Dealing with inappropriate jokes
Recently I have started a research project at uni that I’m really excited (and nervous) about. The professor supervising me is very accomplished and I am really scared of making a fool of myself as he has expressed that he is very happy that someone with my grades and work ethic wants to be part of their lab. I have discussed this to my family recently, quite often as it has been on my mind a lot, and they have made jokes twice implying that I have a crush on him. For context, I am a 20 year old asexual autistic lesbian (closeted) and he is a middle aged man in a position of power. I frankly find it disgusting and not funny at all and it has made me feel very uncomfortable. And now when I speak to or about him I get even more anxious and flustered because I’m scared that is the impression I am giving off. It may seem small but to me it is very embarrassing they could even think of that possibility. I don’t know how whether / how to address this with my family or to just stop thinking about it.
Comments
HI @Blurryphaced !
I just wanted to check up on you! How have you been and how is your research project going?
Hi @Blurryphaced !
Congratulations on starting your research project!! 🎉🎉
It must have been frustrating hearing inappropriate jokes from your family given that you're already nervous about working with someone who is accomplished and alongside your sexual orientation. Through my own personal experience (and to echo what the others have said), I find that directly expressing my discomfort towards inappropriate jokes to the joke maker is the most efficient way to stop any more inappropriate jokes from happening. Do you reckon this is something you feel comfortable doing?
Often times, the person making the joke is not aware of how uncomfortable I am and as @Greenfern has mentioned, I believe your family did not intend to cause you great discomfort when they said the joke. Also I'm sure your professor understands why you are anxious and does not see your nervousness as anything more than your excitement and commitment to your uni project!
Good luck with your project and hope everything goes smoothly!! 🍀🍀🍀
Hi Blurryphaced,
Sorry to hear about your experience in having to deal with inappropriate jokes from your family.
I can understand that being asexual and lesbian makes this joke even more uncomfortable and inappropriate for you; however, considering that your identity is closeted and that your family seems unaware of your identity, it is possible that their joke is solely based off of your excitement and nervousness to work with the very accomplished professor. I think what I'm trying to suggest is that it is possible that your family didn't mean any harm and is just teasing you for fun without realizing how inappropriate the joke is actually for you, especially considering your self-identity. This being said, I'm wondering if the joking from your family has continued even after you have showed visible discomfort? If so, that would be insensitive of them, but it also suggests it can be worth talking to them directly to make them understand exactly how it makes you feel. Sometimes people say things without ill intentions that make us uncomfortable, but if we let them know how it makes us feel, usually they will stop. (Don't have to bring up your identity in letting them know how the joke makes you feel)
Also, my opinion is that it is quite normal to feel excited and nervous around someone who has achieved a lot and who you seem to look up to; nonetheless, it is possible the professor may eventually suspect you having a crush on him. I've had a similar experience of really liking a teacher, because he teaches well but not had a crush on him. At some point I sensed that he might have suspected maybe a crush, because he started setting a firmer professional boundary around me, but that did not affect me learning from him. In other words, I can understand your worries, but I want to assure you that if the professor is professional everything will be fine. It is also very likely that the professor has not suspected a crush from you at all. (after all it's your family's joke)
Hope this helps!
-Greenfern
Hi @Blurryphaced ,
Thank you for sharing what has been happening for you recently. I'm sorry to hear that your family have been making inappropriate jokes that have left you feeling nervous and flustered when you are working around this professor. It sounds like it is on your mind a lot and that it has really affected you.
It must be so hard to have to work so closely with this professor, yet at the same time, have questions in your mind as to whether you are giving off a false impression. It is understandable you feel anxious and flustered when you speak to him.
I'm curious to know whether you would consider telling your family how hurt you feel by what they have said? This does not mean coming out, but rather, for them to know that their words have really hurt you?
I was reading this article and thought it may be of interest to you. I know it is titled, 'How to tell your friend they've hurt you', but I feel the ideas and concepts are also relevant when family members hurt you.
It is important you feel respected and heard. At the same time, perhaps your family don't know that you are hurt by their jokes? What do you think?
