Questioning My Gender and How to ‘Come Out’.

Thank you for your reply,@autumn2742 .

I unfortunately could not access the link you posted so I am unable to check it out.

It is sort of hard to explain this masculinity and femininity I feel. The way I see it, I do tend to have feminine actions and reactions but my I prefer more masculine  things. I feel no correlation with my body, feeling a strong sense of gender dysphoria. I do not hate the Cis female body but I just don't like that I have it. I wish I could express more masculine, wearing clothes from mens store, go to a barbers (I do anyway just not for the styles I like) and hang out with guys more. 
I do believe everyone has both masc and fem qualities but I feel I'm more on the masculine. If that makes sense.

I have had a friend since the start of high school who I have grown closer to even though she moved away. She knows of my stance and has helped me through my sexuality, though I don't believe I have told her about my gender journey. Just stating my pronouns to her as I am still figuring it out.
In response to , have I sort out other means like a 'queer group or mental health professional', No. I go to a catholic school with no 'Out' people of any kind which makes it hard. I am the only 'female' (using term loosely haha) that wears pants instead of a skirt which already gets looks. As well as having any friends I had previously leave my school, so I am left with no one (physically) to talk to at school, especially with my social anxiety. 
I haven't really ever talked to a mental health specialist, but I went through a reduction Mammoplasty last year which really concreted my feelings that I do not feel or want to present as a woman. 

of course I know I should wait til I'm ready and not push it. And I thank all those who have given myself advice.
I feel I could not Come Out in direct confrontation. I barely speak as it is and I don't believe I could get the words out or comprehend what to say at the moment. A letter, that sounds right. I find myself always writing and enjoy it so I think I would take extra care in it as well as it be meaningful to my family. Any help is much appreciated. 

Thank you for the detailed reply, and I too do write a lot so no worries. 😁

Hey @Lee101 ,

Sorry about the link - haven't seen that happen before! If you're interested, just search in the 'gender' space for the thread 'How do I know if I'm trans??', and let me know how that goes! Otherwise I can repost what I said here.

Thank you for clarifying about your feelings of masculinity & femininity, that makes much more sense. And I completely understand what you mean by feeling that you have some 'feminine' behaviours, but feel more masculine and more comfortable presenting in a masculine way. I want to stress that its okay to experience both, and still feel overall 'masculine' - having some feminine characteristics does not make you less trans. In fact, when speaking to other trans people (and drawing on my own experience), it seems to be a common trans experience that there is a lot of pressure to behave in a gender-stereotypical way early in transition, but as you become more comfortable with yourself, it becomes easier to explore less stereotypical ways of presenting. As a trans-man, when I first came out I found it difficult to accept feminine aspects of my identity, but as a progress in my transition I am gradually learning to re-explore my feminine characteristics. Is this something you have experienced? I thought that might be helpful to hear, but if you don't relate to that experience that's completely okay!

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing gender dysphoria, which can be very painful, and I hope that this can ease as you become more comfortable with yourself. You mention that you wish you could present more masculine with clothing and haircuts and things like that - what things at the moment are stopping you from being able to present in this way? Is there the possibility of gradually introducing more 'masculine' things into your presentation in a less noticable way, if you are concerned about acceptance? For example, the first thing I ever did in my transition was purchase masculine deodorant, which seems like a very small thing, but at the time it made me feel so much better about myself, but it was not something I had to worry about people accepting or judging. Would it be possible to do something like this to help you feel more masculine at the moment?

I'm glad to hear that you have a close friend who you have been somewhat open with about your experiences. It sounds like she is very accepting, and would likely support you in your journey! Do you think you would consider sharing your gender journey with her?

With regards to your experience in a Catholic school, that sounds particularly difficult and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Being around other queer people can make a big difference in feelings of acceptance (at least in my own experience), so if you feel safe enough/comfortable enough to do so, would you consider possibly joining a queer group (either in person or online) of some kind? Transhub has some good resources on this (as well as a variety of other resources such as mental health and medical trans-related resources). The Gender Center also has support groups for FTM and non-binary individuals (if you live locally), and I believe they offer free counselling services as well. Qlife and Kids Helpline are also both good online peer support and counselling services. Another great thing about going to queer clubs and groups is that its a great way to meet people and make new friends! Do you have some people outside of school that you feel comfortable talking to, or some queer groups that you know of that you might be able to attend?

