originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:55 PM

@redhead Even though I'm really sad to hear that you've had to experience that, I think it's a really good thing that you can recognise the things that are wrong and not healthy for you! You should be really proud. That step can be really hard.

 

@stonepixie Those are really good points! I think the big thing with a lot of the things that you have pointed out is that sometimes we like to pretend they're actually good things, for example "they only want to know where I am all the time to protect me", when in fact they're crossing boundaries that might make us uncomfortable or unhappy. An important part of having a healthy relationship is definitely realising when someone is crossing your personal boundaries

originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:59 PM

I'm really glad to see all of us have a good sense of what relationships shouldn't be like! And that brings me to our next question for tonight:

 

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:07 PM

@Chessca_H I totally agree with you! I definitely think the idea of leaving can sometimes be even scarier then the idea of staying. What if no one believes you? What if no one wants to help you? What if you live with them, where will you go? What if you have children or pets together? What will happen to them? Or even just: "They won't let me leave".

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:07 PM

One thing I will say is that the time after a woman leaves is the most dangerous time when is comes to violence and domestic violence homicide.

There are lots of other reasons (shes isolated, lacks confidence, believes the myths of DV, stigma, threats, no where to go/homelessness, economic dependence, control and coercion) but YES why isn't the question "why doesn't he stop!" or "why doesn't HE leave"! By changing the language we might even be able to change the culture...

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:11 PM

@Sophie-RO Totally agree! We need to address how our culture portrays the issue before we can ever make serious progress in changing things

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:05 PM

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

 

I went to a community forum not too long ago which had a huge focus on this at the end. People have to realise that the person being abused might not leave because it is safer to stay than it is to leave, well that is how they feel and another part is the children. 

 

Anyway, after attending the forum I came away thinking that if the abuse is caught in the early stages, one can counsel the abuser as they may not realise what they are doing.

 

Either way, it is an extremely complicated answer to a not so complicated question.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:14 PM

I think you raised a really interesting point @stonepixie about counselling the abuser! A lot of people sit on the fence on this idea, like you @Chessca_H but there are people who use and practice these services. Sometimes there are people who don't want to leave their abusive partner, even if they recognise the abuse as wrong. These services exist to help both partners learn to cope and deal with the situation and keep the person being abused as safe as possible. 

 

Moving on to question number six:

 

If you knew a woman who was experiencing an abusive situation, what do you feel would be some good ways to help her?

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:20 PM

If you knew a woman who was experiencing an abusive situation, what do you feel would be some good ways to help her?

 

Let them know of refuge centres around them. Depending on you feel about it, you can give them your phone number so as you can help them leave. You can also call the police as a concerned citizen. There are many different ways of helping.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:18 PM

If you knew a woman who was experiencing an abusive situation, what do you feel would be some good ways to help her?

 

I would just try and be as supportive as possible, whether or not they feel like they can leave their abuser. I think that pushing them to leave would only cause them to push you away due to the reasons we've discussed, so just giving them as many resources as possible would probably be best.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:08 PM

@stonepixie whether or not an abuser can be counselled to not abuse at any stage of the process is a really interesting and complex debate, I'm still not sure where I sit on that issue

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:10 PM

@Chessca_H I think it just depends on whether there are any underlying issues or not.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:13 PM

@stonepixie I think that would be one of many factors that would interplay, I wouldnt even know where to start!

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:17 PM

We also need to remove this notion that says that men can't be victims of DV.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:24 PM

@stonepixie You are totally on a roll tonight, that's another great point - men can be victims of DV too and like @Chessca_H was saying, women can be victims of DV from other women, and men can be victims of DV from other men. I could go on all night about how important recognising this is (I wrote a fair few papers on DV in lesbian relationships, haha) but I won't! Breaking down the kind of myths and misunderstandings that exist is definitely an essential step forward in dealing with DV.

 

Unfortunately, for our LGBTI friends, we also have to work towards not only dealing with DV but also dealing with homophobia. If you want the best support for being in an abusive relationship with someone of the same sex, you have to come out and admit that you are in a relationship of the same sex. Sometimes that isn't always an option (ie. your family don't know) and sometimes services or the people in them can be rather unfriendly towards people because of their sexuality.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:20 PM

Absolutely true @stonepixie , also need to remove the idea that DV only occurs in heterosexual relationships

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:16 PM

Me either, but I guess a good place to start would be to look at his/her parents' relationship. @Chessca_H

originally posted on 24-11-2014 9:03 PM

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

 

I think a lot of people underestimate how isolating it is to be in that situation and how dangerous it can be to leave. A lot of the time victims aren't only isolated in terms of support (which is a big factor in not leaving) but also in terms of resources like finances, access to a car, safe housing when they do leave.

originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:47 PM

@redhead I'm sorry to hear you've been through that, but it's good that you can recognise it now 🙂

originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:32 PM

@redhead They're all really good. I love openess! Open lines of communication are so important in relationships.

 

Thanks everyone for sharing all your ideas about healthy relationships! It's great that we all have an idea about what we deserve and I think it's really cool that a lot of us have learnt about it  from our family, friends and community. And that leads us to question number three!

 

It seems like issuses like healthy / unhealthy relationships should be taught in sex-ed!  How else can we make sure we all see examples of healthy relationships and learn about them throughout our lives?

 

 

originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:39 PM

@Chessca_H I definitely think parents need to take a big role in teaching kids about what makes a relationship healthy. At one point or another parents are our role-models in lives.

 

I'd love to see someone teach parents and adults too! I definitely would love some more community action going on for all ages, that's such a great place to learn. I think it was @redhead said their church helped a lot and I thought that was really cool.

 

originally posted on 24-11-2014 8:39 PM

How else can we make sure we all see examples of healthy relationships and learn about them throughout our lives?

- I think the media has a huge role to play - in journalism and in movie & TV production.... Show us examples of healthy relationships and stop buying into myths and stereotypes.

- Families! Teach young people what they should expect in relationships in terms of respect, equality and trust...

- Schools, unis etc...