- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Float this Topic for Current User
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Printer Friendly Page
how long do I have to continue this routine?
I live with my sister and she always brings her boyfriend over very often. and when he stays overnight, it mostly goes for almost the whole week. This has been going on for months and I always feel uncomfortable about it and was wondering if this is normal or if I'm the one overthinking. Before she started dating this boyfriend, she also brought her her friends home to stay overnight a lot, and it's always people that I don't know. I just feel uncomfortable and anxious every time I know that there's a stranger in my house when my bedroom door can not be locked. I rarely leave my room and sometimes even go to sleep without taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I've been feeling even more overwhelmed lately thinking about how long I need to continue this routine and worried that I wouldn't be able to endure it.
My parents are quite strict and conservative, and they don't even know that my sister has been dating this person or what she is doing behind their backs. I'm worried that if I tell my parents it would cause my sister trouble, but I also realise that this is not good for my own health and I want it to stop. I'm writing in this forum because I don't know who I can seek advice from, and I just want to let it out somewhere. I hope that someday I would be able to tell my parents the truth and open up about it...I just don't know what to do right now..
Comments
I'm just trying to find somewhere to vent on, so please do skip if ll these negative feels can make you uncomfortable...
Recently I feel really lost and not sure if I can talk things out with my sister. It seems like I every little things I do just irritates her. Some times I just get so paranoid and didn't know what to do or say because I'm so scared that I'd do something wrong. Rather than not caring about how I feel, it convinced me that she sees me as some kind of creature that doesn't have any feelings in the first place. I don't even have the right to be angry or frustrated in front of her, and I'm always the one to blame when things turn out bad.
Every time I tried to talk back at her, she always says that I'm not good at talking to people and that's why I don't have any friends. I just don't like the fact that she's using against me to make me feel bad about myself.
Earlier that I mentioned about her bringing her bf over, this isn't only about my anxiety, but it also ruin my routine and sleep. Her bf works night shift and she's mostly free (aside from her casual job), so they would normally stays up watching tv until like 5 or 6 am. Since we live in a small apartment, the lights from outside and all the noises had been disturbing me even when I stay in my room. I usually have about 3-4 hours of sleep when I need to get up the next day for uni, not to mention that I always wake up the in the middle out of the night as a light sleeper. On the oter hand, I'm also sleeping way too much on the days I dont have class. I've been havng this messed up schedule for a long time and my sister just didn't seem to care.
Hey @nayuta, really glad you reached out to the forums again, we are always here when you are looking to vent about things. How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get a good sleep last night?
It sounds like things with your sister have been quite tense recently, and it has been giving you a really tough time. It really does sounds like a horrible situation to be in. While it’s very normal for siblings to have disagreements every now and then, it can be really upsetting to not feel heard when those disagreements are really hurting your feelings.
I am sorry to hear about the comment your sister made about not being good at talking to people. Being a sibling doesn’t give you the right to say nasty things, and I imagine that was a really hurtful thing to hear.
I can hear that having your feelings heard and cared about is really important to you, and while you mentioned that you are not sure if you can talk things out with your sister, you truly deserve the chance to express how you feel 💛 Having tough conversations with family members definitely isn’t easy, it can be really easy to freeze up and feel like you can’t get your words out. Something I like to do when I need to have a tough conversation is write it up in a text or letter, rather than say it in person. I tend to feel a lot more comfortable when the pressure of reacting in real time is removed, and I can take the time to think of what I want to say. I find that it makes it a little less daunting, and gives me a better chance of saying everything that I’d like to say, exactly how I would like to say it. I wonder if this might be a way of talking things out with your sister? I also found more tips on talking it out with family here.
With everything that is going on, I was wondering if you had anyone else you felt comfortable talking about things with? I remember that you mentioned you can’t speak with your parents about it, but is there another family member or friend that you trust to talk about it with?
Hey @nayuta
I'm glad we were able to help you a little! You definitely deserve to have your home be a safe place for you.
Good job on being courageous and bringing up something that's uncomfortable for you with your sister.
I hope things get better for you and that your sister's able to be understanding of your anxiety. As much as you have been looking out for her, she should look out for you too, and try her best to make you feel more comfortable.
Hope you have a great rest of the week 💙
@Sally_RO @Greenfern @ayrc_1904 @Anzelmo
Hello, thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your support and wanted to let you know how things are going. I tried to talk to my sister before, telling her that I'm a bit uncomfortable that her boyfriend is staying this long but she didn't seem to care about my opinion. It makes me feel like it's just something that I have to understand and compromise with no other choice. But since it's been going on for months and I don't feel okay at all, I didn't know what to do because I can't tell my parents or complain it to my sister either, Which made me made the post on the forum about 2 weeks ago.
It warms my heart that there are so many people supporting me and giving me courage to talk about his to my sister again. Earlier today I started talking to her about my anxiety when staying with strangers or someone I don't trust. Although she seems to understand, I'm not sure if she knows what I wanted tell her about bringing people over, which I didn't mention that it is what she's been doing.
Even though I think that I'm close to my sister, I'm still a bit scared of making her angry for some reason. I wish that someday I can talk to her about it honestly and that we could understand each other.
I also want to say thank you to everyone for encouraging me and reminding me that I want to feel safe at home. I don't have any friends so it really means a lot that you decided to read about my situation and give me support.