Another thing I wanted to clarify - you mention that you have never been to a mental health specialist, is this something you would like to look into? 

Lastly, thank you for sharing how you would feel most comfortable coming out! I think a letter would be the write way to go, based on what you have described. What to say is completely up to you, but some things that I think you could include are:

- Providing a bit of a definition and explanation of what it means to be trans/non-binary (as individuals who are not involved in the community sometimes don't quite understand what this means, and I think a lack of understanding is sometimes what leads to a lack of acceptance)

- Being open and honest about how you feel, and how you feel that your experiences have affected you.

- What support you think that you need at the moment - for example, do you want your parents to use your name/pronouns? Would you like to get a short haircut? Would you like to speak to a mental health clinician?

- Acknowledging that you understand that they may need some time to process what you have told them

- Maybe something about the fact that this does not change who you are

These are all just some suggestions, and may or may not work for you, but I thought I might list them here (as I understand that coming out and writing a letter can be pretty daunting)! Do you think any of those would suit you, or do you have some other ideas of what you might want to tell them?

I'm glad to hear that you write a lot as well - because it looks like I have written another essay, sorry 😅 I hope that some of it was helpful in some way. Once again, I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well - please don't hesitate to reach out again and we can continue working through things together. 😄

Hello @autumn2742 ,

I have looked through multiple posts, some of which have helped. So thank you for recommending that. 

With your second paragraph on your experience with femininity, i completely resonate with that. I constantly feel i must hide or 'loose' my feminine self to prove i am not a women, but as well as lean into it to hide myself from attention. I really appreciate you explaining your experience because i think it's something i needed to hear. 

With the things stopping me from presenting more masculine, its mostly my confidence, not being able to stand against or up to my parents as well as my body figure. 

Firstly, (I feel like this is going to be a long post.) my anxiety, its hard to do anything that may make people look or judge me, it makes me feel sick knowing the prejudice people think. 

Secondly, my parents don't quite like that i dress in mens clothes. My sister and I wear my dad's (hand me down) clothes and she doesn't like how we look. Which i can understand as they are three sizes too big lol. As well as my mother stating that with haircuts, 'it must be feminine'.' She loves me but I don't have the confidence to say, 'no sir, i'd like fade, and loose the top half of my hair.' But i know she supports me and loves me, its just hard in the small moments like that.

Laslty, my body is pretty feminine. I am plus size with a large chest (even with the reduction) and a waist. It hard to find clothes that fit anyway, let alone in mens sections. I just wear t shirts and jeans but i'd love to find button ups that fit and wear camios or cargo pants. 

Overall, i just wanna wear what i want without the anxiety of what people think, just in any area of life. 

Even with the deodorant. I would like to just do the simple things. I think it all comes to my social anxiety. Yeah, i'm just not confident at all.

I spoke with my friend last night. I didn't really know what to say so i just showed her the post. She simply asked if I'm getting enough support. I think i knew she wouldn't mind but it helps to clarify. 

Yeah, the schooling enviornment is hard, for most people really but i only have this year left so i'm just waiting til it ends. I don't think i could do anything in person, not yet anyway but thank you for asking.

I don't have anyone outside or inside of school, but i really dont think i need it. I just like the advice and clarification and this forum has done plenty as is and i am proud of myself for joining it.

I guess i would be interested in seeing someone but it relies on my parents knowing my troubles first so I will probably look into it later. 

Thank you for the examples and ideas that you have given me to place in my letter. I will definitely use them. Sorry for jumping from topic to topic. 

On one last note, last week i went shopping for my Formal in September and bought a suit, that's talored to me. My parents always knew i wasn't going in a dress. We sort of made the agreement that id only go to the Formal if i got a suit. And trying it on, wearing it, it was the greatest feeling of my life. I just loved it.

