originally posted on 21-09-2015 8:44 PM

Good evening folks! I was in conflict with myself half an hour ago... Just back from parking the car in the garage, seeing the beautiful night outside - city lights, people winding down, jogging, sitting at the cafe chilling *on a Monday Night* !!!...

So I was in conflict because the last thing I wanted to do was to sit in front of the laptop . SORRY!!! 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:03 PM

1. What causes conflict?

-difference of opinion between two parties, or difference in life goals/direction, feeling unhappiness in a relationship or situation, not getting what you want, Wanting something you really feel strongly about and waited for a long time - only to have it not come to fruition...oh, otherwise known as, disappointments (more conflict within the self - isn't that called congruence thingy or ....(enter Psych jargon here)...???)

Also: someone butting into a conversation midway the good bits! 😉 Glad to join you though. Hope I didn't break the conversation flow up too much...  I'm slow again 

 

2. Can you remember the last conflict you had? Tell us how you dealt with it.

Like my usual 'style' - I stay calm. Gotta problem solve, keepa da peace, then go to it like a paramedic at a crime scene: first thing i do is try to get anyone who is riled up or hurt or distressed, to CALM TEH FEELINGS - using strategies like, acknowledging them and their position, but standing your own ground - after all - you need to stand up for yourself too!

 

Last conflict? Boy, I encounter conficts (or: opportunities to assert my boundaries or problem-solve!) every day! Okay, I wanted to go on a longer bike ride on the weekend: becasue I was so thirsty and hanging out for a yummo coffee frappe (no sugar!) in teh next suburb along. Then it started raining and my friend got totally aggro and we sat there having a coffee but the mood was spoilt and they were getting nasty. I tried to reason with them but knew we just be better off heading back to base, so I said a bit later I made an error in pushing to keep riding - when i knew they were tired before we hit the cafe. Seemed they felt better about that, and the conflict lifted - Made me realise I could be more sensitive to what others need and how they are feeling. 🙂

 

3. What do you do when you are in conflict with someone?

Settle emotions. Peace-make. Sort out the issue. WIthdraw if need be. Be open to cleaning up the negative vibes. I see conflict as NOT a permanent construct BUT something that is more like FLEETING and a message to FIND BALANCE between TWO! 

 

4. What does someone 'going to far' look like in an argument? (Such as name calling, insults, etc.)

Using physical violence and verbal abuse. And ultimately, not covering over the 'transgression' but instead holding grudges... I SO cannot do that! Life's too precious for that, esp for peeps I care about !

However - sometimes I have had to draw a BIG FAT LINE to protect myself and mine. Sad state of affairs, but reality And self-respect dictates that it's my responsibility to do so.

 

*phew* 

 

thx

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:06 PM

wow @evanescence haha that's awesome, way to catch up!  I agree, especially about the grudges, sometimes we just have to let things go!

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:10 PM

How can you effectively talk to someone when you are having a disagreement?

I have a confession to make here: Sometimes I CAN'T effectively talk to them!

We just know we have to let it lie as the time wasn't right to discuss it openly. (both too heated up)

Good to let the heat settle a bit, then come together mutual time, when we are motivated by compassion.

 

I like the suggestions from you guys. They are spot on!

 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:17 PM

@tsnyder Conflicts don't distress me or depress me... I always feel something rise up in me (it's positive), and i go into Mediate/Problem Solve/Love mode.... Kinda like how I admire scenarios like Atticus Finch in the courtcase in To Kill a Mockingbird, and Mr Edwards in teh courtcase against Dr McQueen in Little House on teh Prairie.....

 

And I so understand that fiery aroused positive-energizing energy....

 

*PS. I find this CHAT session thing realy hard! I'm typing away here, and every one is miles ahead. Ummmmm....Hmmm!  

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:25 PM

@evanescence

I think everyone gets caught up in the hurricane of posts in a Getting Real. You're not alone!

 

Do you think Atticus was calm on the inside in To Kill a Mockingbird? 

 

And yeah, i don't think it's always happy endings and sweet roses, as nice as it would be. But maybe it's good that not everyone has to get along with everybody all the time. Wouldn't the world be a bit boring if we agreed on absolutely everying?

Maybe about having the capacity to disagree respectfully, letting another person do things their way as long as it doesn't cause harm? 

 

@tsnyder

Thinking about options for a faster Getting Real interface, it's on the long list of things to do 😄

 

 

 

 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:21 PM

and @evanescence I completely agree, it would be sweet if there was a more fluent way to host these talks

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:20 PM

awesome references there @evanescence!  Atticus Finch is definitely a worthy role model! 

That's great, how about when the disagreement is about something personal or upsetting?