Hey @nayuta
No worries at all 🥰 That's what we're all here for!
Sorry that your first attempt to speak to her about it didn't change much. That must have been so frustrating. I'm really proud of you for gathering up the courage to speak with her again today. I think it's a good first step just to ensure she knows about your anxiety. Maybe next time you get a chance to talk to her, you could tell her that when she brings her bf and friends over, especially quite often for long periods of time, it is also something that makes you feel anxious.
Perhaps if you try to just be straight and honest with her and tell her that you've been wanting to bring this up with her for a while, but that you were worried about her response. And maybe even mention that you didn't want to bring it up with your parents as an issue because you didn't want her to get into trouble. That way, it's almost like "Hey, I've been trying my best to let this go and I've been making sure our parents don't get mad at you, but I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you that what you're doing has been making me feel really anxious, and I'd really appreciate it if they came over much less."
Hopefully, she'll be more likely to be understanding if you phrase it that way? Just a suggestion though of course. You know your sister best, and would know how to approach things in the right way.
I'm really glad you also seem that you want to have a better relationship with your sister and that you look forward to that day. I can definitely say my sister and I have had our own ups and downs (as do most siblings). We've definitely fought a lot over the years, but as we've gotten older, we can't imagine doing life without each other. We tell each other everything and look out for one another. I hope that this happens for you as well!
Please let us know how things go. We're here to support you 😊
Hey @nayuta
Whilst it may not feel like it made much of a difference initially talking to your sister, i think it can sometimes help plant the seed by initiating the idea first. You should be proud that you asserted yourself and spoke up for yourself as im guessing that perhaps your sister doesnt really realise the impact of having her bf or friends over.
You mentioned you worry about making her angry, which is a very common reason why people dont speak up. Sounds like she means alot to you. You mentioned you havent told your parents. Im wondering whats stopping you from sharing this frustration with your parents? Do you think your sister may feel like youve gone behind her back? Whats the worse that could happen if you did tell them?
Our home is often our safe space and sanctuary, and having other people there that you didnt invite can be very uncomfortable for anyone.
We are here with you.
Hi Nayuta,
I'm glad the responses have been helpful. 🙂
It's great that you've tried to talk to your sister again, and I'm sorry to hear that the previous time you did, your sister did not really respond to your concerns.
I hope that your sister will be more mindful now that you have talked about your anxiety with strangers. If not, I definitely support your wish to talk to her honestly and openly at some point in the future. I think you deserve to be cared for by your sister, especially because you have been considerate towards her by not telling your parents about this situation. It's only fair to receive in return.
Hope it goes well for you!
Hi @nayuta
That must be really upsetting... especially since it's been going on for so long as well.
It seems that you care about your sister and want to protect her from getting in trouble with your parents which is really sweet of you.
But I also want to remind you that you can't keep sacrificing bits of yourself to make someone else happy. You deserve your own safe space at home and you shouldn't need to feel anxious and uncomfortable in a place that should be your comfort zone. I also definitely feel that having a chat with your sister if you haven't already, could be really helpful, just so she has a better understanding of how you're feeling about what she's doing.
You're not overthinking things! It's normal to feel that way when your space is being taken over by strangers.
I hope you can find a solution to this soon!
Hey @nayuta
Sorry that you're having to deal with that! I can see how frustrating and upsetting that must be...
You deserve to feel that your home is a safe space. You shouldn't have to be tiptoeing around your own home and feel like you can't leave your room.
It seems like, despite your frustrations with your sister, you're very caring of her because you don't want her to get in trouble with your parents, even if telling them might help your situation. I just noticed that and wanted to make sure to mention that you seem like a very selfless and lovely person.
I think that if you haven't already, a talk with your sister might help? Maybe if you tell her how you've been feeling, and how her bringing all these people over is making you anxious, she'd understand?
Hope you're going alright ❤️
Hi Nayuta,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, especially because I know how important it can feel to have a safe space at home. It's good that you have decided to reach out and that you are thinking of standing up for your own health.
I think it is quite understandable and normal to feel uncomfortable when strangers are regularly about the house. It also sounds like your sister did not try to introduce you to her friends or her boyfriend, or try to seek your permission. She also doesn't seem to have considered how you feel about her bringing all these people over regularly to stay overnight.
Have you tried talking to your sister about it? Have you talked to friends about this as well? I think talking to your sister about how you really feel may help, because it sounds like she isn't particularly concerned or aware of the impact her actions are having on you. I think you have the absolute right to stand up for yourself and your health in this case, and that as a sister she should be more considerate of you. If talking to her directly is intimidating, mayber get a friend to talk to her with you?
I hope this response has helped 🙂
Hey @nayuta, thanks for sharing a bit about what's going on for you at the moment. It sounds like having your sister’s boyfriend and friends stay over has been giving you a really tough time. Having people you don’t know stay over must feel strange and uncomfortable. It sounds really draining to deal with. I imagine it’s especially tough, feeling as though you can’t talk with your parents about it, out of concern that your sister may get into trouble. I am wondering if it's something you feel comfortable speaking with your sister about, if you haven’t already?
You mentioned that having people over makes you feel anxious because your bedroom door can’t be locked. I was wondering if something has happened that has made you feel unsafe when your sister has had people over? Or whether there is something that you’re worried might happen when people are over? It’s really important to feel safe in your home.