Kaz-RO Moved This: Seeking help when we don't want help
- had to have some skim milk in my milo instead of full cream
+ free milo at work, yo
- today is dragging on forever
- coworker got injured at work
+ they'll be ok and back on Monday probably
- Feeling stupidly sad AGAIN. Seriously fuck off, feelings.
+ I'm not going to let it stop me from doing what I have to do tonight. Although it might stop me from making dinner idk but at least I'll have topped up my bus card.
- Ok nope. Can not deal with my bullshit right now. Want to choke myself til I feel nothing.
+ There are other things I can do and should do even though I don't want to do them.
@Bay52VU do you ever wonder if you're focussing on the right thing here? You will always find flaws in anything if you look hard enough, literally anything. I see you as a pretty awesome person, who does so many things for other people on the community, has a pretty awesome family that they care about (and that care about them) and you have also had the courage to work through your gender identity which some people never get as far through as you have already!
When you were reading through those nice things i just said about you, were you finding arguments against them?
It is a process, it will take a while for your brain to write new pathways. After all, how long did you unconsciously do it for?
So yeah i'm not going to lie, it takes a lot of practice, but every time you take some steps to manage distress differently or even just sit with the feelings instead of pushing em away you're adding to your repertoire. We will be here to encourage you every step of the way!
Depends what you mean by "it" @Ben-RO.
If you mean self harm, then I haven't "unconsciously" done that for years, because "unconsciously" would mean doing it immediately as soon as an urge/thought arises without considering the option of not doing it, or without deciding to do anything different at all instead. Which is why so much of the self-help literature sounds so patronising tbh because it's written in a tone that suggests the person has never tried anything at all ever and is just going around with no damper and instantly reacting to everything that occurs. And it's like "oh if you can do this, which you've obviously never tried at all before, then you'll never have to whinge to anyone ever again because this solves everything forever horray!"
If you mean having crappy thoughts and "unconsciously" accepting them a lot of the time, well sure you got me there. But I still don't see how doing something different is dissimilar to pushing away the thought.
Edit: I'm sorry. Those words echo around in my head more than anything. But I just don't want to do this anymore, and I'm sorry for that too.
@Bay52VU how did you go distracting yourself? It seems like you were fighting off some pretty huge, overwhelming feelings.
@Bay52VU I'm going to have to disagree with you there. It didn't sound like you were being an asshole, and it certainly seems to me like you deserve attention and care right now.
You always get to retreat if you're not feeling comfortable talking - that is your right. But never feel like you have to retreat because you don't deserve support, especially if you're feeling that way because your emotions are complex, confusing and challenging, all of which is true tonight.
I'm right here. Take your time, but I'm not going anywhere.
@Kaz-RO I don't feel like I deserve it though. I feel like I deserve to be beaten up and hurt.
@Bay52VU Before I say anything else, I just need to check - are you safe right now? I'm really worried about you tonight.
It must be awful to need support and have your brain tell you, over and over, that you don't deserve it. It must feel so overwhelming and painful to be having to face down your own mind, just to seek some basic help and care when you really need it.
It is really, really brave and strong for you to be here, reaching out for that right now. I know you keep saying you don't want help, and I hear that. But I feel like if you had totally given in to that feeling, you probably wouldn't be here. You being here, sharing what you're feeling, that is the part of your brain that wants to keep you safe. That's the part of you that knows you deserve care and kindness. It is really scary and difficult to come here and write down what you're feeling at a time like this, to face down the part of you that wants you to be hurt. I really want you to know how proud we are of you for doing it. That is a huge thing. Well done.
Do you want to talk about why you're feeling this way tonight? I'm thinking we could maybe start your own thread to try to explore some more of what you're going through right now. What do you think?
I'm not going to let myself talk about stuff tonight @Kaz-RO but it might be an idea to move/delete the posts out of the -/+ thread so it doesn't put anyone else off from posting. Cheers.
@Bay52VU that is an awesome idea. I'm leaving them in their own thread though - you deserve support for tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever you are ready.
Hey @Bay52VU! Saw things were tough last night. I also noticed that you were recognising the stinking thinking and impulses that resulted as what they were rather than giving into them. That's a BIG step.
Remember that if your brain is used to doing one thing to deal with feelings then that's the thing it's going to jump to first whenever the feelings happen. Going back to the shoelace metaphor i was prattling on about on Tuesday; initially shoelace tying is a conscious effort, eventually we don't even think about doing it and accept it as the only way to do it.
Likewise with self harm, or bad thoughts or urges. Over time it becomes an unconscious effort and the thing our brain jumps to without realising that there were other options.
The cool thing about your post was it sounds like you're making it something you're conscious of, and it sounds like you're finding other things to do instead of just tying the shoelaces the way you're used to.
I want to give you a GIANT list of things to do instead. Have a look at the "ACCEPTS" bit in particular. I can help you work through it a bit more and i am sure @Kaz-RO and maybe some of the mods would be able to too 🙂 . The goal would be to pick a few things that sit well with you, write em down somewhere obvious and do them when you're feeling like crap. You can also do them when you're not feeling like crap for bonus points, as it'll help your brain pick new pathways more quickly.
