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TW. Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia/Somniphobia

Hello, My name is Sam, and I am 18 years old.

I am here because I was recommended by my psychologist to give it a shot, but pretty much for the past month or so I've been struggling really badly. It all started when my GP and I decided we should change up my anti-depression/anxiety medication to see if something else could work even better, because I was still having panic attacks I guess I just thought it wasn't working as much as it should... guess I was wrong about that. Anyway, I start taking a new medication and I felt so awful and developed nausea, vomiting, fatigue and drowsiness. Couple weeks later I wean myself off it and I start a new medication, well, similar things started happening again. Now I should state that due to my fathers passing when I was 9 years old, I'd developed this fear of not being alive, so I started to fear things like terminal illness [cancer etc], dying, sleeping, and things like surgeries. All of it terrified me, It's a bit better now but yeah. Anyhow because I was getting these side effects I could never shake the thought of the fact that maybe I had some terminal illness that was slowly but surely killing me. Obviously there's a 99.9% of that not being the case, but I catastrophize everything. Blowing things so far out of proportion that I'd ended up working myself to the point where for 3 or so days I would be shaking uncontrollably and even ended up going to the emergency department. Everything has cooled down since and my anxiety is certainly not as bad, but as of the past 2 weeks or so my Somniphobia has re-emerged stronger than ever. It quite literally is a war with my head when I have to go to sleep, Because of this my anxiety has arisen, mainly from sleep deprivation and the worry that I'll never be able to sleep soundly anymore. As well as my anxiety coming back, my depression has been immense to the point I do sometimes think that my life isn't worth it anymore. I'm having breakdowns where I just listen to sad music and cry for hours because nothing in life feels like it is going right anymore. I dropped out of school, I lost all my friends, my sleeping shifted from 12-8am to 6am to 3pm, I constantly was having panic attacks and strong anxiety. It was so severely overwhelming. But I'd never find the courage to end my own life because of my fear of death, so you can rest easy about that. In saying that, I do definitely question my existence and belonging in this world still, I feel so incredibly isolated and lonely to the point where everything I used to love and enjoy has just become a bothersome task. I find myself endlessly bored of life, never able to find something to smile about. I keep questioning whether I'm once again just over-reacting and that my thoughts and emotions aren't justified which makes me feel selfish, and useless. But yeah, my depression has been absolutely devouring me as of late. They always say there's light at the end of the rainbow... but I've never found that light, and it's becoming really hard to keep traversing down this rainbow to reach my so called "light". Does anyone have any advice or literally anything I could do to ease this suffering and despair? It's plaguing my life and has control over it and I can't seem to get it back. If you did read this, I appreciate it immensely, I don't know where or who else to turn to anymore. 

Thank You.

Samm
SammPosted 06-10-2022 01:38 AM

Comments

 
Samm
SammPosted 18-10-2022 03:36 PM

Update 2: heading off of my current medication and onto a new medication; because of my Somniphobia and my experience of withdrawals I'm extremely worried and hesitant to stop and start medications, especially my new medication as it is widely known for its' 'sedative' effects. This hasn't always been the case, it just started happening because of the time where I stopped taking my current medication and then went back on it at the wrong dose and the side effects made me end up at the emergency department because I was simply that scared and anxious. Should I voice these concerns to my psychologist and GP or is this just unjustifiable fear taking over, I'm worried.

 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 18-10-2022 04:17 PM

Hey @Samm , thanks for the update!

 

I think it's absolutely fair to voice these concerns to your GP or psychologist, especially if you've had some past negative experiences with changing around your medications. Trying to find the right meds can be a tricky thing to go through both mentally and physically, so you're definintely justified in feeling a bit nervous.

 

With that being said, your GP and psych are there to support you and make the process as smooth as possible, so there's absolutely no harm in keeping them in the loop about how you're feeling so that they can help out. 

