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From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi I am new here. I am not someone who posts on social media a lot. I like this space because it's anonymous and I'm just looking for any help/support anyone may have for me and my particular situation! 


Me and my boyfriend mutually decided to end our relationship 3-4 months ago. We hadn't been together very long ( 3 months..I know. Its not much. But it meant a lot to us both while it lasted ) but we could both see that our lives were too different, and far apart (long distance but same state) . Even though we really liked each other we felt it was best to stop before we became more involved and just got more hurt. We have different belief systems as well. Despite all our differences we just really hit it off. It was really hard deciding to discontinue our relationship but there was just too much grey area. 


Anyway, I have missed him so much every day since. Which may sound pathetic.  I can't help it. I think about him every day. He still talks to me at least once or twice a week and we're still 'friends'. I still like hin but Im finding it very hard to move on when he keeps contactig me. Its a love-hate thing where I love hearing from him but it painfully reminds me we're not together. I dont know how to just be friends. I dont know what to do. I need to move on. Its been 4 months and I still hurt. Please help. What do you do to stop thinkibg about someone and to put them behind you without bitterness? Im so tired of remembering all the good memories and then hurting because they dont exist anymore. I feel desperate and foolish and majorly in need of new people and connections to refresh my mind.


Apologies in advance for my rambling. Would greatly appreciate your help or support while my heart is feeling bruised.. thankyouxox



Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hey @_daisy, welcome to RO! 


That sounds like a really tough situation - it seems like you and your boyfriend really cared a lot about each other while you were together, and that you both didn't make this decision lightly. Because it can be such a hard decision, it's perfectly normal to feel very sad and to miss the other person a lot. In a way, you're grieving the end of something important, and I think its important that you let yourself recover with as much time as you need.

Do you think it would help you to talk to someone about it? We would also be perfectly happy to talk it through with you Smiley Happy

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi @_daisy


Well there is the no contact solution, that depends on if you still want to be friends with him or not. If you choose this option, trying to become friends later in life might be hard. No contact solution is quite simple, just the name suggests, no contact. Give him a reason that you're hurting, it's painful to be reminded of the good memories and then you delete him, blocked, the whole thing. You will still remember him but at least this way his messages won't trigger something bad. 


For any breakup it is best that you focus on what you like to do, your hobbies etc. It distracts you from the person you're missing and you're doing something you like. After awhile (obviously it varies from person to person) your mind won't think about him anymore. I don't want to be a bummer but 4 months is not enough time, especially if they meant a lot to you. Give it a bit more time, don't talk to him if you want, focus on yourself and plan out your day etc. So how this works out for you, if it doesn't work there are counsellors that have other strategies you can try. 

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi, I am experiencing the almost exact situation like you, and I feel like I read my own story when seeing your post. Slight difference is he and I are from different countries. I have not got over him yet, still desperately want to be with him. There is not many friends who I can share my feelings and most advice I got are get myself busy with anything, hobbies, work, study, exersice,etc The goal is make your mind occupied with other things that prevent you from having time to think about the guy. My boyfriend does have work that make him busy, while I am currently unemployed and feel very unmotivated to do anything. I think about him all the time, and the more I miss him, the more I feel lonely. I know what I should do to get out of the situation, even before being told by my advisers. Only I just dont have any motivation to commence. 

Sorry I could not help you or give any good practices even though I am facing the same issue.

Hope you'll be strong and find some solutions that work for you and feel better over the time.

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi @safari93 and thankyou for the welcome 😊


I greatly appreciate your words. It is true that it has been a grieving process for me of sorts. Thankyou for understanding. I haved talked with my closest friends/family to help me. But I have learned too that all the talking in the world doesnt keep the hurt away, only time passing seems to be the key. I am patiently waiting..trying to.

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi @LeoTheLion, thankyou for your words and advice.  The no contacy solution is appealing to me but also scares me. I feel like it's too absolute,  too final. I feel like it would be liberating but I could really regret not sure what to do there.


How much time in general  is normal to get over a breakup? I havent known so I have felt silly that I still feel it 4 months later, I almost feel ashamed that I still feel it. Moving on seems scary.


Im also scared If i made that big call to delete him from my life, he would actually respect my decision and leave me alone because he's a gentleman like that.. Im trying to learn to be friends. Is feels weird tho. I struggle with it. And I would struggle without it. Do we just have to choose what struggles we're willing to endure?

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hey @LittlePanda, sorry to hear you’re having similar problems. Please feel free to start a thread if you would like. Heart


@_daisy I’m glad to see that you’re exploring options. Ultimately you’re the person who knows yourself and your needs best, so it’s your decision, but we’re very happy to help you explore these decisions. I’ve got to admit, I’m not the best person to talk to about relationships haha.

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi @LittlePanda. Thankyou for your encouragement and sharing your story with me. It means a lot. They are very similar. Ita really hard to make these mutual breakup decisions. Sometimes I wish he had just been awful to somehow make it easier to move on..but he's not awful, he's wonderful. I understand how you feel I really do. It must be a lot harder with a country separating you. I have found it helpful to invest in things I love. Such as drawing and reading..and trying to socialise. Its easy to want to mope around and be recluse. We have to be stronger than that. I hope you can be strong too and know you're not alone.

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hi @mrmusic and thankyou. Thanks for your words. It is really helpful to talk about it. Im sure you have something valuable to contribute even if you think its small its still a contribution and I appreciate it.

Re: From 'Boyfriend' to "friends". How to deal with mutual breakup?

Hey @_daisy, I am glad you have found some tips for keeping strong and involved in things you love. How sweet of you to share them here with others! There is no set time on getting over a breakup, everyone is really different. It is really difficult to wait it out because sometimes it feels like forever.. that is where the things that you love come into play to try and keep ourselves occupied. Well done!

It can be hard to transition to being friends and sometimes it is not a good idea for some relationships. At the end of everything, you need to look after yourself and make sure that you are doing ok, so keep this in mind if you need to make a decision about anything Smiley Happy


Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you are right.
– Henry Ford