- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Float this Topic for Current User
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Printer Friendly Page
Going through a real rollercoaster of emotions
Hey ReachOut fam, it's DrummaBoy here. Its been a while since I've logged on, but I've really felt the need to reach out to you all.
I've been going through a lot lately, and I'm struggling to handle all the challenges that have come my way.
I've been carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders, and I'd just like to share my thoughts as a way of relief.
I've been facing troubles with my mental illnesses, including anxiety, ocd and depression. My mood has been up and down like a rollercoaster, and I'm just feeling so drained by these of waves of feeling good and feeling really down. I've noticed a heightened sense of anxiety and getting overwhelmed easily. I've also found it hard to get the motivation to do things. I've also recognised my habit of socially isolating myself, and getting lonely a lot.
I can recognise why I've been feeling this way, for a number of reasons. I'm just going to list them all out here to get them off my chest ...
I've recently come out as bisexual, which has proven to be both an exciting new chapter, but also quite a tough challenge. I've been dealing with over protective homophobic parents, who really don't get my situation, and have been treating me like a kid, even though I'm an adult. I've been stressed at uni, and are facing upcoming deadlines. I've lost a lot of connection with my good friends, and am trying really hard to find new supportive friends, which hasn't been easy. I recently got diagnosed with male pattern hair loss, which I'm feeling down right blue every time I look on the mirror.
Yeah, as you can see, it's been a lot for me. And sometimes I just don't have the energy to do much, and find it hard to look forward to things in the future.
I'm just in need of comfort right now, as I'm finding my support network to not be very available right now.
Thank you to all who read my post, I do really appreciate it.
Much love, DrummaBoy ❤️🌈
Comments
Hey everyone, I just thought I'd share what's been happening for me 🌸
I just like to start by saying thank you for being so kind, understanding and helpful. Your support is genuinely appreciated and your words are a real comfort to me in this difficult hour.
I'll begin by saying that yesterday was a really really rough day, probably one of the hardest days I've ever experienced. I'll go into more detail below, but long story short, I faced my mum about my sexuality after feeling so hurt. She didn't let me go to the Queer date night, and I felt so many emotions of sadness, frustration, anger and everything in between.
So here's my story...
Yesterday didn't go to a good start because I was already annoyed at my mother for how she's been treating me. And as I left for work, she could tell I was annoyed at her, and then she got all upset.
On the train to work, I felt bad and decided to text her. I said sorry for being annoyed at her. But I kinda worded the text wrong though, saying 'I love you no matter what' And she freaked out, thinking I was going to harm myself or something, which was not the case at all.
She tried calling me, and I just didn't want to speak with her. I texted her back saying I'll speak on my lunch break. It was tough for the first half of the day, as I already was in such a state. Then came lunchtime, and I still really didn't want to speak with her. She messaged me again, saying to 'please call me'. I had to be strong and pick up the phone, which was really hard.
It was no surprise that she was upset with me. She did not want me to go to this Queer dating event, and continually kept discouraging me from going. She said some really hurtful things, that were quite homophobic actually. She really believed that the gay boys at this event would prey on me and take advantage of me ... which I knew wasn't true. And then she came up with even more excuses of why I shouldn't go. She even made up one, saying she doesn't want me going because she was worried about catching covid off me from this event, which I knew was a lie of an excuse.
She kept saying such hurtful things and I just shut down. I couldn't talk anymore, and her words were just pounding on me. I was so sad, so frustrated, so angry with her, that I snapped and just hung up.
I wasn't in a fit state to work after the phone call, so I managed to leave early. My boss was really understanding and said for me to take the rest of the day off.
I felt like bursting into tears, and I was struggling so bad to keep my self together, especially in public. I jumped on the train and tried to calm myself down gently. I was in such a state, but I knew I needed to go home and talk to my mother.
