Exploring personal gender identity and expression
Im looking for some help from you great RO forum members (new, old and all in between) regarding gender identies.
Of late Ive been feeling really confused about my gender.
My sex (genetic chromosomes) is female. Sexually I am about 85-90% 'straight' - attracted to males. And most of my life I have identified as a girl (despite wishing I was male for practical purposes).
Just recently though (well on and off over the last 12 months) Ive been wanting to be a boy sometimes. Ive experimented a little with dressing more stereotypical boy-like. And more and more I want to act like a male. Yet occasionally I am also happy being 'girly'. I dont think I want to change genders, but I also dont feel like I want to define myself as completely 'female' anymore.
Im super lucky because my partner is extremely accepting and happy for me to explore who I am. I am feeling okay about it all, but Im surprised how much it is changing my view on the world and things.
So I wanted to see if anyone wanted to talk about these experiences.
Have you ever questioned your gender identity?
Have you tried different ways of expressing your gender?
How did you find those experiences?
What did you find helped you explore who you are (comfortably and safely)?
RO has some great information and videos on gender which I have found useful to read through.
The NextStep tool directed me to Minus18
QLife is a counselling and referral service for LGBTI(and all other letters) matters. You can call 1800 184 527 or chat between 3pm-12midnight
We also have another chat going on about gender on the forums after a recent Infobus with the Freedom Centre on Gender.
Comments
I don't feel very apart of the community. But, to be fair, I don't feel apart of any community. Sometimes becoming a part of a community takes time. It's alright to feel like an outsider. So long as you know you ARE worthy.
I am getting my hair cut tomorrow and Im excited to have a change and express myself a little differently. I have had super short hair before, but it had a different motivation than this time.
Im also super keen for the InfoBus tomorrow night with Twenty10 about coming out. I feel like Im going to learn heaps. Might any of you be joining @N1ghtW1ng @redhead @Bay52VU ?
Awesome about the haircut @ClCl 🙂
I didn't realise it was tomorrow, but yeah was thinking of popping in for a bit.
I am really pleased with my hair cut!! Its a bit cold though but Ill get used to it.
I have another question if you are comfortable answering...
Do you feel like you identify within the LGBTQIA+ community?
I have been involved through friends before, but I have always felt like an outsider. Now I suppose I do technically fit in, but I still feel like I would be an outsider and as though I am not worthy of being a part of it - which rationally i know is not true
I kinda wish I could take testosterone to look more masculine (I have a very feminine body shape) but I looked at what happens and what is and isnt reversible. And I dont want to change permanently. Especially not so early on.
That is what I have found too @Bay52VU . I have been doing lots of reading and my past experience of this area has always been hearing about gender dysphoria and people wanting to change genders completely. I am not in that position. So yes, you are kinda on the right track.
Its a bit of a shame there isnt more information about that in between grey area. Maybe I just havent found it.
You guys are super supportive btw. Thank you.
Hey @ClCl, it's awesome that you started this thread! Thanks for sharing the start of your identity exploration with us. That's super brave 🙂
I can relate to some of the things that you, N1ghtW1ng and redhead have been talking about.
Have you ever questioned your gender identity?
I started questioning my gender about 1yr 6mths ago. I've always felt 'different' but had never put a name to it before then, or joined any dots in that direction.
Have you tried different ways of expressing your gender?
Not too much. Before I realised it could be possible to be myself without judgement (maybe), I knew what sort of stuff I liked but would either try to hide it or just sort of go along with what I was 'supposed to be' doing/wearing/liking. I learned to hate shopping for clothing because I knew that anything I liked would be "wrong" and it would just be a matter of eventually picking the thing I disliked least out of the allowed options. I'd have nothing to talk about with friends because I didn't want to be rejected for the hobbies I had, but wasn't interested in much of the stuff that my friends enjoyed talking about. Now that I understand more about what's behind it, I've started to express myself a bit more. Bought a couple of clothing items for myself that otherwise would've been "wrong" and not 100% related to gender but I feel comfortable talking about my interests/hobbies with workmates which is pretty cool.
How did you find those experiences?
It feels pretty good when I know I've made a choice to feel more comfortable being myself, although in the rare case that I'm going out for some sort of function/meet-up where I'll have to talk to people I still worry about wearing the wrong thing and what anyone's going to think. So at the moment I'm mostly just expressing myself to myself, if that makes sense 😛
What did you find helped you explore who you are (comfortably and safely)?
I guess just trying to acknowledge why I am where I am, and knowing that there's no set deadline or set course of action or rules when figuring this stuff out.
Oops giant post, sorry.
That totally makes sense @Bay52VU. I also am only really expressing myself to myself (and my partner). I have gone out in public but not to anything where I will actually be conversing with people I know.
I like your idea too that there is not rush to figuring it all out.
Is there something you wish you had known earlier, that you have now found out, to have made your understanding of your gender better/easier @N1ghtW1ng @redhead @Bay52VU?
So I realised today that I feel like its more that I WANT to be a boy, rather than feeling like I am a boy. Im not sure. Im really confused. Like. I want to look like a boy.. I want to act like a boy.. I want to think like a boy.. but I dont actually feel much like a boy. I dont know... Im still pondering on it, but wanted to share.
Yo yo @ClCl that actually makes perfect sense to me, and I think it's more common than is usually represented when trying to find out info about gender identity.
Often the usual narrative is "always knew/thought they were a boy/girl" which is what I see as related to 'gender dysphoria'. But what's not discussed as much is more like 'gender euphoria'. Where it's not so much that what you are now doesn't fit, but that something different would fit better.
