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Possibly moving out of a toxic home TW

Hello everyone!

This is my first post and my first time reaching out to the community. I would like to share my experiences and possibly receive any advice.

A bit of background...I'm 24, live with my mum and study full-time. Due to COVID my casual job has been put on hold. My family has a history of domestic violence that has led to both my dad and older brother leaving us. My relationship with my mum is toxic. Because of these circumstances my mum has suffered a lot and unfortunately takes out her anger on me. I have participated in mediation and counselling to help me, and the common solution seems to be 'better communication' and focusing on my own health. As much as I have tried this with my mum we never progress forward and instead my mum finds faults in me. Hence, I find it hard to be positive.

Spoiler
I also suffer from anxiety and symptoms of depression, and self-harm when it becomes too much. I rarely self-harm because I don't like resorting to it. I am not in any harm currently.

My plan had been to move out because I thought it was the best decision for both my mum's and my mental health. But every time I plan, I feel bad for leaving my mum on her own. I know my mental health needs to improve and my home environment is not helping me. But I feel guilty for leaving because it means I'm leaving the situation as it is and not improving our relationship.

My mum and I fought twice this week with her verbally abusing me and herself. It was mainly her saying that I spoke bad about her to others (which I didn't) and keeping secrets from her (which I did and they were about me). I'm not ready to tell her some things but she takes it to mean that I don't respect her and that I'm doing something wrong.

I'm conflicted as to what I should do. I do want to move out and I believe it will make me happy. But I don't know if it's the right choice to make.

I am open to any opinions or advice.

 

Thank you for listening to me 🙂

 

Mango_Lyrebird
Mango_LyrebirdPosted 06-08-2021 12:11 AM

Comments

 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 08-08-2021 09:12 AM

Hey @Mango_Lyrebird

 

I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you for being self-aware and trying to make that extra step for your own wellbeing and mental health. When people say sometimes that you need to help yourself before you can help others- it's true! It must feel really sucky and I can understand why you feel guilty 🙁 but I believe that a healthy relationship often begins with a healthy mindset. And if this is a step you feel you need to take to get there, I think it's very brave of you to do! ❤️ I love that @Taylor-RO 's post can give a little hope. 

 

I'm so glad you're feeling more confident about it- know that we're here to support you 🥰

 
GioDes
GioDesPosted 07-08-2021 09:56 AM

Hi @Mango_Lyrebird

Thankyou for your post, this sounds like a really, really tough situation. 

 

I am actually a youth worker at a crisis accomodation refuge for youth who cannot live at home due to domestic violence/abuse and I wanted to chime in just to let you know that there are always options if you are feeling unsafe! Sometimes refuges can be a good temporary option for young people who are in a tricky spot financially too, and there is support to find suitable longer term accomodation. I just wanted to flag this as an option if you are feeling a bit stuck as I know even just feeling like there are options can make a big difference, and you can stay for as long as you want or leave whenever suits 🙂 

 

I am so sorry to hear that you're in this situation and I can't imagine how hard it must be, it sounds like you love your mum a lot! ❤️ I just hope you can look out for you too no matter what that looks like! 

 
 
Mango_Lyrebird
Mango_LyrebirdPosted 07-08-2021 09:19 PM

Thank you @GioDes for your support!

 

Knowing that there are a range of options for me makes me feel better about my future 🙂

 
Emily-RO
Emily-ROPosted 06-08-2021 01:33 PM

Hey @Mango_Lyrebird

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. 

 

It's great that you're thinking about moving out and taking care of yourself. Making a decision to leave a situation where you feel unsafe may be really hard and scary. I understand the guilt you're feeling about leaving your mum. I've experienced something similar and I struggled a lot with my guilt too. 

 

What helped me the most was making a plan to feel safe again. There are a lot of options to look into and moving out is a big thing to do. For me, something that helped was reaching out to someone I trusted and asking if I could stay with them whilst I worked out to do next. Reconnecting and having a safe space to process things might help. Do you think that could be something you would consider?

 

There's also 24/7 helplines for family violence and you can call 1800RESPECT any time to get some advice there too. 

 

Hope this helps and I'm looking forward to talking with you more 💙

 
 
Mango_Lyrebird
Mango_LyrebirdPosted 06-08-2021 10:04 PM

Thank you for replying @Emily-RO!


I think it may be a good idea to stay with someone I trust. Although, I can't go anywhere because I'm in lockdown right now 😔 Meanwhile, I think making a plan is a good start so I can really think about my options.

 

I appreciate your support!

 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 06-08-2021 10:50 PM

Hey @Mango_Lyrebird, I have had a look at the NSW restrictions for you and it says that if you are feeling unsafe, you don't need to stay home. If you'd like to have a read, the link is here. If you are still feeling unsure, you could contact some of the services listed on that page. They also might be able to help you with planning if you need them to.

 

Leaving home can be so scary. My home environment was toxic too and I still didn't want to leave even though I was unhappy. I felt bad leaving my home and I still loved my parent who had their own struggles. This was a long time ago and I have to say that our relationship only improved after I had moved out. Moving out doesn't mean that you never see them again. You could always visit on your own terms and when you feel ready to. I know it is a really tough choice and it is only something you can decide. I had a safe place to go and my safe person motivated me to get a plan going because I really struggled with taking any steps 💖 Whatever you decide, we will be here to listen.

 
 
 
 
Mango_Lyrebird
Mango_LyrebirdPosted 07-08-2021 09:23 PM

Oh that's great to know!

 

I am definitely scared about moving out and don't know how to even go about doing it. But after a lot of research and speaking to someone I trust, I do feel more confident in making a plan and that this will give me a chance to be happy.

 

Thank you for your support @Taylor-RO

 
 
 
 
 
Savannah-RO
Savannah-ROPosted 07-08-2021 10:58 PM

Hey @Mango_Lyrebird 

Just thought I would jump in here and say that you are awesome and brave for making this plan to move out despite your anxiety and the very normal and understandable fear you have around something unknown. Getting advice from someone you trust about this is a really smart move, always good to have the people who care about you there for advice and support throughout the whole process.💗

Welcome back!

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