Thanks for the replies and i hope you have a great day. 

Hi @Lee101 ,

Thank you for sharing your experiences, I apologise for the late response (and another long response)! I am glad that you found our discussion about experiences with femininity helpful. I think working out the balance of femininity and masculinity will definately come with time, so there's no pressure to figure it out right away. It might be helpful to think about what aspects of femininity and masculinity you resonate with and what makes you feel more at home within yourself, and then you can try and incorporate those aspects into your identity when you feel comfortable?

I can understand and resonate with your experience of not feeling confident or that you can stand against the expectations of those around you (for example, you mention that you feel that you cannot confidently stand up to your parents), and feeling anxious about prejudice. That sounds really difficult, and I am sorry to hear that this is a barrier to you being able to present yourself authentically. As previously mentioned, are there some small things that you might feel comfortable doing that may increase your level of comfort without drawing too much attention to yourself from your parents? Something I often did early in my transition was purchase men's clothes from Vinnies or another thrift shop, so that I could experiment with masculine presentation when I was home alone. This way I could still experiment with presentation without having to worry about the reactions of others, and without spending a lot of money. Is this something you may find helpful? You also mentioned that your mother wants you to have a feminine haircut. I was wondering, when you discuss haircuts with your parents/hairdressers, are you able to reference photos of what you like? Something I found helpful when I was not confident enough to ask for a 'men's' haircut was using reference photos of women with stereotypically masculine haircuts like undercuts and fades. It is not uncommon nowdays for people of all genders to wear their hair short or have a fade. Do you think that discussing this with your parents may be helpful or something you could do? I also wanted to clarify, do you think that your parents would be accepting of your gender identity if you were to share that part of you with them? I understand that coming out to your parents can be incredibly scary and daunting, but you mention that you know your mother supports and loves you - do you think if you explained to her that having a short haircut makes you feel more confident about yourself, she would be understanding and accepting? 

The other thing I wanted to mention is that it may also be possible to feel affirmed in ways that don't just involve physical presentation, if this is something that you don't yet feel comfortable or safe doing. For example, something I have gradually found to be affirming is experimenting with sports/exercise, particularly lifting weights (even though I am incredibly unathletic!) Even though obviously individuals of any gender can (and should) enjoy these activities, for me these activities just make me feel more masculine and better about myself. To clarify, the activities you choose to do don't need to be stereotypically 'masculine' or 'feminine' activities - you may find that particular activities or hobbies help you to feel affirmed for whatever reason. The other thing is that sometimes I find it helpful to engage in activities that do not relate to my gender identity, but just make me feel more like myself, regardless of gender - for example, painting makes me feel at home and for the most part does not have anything to do with gender identity. I am not sure if I am explaining this well, but when I paint, I am not thinking about being a man, or a woman, I just feel like me, and I find it helpful to engage in these activities or other self-care when I am feeling particularly dysphoric because it gives me a break from thinking about it. In the same way, are there any hobbies or activities you find that either feel affirming, or that make you feel like yourself? Is there any self-care that you feel might be helpful in circumstances like you have described? 

It's great to hear that you spoke with your friend last night, and it seems that she was supportive! Even having one person who you feel safe speaking to and who supports you in your journey is very important. I can imagine that sharing your experiences with her took a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself for doing this. The first steps with regards to coming out & expressing yourself how you feel inside always seem to be the most daunting, but it sounds like things went well & weren't as bad as you may have initially thought. Perhaps the same thing might happen if or when you decide to discuss your experiences with your parents?

It's also great that you feel you have found support in these forums! You should absolutely be proud that you took that first step to share your experience here, and there's always the option to speak to a clinician in the future if you choose to do so. 

And that's totally okay with regards to the letter suggestions - I'm glad that you found them helpful and hope that it all goes okay! Feel free to post again on the forums if you want to further discuss the letter, or if you want to discuss it after you have written it. 

