flying out tonight to meet him.
Just sucks I can’t actually feel genuinely excited/happy yet.
There’s no way I’m telling my family because that would upset them and I don’t want that.
So time to fake my emotions again 🙂
Hopefully that changes, although I not like my track record. But maybe I’ll surprise myself.

Hope everyone is having a good day 🙂

Hey @Akinna 

Firstly, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I know that it's not easy to open up and talk about things that are difficult in your life. I'm really proud of you for being able to do that here. And like the others said, I'm sure that with more practice and time on here, it will help you speak more openly with your psychologist.

I'm really happy you like your new psychologist too! It can be difficult sometimes to adjust to seeing a new psychologist. It takes time to trust someone new and feel like you're comfortable enough to open up to them. I'm glad you have found that emailing ahead of time helps! ❤️

It sounds like you're really good at being self-aware and you're genuinely interested in learning more about yourself and your mental health. That's a big step in and of itself! I'm proud of you for taking that step. Getting started is always the hardest step. 

Healing definitely takes time, growth, and determination. Things that you're showing already! Your willingness to reach out and ask for advice on how you can best help yourself during sessions with your psychologist, the insight you have after reading the book, your ability to practice sharing your feelings online here... it's all good progress! 

I hope you're doing better today ❤️

Hi @Akinna 

Thanks for the update! I'm also quite slow on replies these days 😅

It is exciting that you're going out to meet new family and hopefully you're able to find some time during then to relax and take a break for yourself, but I know that family trips can be exhausting. Also not feeling as happy and excited as others is not necessarily a bad thing, because everyone has their own thing going on. Don't feel too bad and be hard on yourself for having to "fake it till you make", because sometimes it actually works because we learn to wire our brain and associate certain things/actions with certain emotions, but that's a conversation for another day. 

I'm glad to hear that your emails are working well and that you are making progress with your psychologist. You also mentioned not giving yourself permission to have a good day or relax. Do you mind me asking what you usually do in your spare time or generally what takes up your day on a normal basis?

All the best! 💙

Hi @Akinna 

Firstly, please know that you can take your time replying. While we absolutely love to hear from you, there is no pressure to quickly respond here ❤️

Secondly, thank you for your incredibly insightful and reflective posts! I'm sure many people can relate to your thoughts about receiving treatment, and difficulties with giving yourself permission to care for yourself. I'm reading that you're feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, you think you don't deserve treatment and you are afraid of change as you are used to/ comfortable with your negative emotions. However, on the other hand, you no longer want to feel this way, and you also want to feel better for your parents, which also comes with a sense of pressure.

I must say, I think it is great that you are talking so openly and honestly on here. I'm guessing doing this must be somewhat difficult, as you have stated that you find sharing these things difficult. The more you talk about these things, the easier it will become for you. So this is actually very good practice, and I just wanted to point out the amazing job that you are doing to try and better your situation and overcome these obstacles along the way.

We are here with you along the way ❤️.

Hey everyone @Maddy-RO @Anzelmo @Philippa-RO @ayrc_1904 whoever I haven't replied to. Thanks for your encouragement.

So much has happened since my last reply/post, good and bad.

- Holiday with fam was ok, just spent more time than I would like in a depressive episode but that was to be expected. Hard having family on the other side of the country.

- Dissociation is slowly improving

- The constant Bipolar (bp) episodes are still going. A week of hypomania was a nice change before depression returned yesterday.

- Email before therapy appointment is going great

- Got my licence last week which is so awesome, even just little things like driving myself to and from work

- Being 18 means no more compulsory full time study. So I'm currently working and looking for work based on my qualification. I have a good lead on new work.

- My bp diagnosis is officially a yr old. Mixed feelings.

- I think I've started to accept my diagnosis. 

- Was able to book an initial consult with a new psychiatrist (over $500, ouch!). It’s good because I've been wanting to change most of the year.

I’ve started a mind map of my mind. I’ve realised beliefs about being a burden affect my life so much. Beliefs probably created by the fact that I was a medically expensive child (and still am). This belief affecting literally everything. Like if I’m a burden @Maddy-RO then I don’t deserve help or to feel better. I have to be perfect to prove I’m ‘good enough.’ 