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:25 PM

@tsnyder Ideally, I would love to have everyone be respected for their views and everyone to get along, and no bitchyness or grudges... Yeaaaaah, right?

 

COnflict is hard when it's so personal and difficult - it can indeed make you feel so alone and rejected. You start to questions yourself. Cos you didn't mean to hurt the other person, and you also feel hurt by what they said. And you feel flunked out cos you care about them. 

 

Then you work through that process with those strategies But if it doesn' twork, and you can't get the positive vibes back with them - you have to keep going and let them go with peace and compassion, even though the world would be better "if they could just see your point of view" . haha.

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:32 PM

Yeah I agree @evanescence its hard for everyone to feel respected and all that because when you are mad you are mad and sometimes calm just walks out of the door but I think @Ben-RO point about knowing you anger and how you fight is important so you can stop the storm before it starts.

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:31 PM

To the facilitators and @Ben-RO: I was participating in an online learning experience and we held our live online discussion in some web room thing, and we had all the participants on the left hand side box, and in the main frame on the RHS of sccreen, we saw the conversation flow along in real time. Might be out of the scope of the web design of RO here... Good luck with addressing that! Be keen to see anythig change in next twelvemonths . Or not! It's all good!! 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:34 PM

That sounds interesting @evanescence you never know RO is continuously changing and upgrading 🙂 Thanks though.

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:36 PM

So we have all talked about how sometimes conflict is not happy and sometimes might end the relationship so 

How can conflict be positive?

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:42 PM

I think it can be positive in that you learn about yourself and the people around you. It can also be positive if you are self-aware and are able to self-reflect. You can also grow out of that and change the way you fight.

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:40 PM

How can conflict be positive?

 

When its conducted respectfully and positive future steps are the outcome

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:43 PM

just quickly adding to that tho - that I still may not like that as the outcome, because to little aspie minded me, I still assume everyone would love to and be able to embrace differences and triumph in peaceful relations...but reality has borne out that just isn't always the case, nor is it realistic to want that all the time. Okay, so I can live with that most of the times, but for significant others - I will always care about them and the relationship.

 

Does that sound reasonable at all?

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:47 PM

We are coming to an end people, so before we go let's self reflect 🙂 

What are three coping strategies you will use when dealing with conflict next time?

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:49 PM

What are three coping strategies you will use when dealing with conflict next time?

 

- Give myself time before I respond, as to not over-react

 

- Be sure to truly listen and consider what the other person says, rather than just waiting for my turn to talk

 

- Focus on the problem, not the person

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:51 PM

What are three coping strategies you will use when dealing with conflict next time?

1. Walk away if things get heated

2. Be self aware of how I fight and when I am getting angry

3. Listen without thinking of a response but truly pay attention 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 10:02 PM

What are three coping strategies you will use when dealing with conflict next time?

I like what @ruenhonx has just said...so I'll just add a dotpoint 

1.  really Listen to what the other person is communicating, acknowledge their point of view.

2. Be humble enough to be able to admit I made a mistake, or to withdraw the argument if it serves the relationship better - but also to keep my boundaires and respect the boundaries of the other person, and acknowledge ther feelings, and say what I really mean!

3. to use practical strategies like a list, or reflecting on dotpoints, and really reach into my heart/feelings, to connect and discuss the conflict and make peace with the person/people.

 

originally posted on 21-09-2015 10:05 PM

Oh! Haha! It's finished! and i missed the goodbyes 

Thank you for holding this discussion tonight and thanks to the faciliators.

I enjoyed participating and learning about conflict and about myself.

Have a great week!

 

Thanks so much. x

originally posted on 21-09-2015 10:06 PM

Thanks for participating @evanescence - you have some really interesting and insightful points 🙂

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:55 PM

Great!

 

So, to summarise:

 

Tonight we discussed conflict, disagreement, and healthy ways to conduct oneself during these tough moments! It seemed as though the underlying notion was that respect is most important – for yourself and for others. Not being abusive, physically or mentally, was raised as the most effective and morally-correct way to engage in conflict.

 

Ironically, there were some different opinions about how you should act during a conflict, with some members and moderators emphasizing the importance of staying calm and not upsetting anyone, and others saying that it’s not realistic to expect yourself to always be calm, and that it’s more important to be truthful than to try to please everyone!

 

Conflict can be positive. It is an opportunity for learning, growth, and gentle reflection. Members insightfully mentioned that it allows you an opportunity to raise your awareness, understanding, and compassion.

originally posted on 21-09-2015 9:57 PM

Thank you @tsnyder for the summary and thank you all for a very insightful session. You are all great 🙂