It took a lot of courage to go home, knowing that she'd be there when I arrive. I was dreading this so much, but I had to see her at some point. I got in the door, and we were both really upset. I went and had a shower first, and took a breather. And then I came out and said 'mum we need to talk'.
Now comes the hardest part of the day, and one of the most hardest conversations I've ever had in my life. We sat down, and of course she started again about how worried she is, and how she didn't want me to go to the event. I told her I wasn't going, as I wasn't fit to go anyway, after how bad I was feeling.
She just let everything out that was on her mind, which was so so so hard to hear. I shut down again when she was speaking and I couldn't even look at her in the face. She said that boys will prey on me, once again, that gay men are 'predators', just wanting to abuse me. She also started making so many assumptions, and continued with some really awful stuff. She said how sad she would be if I didn't marry and have kids, if I turned out to be gay. And she said that her purpose as a mother and all her heritage would be wasted if I didn't find a female partner and raise a family. On top of this, she kept saying how shocked she was when I spoke about my sexuality and in her mind, refused to fact that I liked boys.
Believe me, I was really trying to keep my cool at this point. But then, I needed to speak and tell my side of the story. I started by telling her how cruel those words are to me, and how much pain and hurt this has caused. I was so disgusted by everything she's said, and told how homophobic and awful her words are. I also stood up for myself saying 'don't assume and don't make such judgements on me for your own selfish reasons. It's so cruel that you expect me to marry and have children, and that's not okay.' I also said that I am bisexual, and that she shouldn't have immediately assumed I was gay.
I also told her "How you imagine gays guys are is completely untrue. 'The Queer community, including gay men, are so supportive and so kind. I feel myself, at my best when I'm around them. What you might have experienced in your youth is not the same as mine. Times have a changed, and you need to stop holding onto a conservative, narrow minded, old fashioned background'
On another note, she kept saying how she didn't want me to relive her life ... having strict parents, who didn't let her do anything and was afraid to let her be independent. Well, I stood up for myself again, and said 'that is exactly what you are doing ... I am reliving your life, because you are hard on me just like your mother was to you, and I can't live my life freely when you're always on my back'
After I let out all my words, she stopped for a second in silence. Something happened in her mind, and then she started apologising... which was really unexpected. I felt like she had shifted back from this nasty person into my mum again. I can't say that it made things okay again, but it was relieving to finally hear her say sorry and end this heated argument.
Oh man, I couldn't tell you how I felt afterwards. I still felt sad, angry and frustrated, but there was this relief that I stood up for myself and let out all the things that I'd been feeling. Mum really had no idea how harmful her words were to me, and eventually realised how toxic those messages are to me.
I'm still feeling a little bruised today after yesterday, but I'm surprisingly okay. I went to see my psychologist and told him everything. He was very supportive and understanding of my situation. I then occupied myself for the rest of the day with a dance workout, shower singing, piano practice, thrashing it out on the drums, and watching lots of tv with my chihuahua on the couch. I'm planning to catch up with my really close friend, who is also Queer, tomorrow. I'm also going to get out of the house and treat myself.
Thank you for reading my longest story ever. If you managed to read it, even just a little bit, I'm so grateful. It's time for bed now, but I'll make sure to check in tomorrow.
Sending my love to you all, sweet dreams. Love, DrummaBoy ❤️🌈❤️
@DrummaBoy I can't imagine how painful it must have been, hearing your mother say such hurtful things about you and the community you belong with, yet how you handled the conversation with her is really worth acknowledging. It sounds like you really understood what you needed throughout the day, such as not talking to her until you got home and taking the afternoon off work (also, I'm really glad that your boss was understanding of how you were feeling!). I can completly understand why you have mixed feelings about the outcome of your conversation with your mother. It must be sad to hear such homophobic language coming from your own mother, and I am glad that you were able to tell her how you felt and how her beliefs were wrong and outdated. I imagine it would have been a bit of a wakeup call for her to hear that she is acting like her own strict parents, and I hope this conversation is a move forwards in your mother understanding and accepting your sexuality.