Lots of new stuff to talk with psychologist about.  

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I never let myself have 'sick' days because of my bp. I work in a kitchen, and the expectations feel so high. I feel like I have to be perfect, and I’m very insecure about being ‘good enough.’ My bp makes everything harder and I hate when it slows me down at work. I overthink and probably exaggerate tiny things, my brain warning me this is showing I’m not good enough or a burden, so I have to be perfect.

All this and more means I borderline hate my job. 

I feel like it negatively affects my mental health to some degree. Doesn’t help my little sister with anxiety worked with me for a while, and her anxious head space affected mine.

It’s my first job, and has never been my plan to stay there forever. So hopefully will get another job soon.

I’ll probably go to work and just try to push through because money. But having a negative mindset makes it harder.

Me and hobbies and relaxation @Anzelmo …

If I’m a burden, then I don’t deserve to have fun/relax I have to be productive at all times to prove my worth. At least that seems to be something my brain says. Also, if you spend a few years with chronic unaliving thoughts, you don’t really think about enjoying life much. And while you are going through high school with undiagnosed and untreated bipolar, you find ways to distract yourself like constantly being busy and dissociating on autopilot. Survival mode doesn’t think about enjoying stuff. Depression makes you more apathetic, less motivated, and harder to enjoy more things. It can also lead to emotional numbness which also includes not enjoying stuff.  I don’t really tend to emotionally enjoy things, more cognitively because habit/pattern about it being safer.

So enjoying things or relaxing seems to be harder than it should be.

If I am going to do anything nice it might be playing piano/guitar or listening to music. Sometimes it can be like bp pain relief. Doggies, ping pong with fam. Sometimes a bit of colouring it, but I get a bit scared of that sometimes as it’s a trigger for high school memories of student services 😅 I’m wanting to try and spend some time with friends as I’ve recently realised how much I’ve isolated myself.

My days are a bit weird right now as I’m creating new routines. I’ve never not studied full-time before and I’m looking for another job.

But it’s cool to be moving on from (hopefully) the worst mental health chapter of my life.

And yay, just at the start of this depressive episode. Experience doesn’t make it any more pleasant. 

Hope everyone has a good week!

Hey @Akinna 

Thank you so much for your life update! Wow, it seems like you've been kept busy! 

I'm really glad your emailing method is working well for you. 🥰

Good job on getting your license! I'm sure you're sensing that extra bit of freedom now 😆

It can definitely take a while to accept a new diagnosis, and that's completely ok! You're on your way there now and it's a big step towards better recovery, so good job!

I definitely get the feeling that your current job is really draining for you and not something you enjoy, but I'm happy that you're putting yourself out there and trying to get a new job. Going into a new chapter of your life can be a bit scary and uncertain, but also so exciting and refreshing.

I totally get the whole "i don't deserve to have fun/relax" feeling... I have anxiety and am definitely a bit of a perfectionist. I've felt for a long time that I constantly have to be doing something and working hard towards a future goal. But I've been slowly teaching myself over the last year to 'let go' and push myself to take time off. It started small like spending a bit more time than usual at the kitchen with my family before or after dinner, and then a bit bigger like saying yes to a spontaneous night out with friends. Little steps have been really helpful for me. I won't say it's easy because it's definitely difficult to change that mindset, but progress is progress. I know you can do it too ❤️

I hope you're doing well today!

Thanks so much for updating us on how everything is going for you @Akinna 😊 It's always great to hear how you're doing! 

What a year hey! You're doing amazing. Getting a diagnosis is a big process and takes time to accept. I recieved a new diagnosis about a year ago too and same as you, I think I'm only just accepting it properly. We have this thread about coping with a diagnosis that you can look over if you'd like. I also feel you on how expensive psychiatrist appointments are! 😬 But definitely worth it to get the support we need. 

It sounds like you've got a really good awareness of how you're feeling and what that means for you, which I think sometimes is half the battle! And you've got support from your psychologist to work on acceptance and feeling worthy. These are really big achievements, I hope you're able to feel super proud of yourself 👏