Am I kind of on the right track?
If so, having more 'euphoria' feelings about your gender identity than 'dysphoria' doesn't discount your experience or make it any less valid than anyone else's.
What you could be going through is a bit of transitioning. You've decided that you want to question your gender and now you're expanding and elaborating on what exactly it is you want.
Have you spoken to a GP or anyone about your feelings?
Transitioning is a long process. Some people don't want to take medication (such as testosterone) but still want to be more like that gender while others want to go that extra step.
I do have one question, do you want to feel like a boy? I mean, you mentioned that you want to look, act, think like a boy but you don't quite feel like one, is that what you want?
Thanks for shairng @ClCl! Anyone on this thread got some thoughts? @Bay52VU @N1ghtW1ng @redhead?
Haha yep, @N1ghtW1ng did indeed check with us before they shared that link. It was however in august 2015, before @ClCl had even joined our community!
edit: oh hmm, the link i posted makes no sense. @N1ghtW1ng can you post it again please?
I'm happy to chat about it @ClCl 🙂 I'm glad that I was able to help you.
The website was me telling my parents I was gender queer plus some info and websites for them to check out if they wanted too. The link is around here somewhere. This I think canitellyousomethingimportant weebly.com
Although I'm not sure.
I hope you dont mind I took the weblink out @N1ghtW1ng. Thanks for being comfortable enough to share! but just in case it had any personally identifiable information - I want to make sure we keep you safe with anonymity!!
That is such a brave thing to do, but a really smart and creative way of telling your parents! So great to give them space to inform themselves 🙂 Also probably communicates how important it is to you, because of the thought and effort you put into making it.
Im so pleased you have had supportive parents! Shame your brother hasnt been so great, but that can be siblings for you sometimes.
It sounds like you've had a while to come to terms with things and like you are quite comfortable with it all now. Is that the case?
Are you involved in a community of other gender diverse people? If so, how have you found that? @redhead how about you?
[Edit: get tags to work]
I've been questioning my gender for about 6 months to a year.
I came out as lesbian 2.8 years ago. I knew what I was, but never thought about my gender, I'm still figuring out mine.
right now I identify as gender fluid, sometimes I feel male sometimes I'm female and sometimes I'm somewhere in between. I express myself depending on which gender I feel closer to on the day, I can go from frilly skirts to baggy jeans and a T. I keep my hair and makeup gender neutral so it fits with what I feel. There's only been a few people I've felt comfortable about sharing my gender with, I'm not ready for that yet.
Coming here has helped me know it's OK for me to question my gender even though I come from an anti trans background. I'm happy I'm exploring who I really am and I don't know exactly where I'd end up and that's OK. I love how everyone on RO is really supportive.
It's awesome that your partner is accepting of your exploration. It's much easier to explore when you've got people behind you.
I'll answer your questions now, sorry if it's a bit long. 😛
I have always wanted to be a boy, practically, it is much nicer and easier. No periods is the main driving force behind my feelings. So, in a sense, I've always been exploring my identity, I just didn't realise it. It wasn't until last year that I truly when through the decision making. If anyone remembers, I made that snazzy website for my parents.
I haven't really tried different ways. I prefer to dress in ways of my father because I find fashion a stupid and unnecessary thing. So it was always sneakers, shorts/jeans and tee shirts for me. That has hardly changed over the years.
I was lucky enough to have a supportive family, although my brother was a bit of an ass. I decided that I would be me. What that is, I have yet to settle and go on gender queer, but really I am me, and that is my gender.
The internet helped me to explore because it provided me with the information I needed to truly come to a decision. I could make this decision with researched info.
The most important thing to do when exploring your gender identity is to be yourself. Do what YOU want to do. Be how YOU want to be. Don't let others tell you how you should identify yourself. Only you truly know yourself.
Changing your gender is a huge step, and that's one I'm not ready to change either. But just because you're biologically female, doesn't mean you have to be. 🙂 There are so many identities out there @ClCl that there is one for you. And if you can't find one that fits you, then make your own. Because you CAN make your own identity, because it's yours and no one can tell you otherwise.
It took me a week to be brave enough to post this, and your positive responses have reminded me how nurturing RO can be. All thanks to you wonderful users! Just like you were saying @redhead 🙂 it is a safe place to explore and discuss.
@N1ghtW1ng another practicality I found growing up before puberty (but also after), was that in my eyes, boys punched each other and got over it. Whereas girls would stew and become kinda evil towards me... Ive always felt more comfortable around guys. Going to an all-girls school wasnt fun for me.
I too have been finding the internet useful @N1ghtW1ng. It is great to read about other people's journeys. But I think hearing what you two have said has felt the most relatable to me.
Im not sure I was around when you made a website for your parents @N1ghtW1ng? Would you mind sharing what that was about? A.O.K if you dont want to.
I think I am at a similar point, @redhead. I am kinda flowing between the two and then in-between.
But I am find 'male clothing' is more practical in that you have pockets!!! It is also made better and cheaper (in my experience so far).
You mentioned trans @redhead, what do you think of that term? For me I think I currently associate it with people who identify completely with the opposite gender to their genetics. But I think I might have the wrong idea after reading a bit. I think at the moment I am feeling more comfortable with the term 'non-binary' or 'gender fluid'.
I really like what you said @N1ghtW1ng - that its about what finding what works for YOU not anyone else.
I would love to chat with you both more about this, (and anyone else who would like to join!) if you want to.