Lastly, I wanted to say how amazing it is that you get to go to formal in a suit, and that you feel fantastic wearing it! That's honestly a great achievement, and again would have taken a lot of courage. It sounds like you are a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. I also think it's a good sign that your parents were willing to accept that you will be wearing a suit to your formal, and so maybe they will be more accepting of other things too. 

Again, please feel free to continue responding on the forums! I am so glad that you have had some really positive experiences with regards to your gender identity this past week. I hope you also have a great rest of your week 😀

Hello @autumn2742 ,

I thank you for your detailed responses as it really helps to clarify everything. I wanna start by saying I feel way more at ease with my identity within the past few days, today being the best I have had in a long time. I went to the barber and said the haircut I wanted (a fade and short jagged top) and I love how I look. Well of course I am never truly at peace with my body but the thought that 'I did it' makes me feel so proud. I even went to school today with a binder and felt so much more confident that I actually spoke at school (granted it was like one sentence) but everything is pointing me to a more positive future. Even my sister's friend stated that they wanted to call me Lee (a part of my name) as a joke but it really did feel like something is pushing me to lean more into my identity and to finally express myself how I want.

So the little things that I can do; the binders, I want to wear more often but I'll probs take them off before my parents see. The clothes I'm ok with. I'm mostly in school uniform or at home so it doesn't bother me too much. Other things I'll figure out later but I will most definitely experiment.

What you were saying about your hobbies, that sounds like solid advice. I don't usually do any sort of working out or anything. I would like to (once had a treadmill in my room for like a year) but I never had the opportunity to use it cause I get really self-conscious when working out around people. Me and sport don't really get along anyway, haha. But the painting, I can resonate with. Any art form that allows creativity to take over is never limited to gender, in which is why it is one of my favourite activities. But I mostly write stories and novels to create alternative characters that I live through. 

I appreciate the advice you have given, it has truly helped me convey what I want when I want to. Thank you. 😊

Hey @Lee101 ,

Just wanted to say how amazing it is to hear that you are feeling so much more at ease with your identity recently! That is truely something worth celebrating, and it definately sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction and working out the things that make you more and less comfortable and able to express your true self. Going to the barber and requesting a haircut that makes you feel like yourself is a big deal, and one that you should definately be proud of. It's also great you have found some ways to lean more into your identity, with regards to binders, haircuts and having your sister's friend call you Lee. It's also great that you feel you can express yourself freely with art and writing - having a hobby or self-care activity like this is so important. And don't worry - me and sport don't get along either! I completely resonate with feeling self-conscious when working out around other people. If you're wanting to increase your exercise or amount of sport, that can come with time/when you are ready, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself - it takes time to build up a routine (Something I have been trying to create for years, but never seem to stick to very well, haha!). If you are interested in working out, you could always try developing a (relatively) easy-to-stick-to schedule that's not too intensive to start out with, and if working out with others is too stressful, would you consider/be able to purchase some cheap weights to work out at home, or try to find a routine that does not require equipment? If you're interested, I can recommend you some routines I've found online that I try to stick to (some specifically target trans-masc individuals as well, if that's something that interests you). 

Once again I want to say how great it is that things have been looking up lately with regards to your gender identity and self-exploration, and you should be really proud of your achievements. I am glad to hear that you have found the forums helpful, and I urge you to reach out again if you feel the need to (or if you just want to chat!). Wishing you all the best Lee! 😀

Hey @autumn2742 ,

How are you? I wanna thank you so much for all the advice. Tbh I was a bit sceptical at first, doing something so public. But I wouldn’t take it back as I believe it has not only helped me but my continue to help others in the future. 
Ive decided to start journaling. I know it’s the done thing to do to help express what’s inside your head but I alway felt a little reluctant to do it but this way I can continue to find myself. 
I wouldn’t mind it if you could show me those circuits as I’d appreciate any help. 
Thanks again, Autumn. 

Hi @Lee101 ,

I'm well thank you! I apologise for the (very) late response - I took some time away from the forums, but I am so glad to hear you have found the forums helpful! Sharing your personal experiences on the forums can be really scary, so you should be very proud of yourself for reaching out. I wanted to see how you have been going since we last spoke? 

