TW: being transgender makes me dysphoric
I'm really struggling tonight with being transgender, tomorrow I have to go back to school and I'm not ready. I can't afford a binder let alone get one without my parents knowing and the dysphoria is getting out of hand.
I'm safe for now, but I'm barely coping
Dysphoria is such a pain and school makes it a million times worse, with the uniform I have to wear and not being out to anyone and still looking and sounding female, I don't know how I'm going to cope the next few years.
I've talked to Qlife and we both agreed that given my situation, it's probably best to just wait until I'm 18 before coming out or changing my gender expression because it could put me in danger if I'm not careful.
I don't really know what to do until I'm older, but it's hard to focus on studying, health or anything really when I'm so dysphoric about everything. it might sound weird, but just being trans makes me dysphoric, because cisgender males my age aren't transgender if that makes any sense.
I feel super shitty about it all the time, but there's nothing I can do and sometimes it's all too much for me to handle. Again, just confirming that I am safe, just upset and frustrated.
Comments
Hey @not-an-otter
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us 
I'm happy that you got some of this off your chest. ReachOut is sending you lots of strength to deal with the challenges you're facing as a trans person, coming to terms with your identity in a school setting.
This is hard work and from what I can read you are doing so well at carrying yourself through this experience. It's great to hear you've got the support of QLife and that they are helping you to work through when the right time to come out is.
I am hearing you when you say being trans makes you dysphoric - this is a sentiment expressed by many trans people. From what I have witnessed for trans loved ones, that feeling starts to fade when you feel a stronger sense of pride in the unique experience of being trans. This can be hard when you are at school and might not have a community of gender diverse people around you. Keep seeking out support and resources from LGBTIQA+ aligned services
There's a beautiful article I read over the weekend called "Finding Joy and Power in Being a Trans Person" - it kind of touches on the journey of not only accepting your identity but being proud of it. If you want to give it a read see here, the blog is called "them" and there's lots of great articles on trans related stuff.
Know that as a trans person you are part of a brave and beautiful community of survivors! Think about their strength when things are hard at school and know that we are here to listen to you whenever you need
Thank you @Tiny_leaf for the awesome resources and tips for binding, I really appreciate it
@Bre-RO Thank you for your kind words, really needed it tonight
I know there's a whole community of people like me and it makes me feel really proud knowing that other people have had similar experiences to me and everything will turn out fine in the end, but then I start thinking and how there really is nothing I can do to change anything right now and I just have to wait but all the smaller moments in between just become so overwhelming like constantly being misgendered and not being myself basically so now I just feel really down and I don't know how I'm going to go the next few days it's going to be really tough
I find sports bras really helpful, I tend to lean towards racer-back style because those ones don't stretch as much which means they last longer and stay nice and tight and comfy. I used to wear shorts under my skirt (thankfully at my school, we had the option of a dress, or a skirt) because I can't wear skirts/dresses without shorts underneath which really helped on that front. If you're not wearing shorts (like bike shorts) underneath already, would that help at all?
It can be overwhelming having to wait, especially when you can't be yourself. Those little moments though can be the greatest, especially when you have a space or community where you can be yourself 🙂 Would making plans for the future be helpful for you now?
We'll always be here when you need a place to be yourself and chat 🙂
I'm doing all I can at the moment but obviously fucking dysphoria doesn't just go away no matter how hard I try, it makes me feel useless and it's like I can't fucking do anything without it being there and interrupting. Honestly there really is nothing I can do right now and today wasn't great I haven't been doing well recently because dysphoria makes me feel like shit about myself all the time...
Hey @not-an-otter
It must be really hard to hear those comments when you're already battling gender dysphoria I remember reading that you have decided to wait until you're 18 to come out - I'm just wondering if there's anything you can communicate to your family in the meantime to reduce any commentary on your body/presentation?
Hope you're feeling better today
[R] Hi @not-an-otter. How have you been today? Sorry to hear about the dysphoria getting worse. We're here to chat if you need to talk about what's been going on.
[R] @not-an-otter That sucks when that happens. Have you got anything you could do to try and keep your mind off it for a little bit?
[R] @not-an-otter I feel like that a lot too. I agree with @Andrea-RO's advice that expressing your gender can be helpful, even if it's just in private.
Another thing I've felt helpful sometimes is meditation or trying to relax. It might be easier said than done, but maybe you might find that helpful to take your mind off dysphoria for a bit.
Hey @not-an-otter,
I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. Dysphoria is an incredibly jarring and almost "itchy" feeling of not feeling safe in your own body. I was wondering if expressing your gender ever helps relieve some of the feelings of dysphoria? Sometimes it can make you feel a bit more comfortable to assert your identity. You could try doing this privately in your own room; many people who experience gender dysphoria feel it helpful to use clothing, jewellery, makeup, or body shaping tools (like binders or padding), to better represent their internal state.
Some of my trans friends also find that detaching themselves from their identity can help relieve their dysphoria. For example, one of my friends really enjoys being out in nature - whether that means going for a walk, going into his garden, siting in a park - as doing so allows them to just feel human, without any labels or judgement (from themselves or others). By being in a place where social constructs don't exist - at least for a moment - it allows him to not focus on societal pressures/expectations on what it means to be a gender.
@not-an-otter no problem, I hope they help. 
How are you going today?
[R] Hey @not-an-otter. Another trans person here, but I’m a non-binary trans girl. Dysphoria really sucks. Are there any ways that have helped you reduce the dysphoria that you might be able to do to help?
[R] Have you ever found anything helps keep your mind off the dysphoria? I know it’s not an easy thing to just ignore, but are there any little things you like to do that could help you calm down a bit?
@not-an-otter I'm sorry you have to wear a dress.. I hate when that happens. 
A few things on cheap and secret binding:
Okay, so there's a "sports bra". Basically it's designed as a binder, but marketed as a sports bra. 95% of the people who've reviewed it are trans men. The actual website just mentions "minimizing for a more comfortable you", which I don't think many cis people will pick up on.
It's a bit expensive, but you might be able to ask your parents to buy you this really good "sports bra".
https://www.underworks.com/extreme-magicotton-sports-and-binding-bra
Otherwise, normal sports bras from sports shops can offer a decent amount of compression.
Some magical human has made a post on binding without your parents knowing:
https://transgenderadvicegroup.tumblr.com/post/170977743801/binding-without-your-parents-finding-out
And Minus 18 has an article on binding, including some cheap and inconspicuous ones:
https://www.minus18.org.au/index.php/resources/sexuality-info/item/441-how-to-bind-your-chest
I personally can't bind and breathe properly at the same time, probably thanks to my asthma and anxiety. It sucks...
I use layers when I can; on a cold day it's pretty normal for me to have three-five t-shirts on under my jacket. Slightly stretchy shirts can help with compression too.
Vertical lines are your friend. Horizontal lines can make your body look wider, which doesn't help when you don't want a super obvious chest of hips. Vertical lines have the opposite effect, and can really help hide your chest.
If your school uniform has a jacket, try wearing it unzipped or unbuttoned. This will create a vertical "stripe" of whatever you're wearing under the jacket, in pretty much the right place to hide your chest shape.
