@Maddy-RO this is so insightful 💛 I think a part of me believes it is safer to try to figure out what others want/need/expect and give it to them, rather than focus on communicating who I am and what I want or need. I suppose that's because if you focus on your wants and needs, it could be painful if they aren't fulfilled. Or maybe for some reason I feel it is more important to avoid conflict and have people like me than to be true to myself.

I think you are on the right track about the sex thing. The thing is, there are parts about it that I do like, but in my mind even if we were just cuddly friends we could do those things? I don't see why not. Because it's exactly like you said - there's a pressure to meet his needs. if we weren't in this exclusive partner-type relationship I wouldn't feel like I had to worry so much about being enough for him. I guess the difference between cuddly committed friends and a relationship isn't just sex, but all the different pressures like - pressure to spend time with each other's families, to make a good impression and for our family members to like each other; pressure to be attracted to him/in love with him in a certain way and to display it in a certain way; pressure to enjoy his company more than anyone else's; pressure to consider each other in our life decisions; pressure to look good in front of him... I really hate all of this! he is a really laidback person so I think to him it's a low pressure, comfortable relationship. But for me, now that I think about it, I feel like I'm always being crushed under all these pressures!

What you said at the end is a very good question and very good advice. Now that you have asked, I realise I don't think there is anything that could make me totally comfortable in this relationship. I don't think we are a good fit as life partners, although we care about each other very much and enjoy spending time together. I would be happiest if we could keep being committed to being close friends who are there for each other, and even still have affection, since I love cuddling with friends, but I don't think he will want to be my friend so I will lose him. I don't know how to break up or how to find the courage to do it. 😞

sexuality stuff and feeling strange about my relationship

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