Journalling is a wonderful idea. I know that it can feel difficult sometimes to express thoughts into words on paper, but I personally found journalling really helpful in both working through difficult emotions, particularly around gender identity, and in also clearing your mind. Sometimes when there's a lot going on, or I'm stressed, I find that journalling helps me to almost 'declutter' my head and organise my thoughts so they no longer feel as overwhelming. Do you think journalling could help in this way? I've also heard from a lot of other trans people that documenting their experiences (via journalling, photographs or videos, etc.) can be a helpful way of seeing how far you've come in finding yourself, and can at times be a source of joy - perhaps journalling could serve this purpose as well?

I apologise for any confusion - are the circuits you are referring to the workout routines that were directed towards trans-masc individuals? If so, the one that comes to mind is Ty Turner on youtube, who put together a series of workouts that are beginner friendly and geared towards trans-masc individuals (although obviously they can be used by anyone). I have also found that they can be easily adapted to be done at home. 

Once again, thank you for reaching out, and please feel free to post on the forums again. Wishing you all the best @Lee101 😄

Hey @autumn2742 

Thanks for the reply. I’ve been alright. I took a break from the forums too. I found myself not obsessing over myself lately, I guess since I’m not talking about it on here lately, I’m just ignoring it. Not really healthy I know but I feel better now. 
I can’t not remember if I told you guys this but I asked my long distance friend to call me Lee as an experiment and discussed it with her. It felt very worrisome but I did it in the heat of late night thinking but she responded really well so in all our text messages, she calls me Lee and uses it more often than when she did with my first name. 
I felt strong ‘mentally…. Ish’ but then she wanted to come and stay with me after my 18th bday. So she stayed the night. 
we went to the movies… (Sorry for the long story but got no one to tell haha) and afterwards we needed to go to the bathroom. And I never go to the bathroom in public, not just because of my identity but I have a lot of anxiety about it from a young age. So we both walked down the hall and I tried looking for the ‘disabled’ or ‘unisex toilets’ and found I walked past them. I didn’t want her to know that I was worried so I just kept walking and went in the female toilets. No one was there but I didn’t like it one bit. 
now the moral of the story is that when we went to bed that night, she asked me about the incident, saying she saw me hesitate. I said I prefer to use the disabled toilets and she instantly said ‘I wouldn’t have cared. You could have gone there if you wanted to.’

its simple things like that that makes me believe I maybe be able to be what or who I want to be… in the future some time. 
Also she called me Lee in person which felt weird but also tingly, I almost cried multiple times. I am grateful for her.

Thank you for all the advice and I hope your break did you good. And thank you for reading this far. ☺️
Have a great Christmas. 

Hey @Lee101 ,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's totally okay to take a break from thinking about yourself and your identity; while I am not a mental health professional, I can imagine that this in itself would be an act of self-care. While exploring and experimenting with your identity can be healthy, it is just as healthy to listen to your body and how you are feeling, and take a step back from questioning, and just give yourself the space to exist for a while. I think that balance is important - while questioning and exploring your identity can be rewarding, it can also become overwhelming at times. And it's great that not thinking about it so much at the moment has made you feel better. 

It's great that you were able to share such an important part of your identity and experience with your friend, that takes a lot of courage. It is also great to hear that she has been so supportive. Thank you so much for sharing your experience the other day; I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to share it with me. Public bathrooms can be very stressful, especially for individuals who are trans, non-binary or gender non-conforming. I was hoping to check whether you still feel any distress from this situation?

I'm very glad to hear that you have found someone you can trust who is supportive of your identity and your experiences, which is so wonderful! 

I hope you had a great break as well. Thank you again for sharing with me and with the forums. I hope you have a great Christmas as well, and once again please don't hesitate to send a message! 🙂 

Hey @Lee101, I just wanted to jump in here and say hi! I hope it's been helpful to chat about gender here because I bet it's a confusing thing to work out at times.

I think how you described your feelings about your gender and body makes sense! You explained it really well. How do you cope with the struggles you mentioned, like your parents not approving of the clothes you wear and the anxiety/confidence stuff? 