It sucks that you couldn't go to the Queer dating night, but I'm glad your day was full of things that you enjoy and could help make you feel better. Thrashing it out on the drums sounds like a great way to express those feelings. Thank you so much for sharing, I hope it was cathartic to get all your thoughts written out. We'll always be here to support you 💙
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Inappropriate Content
I have to acknowledge how well you dealt with this situation, @DrummaBoy but also how hurtful that conversation with your mum would have been.
Defending your identity and community to a loved one is such a difficult thing to do. I can imagine how hard it was to keep your cool, calm your nerves and defend yourself - but you did it in such a measured and powerful way.
I'm relieved that your mum stopped and listened to what you had to say and apologised for hurting you. To me, that shows growth and gives me hope that she'll change her tune as she continues to understand your identity.
In saying that, it's perfectly reasonable that you'd walk away from that chat with mixed feelings. It's a lot to process, and I'm so glad you're here with us so we can support you along the way. It's also great to hear that you have a psychologist to debrief with and close queer friends around you.
We are always here to cheer you on, hear you out and celebrate you.
Have a great catch up with your friend and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey@Courtney-RO,@hopeful_24, @Jennifer-RO,@hopeful_24,@fishyie,
hope you're all well 🌸
I just wanted to reach out tonight, because I'm feeling sad and down right now. Yesterday was a really tough day, followed by tonight as well. I've been feeling really low about myself, after getting a haircut yesterday and seeing how much hair I've lost recently. It came as a real shock, and I haven't been able to look in the mirror and acknowledge myself like I usually do. I've just been feeling hopeless and alone. It's really discouraged me from going out and wanting to see people. I feel embarrassed about it, and get a stomach ache about what people might think of me.
On the topic of seeing people, I've got a Queer dating and speed friending party booked tomorrow night, which I was really looking forward too. But I'm feeling ashamed about my hair and how I look. Plus, tonight my mum was questioning where I was going, and what this event is. I am an adult, and deserve some privacy about what I do, but she just doesn't respect that. It's fine when it's a "straight" event, but anything queer she's so anti about it. She just gives me this ashamed look, like there's something wrong with me. And then with my dad, he can be so insensitive towards gay people, making mean comments when we're watching tv. That hurts me, because I'm bisexual, and actually leaning more towards boys. And don't get me started on my mother trying to hook me up with girls ... "oh she'd be a cute girl to date" or "I had a dream about you and this gorgeous girl". But I'm really not that interested in girls romantically. I love them very much, and most of my friends are girls ... but that doesn't mean I should suppress my feelings for boys just to make her happy.
I honestly just want to find more queer people who get me. My friendship circle is so small now, that I really need to find that friend support network. I'm also really keen to get into the dating scene, because I want to be able experience my own sexual attractions, not the ones my parents dream of.
They just don't understand what I'm going through. It's so frustrating because they always compare my situation, having depression and life troubles. They say things like 'your better off that most people' or 'look at this person, they're struggling with a lot more stuff than you'. But I am struggling with a lot, I have depression, anxiety, ocd, my hair is getting me really down, I have to hide my sexuality from them, it's a lot!
I really need help because I feel like I'm in a dark place right now. I've faced really challenging times before, but this time is just so hard.
Sending my love to all you ReachOut supporters, your words mean so much and I look forward to hearing from you super soon 🌈🌈🌈
DrummaBoy ❤️❤️❤️
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Inappropriate Content
Hi @DrummaBoy
I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much right now - it sounds like it has been a rough day or two. It can be so upsetting to notice something about your physical appearance and then to be worried about what others might think. I can understand why it has made you feel embarrassed and hesitant to go out. I know that can be an incredibly isolating and sad way to feel 🙁 It might not feel like it right now, but you are so much more than what people see on the outside.