It must be tough going to a school where nobody is "out", but I'm happy you're here because there are many people who relate to the stuff you've shared 😊 you're definitely not alone with these feelings! 

P.s 

so happy to hear about the suit for the formal!! 

Hello @Bre-RO thank you for chatting with me. 
I don’t really know the answer to your question. I just let them pick my clothes and just go with what they say. Its not that they aren’t supportive, they just want me to be more ‘presentable’ in front of other people, if you know what I mean.
The social anxiety, it’s hard, very hard. I have gotten better and worse, it’s a bit of a roller coaster. I avoid a lot of social situations to not confront people that may judge me. That’s all I know what to do. 

I do not know if may people experience the same thing/s as I, but I hope the advice given to me can help others too. 

thank you for replying.

Hey @Lee101 

I'm with you on the social anxiety 💜 It can be tough until you find your crew, but then you gain a wonderful a sense of belonging when you do, and you've become a great part of this community, and by sharing your experience you are definitely helping others to also find their voice. Have you looked into checking out any trans social events, something like this? Some of these look fairly casual and low-key 🙂

Hello @MAYC-RO ,

I thank you for your support and advice, but I don't think I could do any of the events, not any time soon. I appreciate the links and things but I don't think I could do it. This post and the replied has given me insight and I thank all those who have replied. 🙏 🙂

And thank you @Lee101 for sharing your experience and expanding the conversation, and also for your support of others 😊 

We're really happy to have people like you as part of the community 💖 And we're here for you whenever you need support! 💛💜🖤

Thank you @MAYC-RO. 
I appreciate the replies as this a very big step for me. 
Yes, I feel ‘safe’ with my family. My parents love me I know but it still nerve wreaking. 
@Anzelmo I know their stance with the Community. My mother and I are proud Allies I believe as we always talk and watch Rupaul and LGBTQIA+ movies and shows, but she doesn’t believe in labels or pronouns. Finds them unnecessary and attention seeking. My father is more closed off but I know deep down he wouldn’t care. 

it’s just I don’t think they’ll ‘believe’ me if I tell them I’m not a women. I don’t like feminine things but my anxiety and low self-esteem is often confused with being coy or shy. I know if I were more confident I would be doing more things and presenting more masculine. 

thank you for the replies. I have seeked advice from QLife and it has helped but I felt a different medium might help better. As well as push my comfort zone with my social anxiety. 

Hey @Lee101 

I'm really glad to hear that you have a level of support from your parents.

Just in regards to the anxiety and feelings of low self-esteem, have you had a chat with a professional about these? It sounds like there's a few things coming up for you right now, and we want to make sure that you feel supported. Here is a really great and inspiring story from Warren, who offers some very kind and gentle advice to others about sexuality and gender 🙂💖

Thank you@MAYC-RO.

I have not talked to a professional at all. 
I had a look at some stories and experiences including Warren's one. It did very much help as their story is similar to my own. 

I just going to change things little by little. My siblings friend asked about my pronouns which was a big step for me, even if I barely have contact with them, knowing I have the ability to tell people, helped. 

Thanks for the advice! 

Hey @Lee101 

I'm glad to hear that Warren's story was helpful to watch. I'm non-binary and I've found hearing other people's stories and realising I'm not alone in how I'm feeling to be really helpful too 😊

I think doing it little by little sounds good. When I first came out I told a couple of my closest friends first, then added my pronouns to my social media, then gradually told other people in my life. I didn't feel the need to have a big announcement. But everyone is different. It's all about finding what makes you feel most comfortable whilst navigating everything. 

You've mentioned you would prefer to present more masculine, have you thought about what that might like look like to you? It can be really fun to experiment with new styles and mix things up, and know if something doesn't feel right you can always change it. You can be trans non-binary and still present any way you want to ❤️

It might be helpful to have some support from a therapist whilst you're going through this, it's a lot to manage on your own. Auspath has a list of medical providers that specialise in trans (binary and non-binary) health in case you wanted to check it out.