It would be so difficult to hear those comments from both of your parents. Feeling respected, heard and understood by your parents can be really important especially when you are still trying to figure out parts of yourself. I can hear that you are lacking a lot of this from your parents right now. Is there anyone in your life who makes you feel supported? Do you have any professional supports? By the way, we are so glad that you have reached out for support tonight. Sometimes things get hard to bare alone.
The Queer dating and speed friending event sounds like lots of fun and a good way to meet people. I hope you get to go, even though you are feeling quite down about yourself right now. I know that if I am focused on a particular part of my physical appearance, a lot of the time other people don't notice and if I do point it out to them, they seem pretty uninterested by it. Do you think that might also be true for you?
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Inappropriate Content
hi @DrummaBoy
thank you for making the choice to return to ReachOut even if it has been a while, we will always be here for you if you need to talk or get something off your chest 💙
although i'm sorry to hear that you've been going through tough times recently. it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment with your mood, uni, coming out (which, congratulations by the way 🌈!!), losing friendships and your diagnosis of male pattern hair loss. it's completely understandable that you're not full of energy at the moment and seeking comfort. and you deserve kudos for being able to acknowledge that and come seek out comfort here, it shows that you know what you need in order to feel even a bit better.
what's going on with uni at the moment? if you'd like to rant about it or get it off your chest, i'd be happy to listen 😄
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Inappropriate Content
Hi @DrummaBoy I'm sorry to hear that you've been carrying around so much weight on your shoulders, we appreciate you keeping us updated with everything you've been going through. It sounds like there has been a lot going on recently, from managing your mental health, coming out as bisexual, uni, deadlines, friends, that's A LOT to be dealing with right now. So what do you do to take care of yourself during this time? Just remember that you are important too.
I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have all been for you, especially without the full support of your family so I just want to remind you that the whole online community are all here to support you. If you would like to talk to someone about this Kidshelpline is always available, but it may also be worth looking into other supports such as Qlife.
You are not alone 💜
Hey@Courtney-RO ,@hopeful_24, @fishyie and all my ReachOut buddies 😊 I'd just like to thank you all for your love, comfort and support 🌈 It really means a lot to me and I'm so grateful for your encouragements and kind words ❤️ It really takes the pressure off me when I can express my feelings, especially with such likeminded people. I've been having good days so far since my post, which I good. I managed to get out on the town with my best friend, and we had a wonderful night out. She's always there for me, in good and bad times, so I'm super grateful for her support and our friendship 🌸 I've also had some quality self care time, watering my plants, playing piano, listening to music, going for nature walks and eating good food. On reflection, I definitely feel better when I get out and do things I enjoy. I've even noticed how sunny days make me feel a lot better, compared to grey rainy days (which we've had a lot of 😅)
I can see it might be a bad habit when I just sit in my room, alone with my thoughts. Though, there has been a silverlining to this, where I've reflected on important things, like discovering my sexuality, which was pretty awesome. I am really keen to get more involved in Queer spaces and meet new friends. It was the best time for me with Mardi Gras this year, but it can be challenging to find events outside of this time.
I'm keen to speak with pyschologist again soon, and talk about these challenges in more detail with her. I acknowledge that sometimes everything can get overwhelming, like when I wrought this post, so taking the time to step back and care for me has been really helpful ⭐️
Thanks again for all your support so far, much love,
DrummaBoy 🌈❤️
i'm so happy to hear that you've been experiencing good days since you posted - and i absolutly agree with you, sunny days really can help improve your mood! it's awesome that you were able to really give yourself the self-care you needed to help improve your mood, and it seems like it has really helped which is wonderful! i hope your talk with the psychologist goes well 💜
also that's so cool that you were able to go to Mardi Gras; does your uni have any LGBTQ+ clubs that you might be able to go along to and meet people there?
Hi @DrummaBoy
It's so great to read your post and update!!
You certainly have some great techniques and perspectives and we are so proud of you and the steps you are taking to take care of yourself 💙
We're always happy to have you here and your advice and insight would be fantastic for so many others too 😃
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Inappropriate Content