 

My fingers are crossed for you that the change is helpful and that you're able to get some better and less scary sleep from here 🙂 

 

P.S. I made a few small edits to your post to keep them in line with our community guidelines ðŸ˜»

 
Samm
SammPosted 10-10-2022 03:15 AM

Update;

Depression isn't as bad, but my somniphobia is sky high, trying to sleep is a war everysingle night... not ideal as you can imagine. Does anyone else suffer from a severe fear of sleeping and has any tips they could share? so I can able to go to sleep and enjoy it instead of almost giving myself panic attacks about it... everysingle night. If you want to know why I fear sleep, put it simply; I don't like not being in control of my body and that empty void that you have no idea that you're in until you do wake up, trying to let myself fall into sleep is horrifying since I'm not gonna know when I am asleep and when I'm falling asleep. Life would be so much easier if sleep wasn't a necessity. Really struggling with it, to the point where myself... an 18 year old... is sleeping in his mothers bed to try to relax. Which wasn't working so now I'm in my room again tonight to try again... I just hate it, something so normal scares the sh*t outta me, it wouldn't be so bad if you could go without sleep for a few days but it's the fact that it's everysingle damn day that I have to go through it. Once again any advice... anything really. I'm tired but my fear of sleep just keeps me awake, causing low quality sleep and sleep fragmentation.Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
 
Iona_RO
Iona_ROPosted 10-10-2022 11:44 AM

Hi @Samm 

It's great to hear that the depression isn't as bad at the moment, was there anything you think helped this improve in particular?

I can imagine dealing with somniphobia must be really distressing. You mentioned previously that things cooled down for a while - was there anything that helped you with the somniphobia then? 

I'm wondering if you've been able to let your GP know that it is something that's happening again? They should be able to give you some more adivce and maybe establish if it's the new medication that's causing it & whether there's a different medication that might work better for you 😊

 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 10-10-2022 04:55 PM

Uhh I don't think there was anything in specific that helped, just time really.
There wasn't really anything that helped, I'd just force myself to not think or think about something else when trying to sleep, but when I try to do that now It kind of just gets overpowered by the fear. I will let my GP know but I don't think there is much that will change unless I get the proper therapy I need for it. Thanks for your response and consideration, appreciate it.

 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 11-10-2022 11:55 AM

Hey @Samm , I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling overpowered by fear when you're trying to go to sleep. Trying not to think about the one thing that's terrifying you can be incredibly difficult. Have you tried listening to podcasts or audiobooks when you're going to sleep? I know that that's just a distraction, and it won't necessarily improve your fear of falling asleep itself, but some people find helpful to focus on something else when you're in bed other than just trying to fall asleep and not thinking about your fears. 

 

That's great that you'll let your GP know, hopefully they'll be able to point you in the right direction and help you find some extra support for what you're going through. It sounds like you've seen your fair share of psychologists - have you ever seen someone who specialises in specific phobias?

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 11-10-2022 03:01 PM

I don't listen to podcasts aor anything specifically, but I recently set up a tv at the end of my bed that I keep audio on YouTube while I try to sleep, to try to block out the thoughts. I haven't seen people for specific phobias, no. But my psychologist thinks it could be worthwhile to see someone for EMDR treatment seeing as my phobia is so deep rooted. Thanks for your time and response, appreciate it.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 11-10-2022 09:35 PM

That sounds like such a great idea @Samm. Have you noticed any difference since setting up the TV at the end of your bed? 

I'm sorry to hear that you have been having so much trouble with this lately, but i am glad that your psychologist has been able to suggest a few different things to look into. How do you feel after hearing your psychologist suggest EMDR? I know it can sound really scary so I just want to remind you that you're not alone and we're all here for you.

I can't see that it's been mentioned before, but we also have a really great article on Getting a good night's sleep and I wonder if maybe some of the suggestions listed are able to give you some ideas on ways to manage at least some of your anxiety, before bedtime. I also saw earlier that you were a bit of a gamer. Do you find that gaming helps you to relax at all? 

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 12-10-2022 12:14 AM

errr I mean it allows me to kinda just enjoy being in bed before I sleep but as soon as I need to go to sleep it all just goes out the window. Honestly don't mind the emdr suggestion I just want to find relief from this tbh. Will give the article a read cheers. I wouldn't say gaming relaxes me but it certainly distracts me really well most of the time. Thanks for the response, appreciate it.

 
Sally_RO
Sally_ROPosted 06-10-2022 03:08 PM

Hi @Samm, welcome to the ReachOut forums, it’s really great to have you here 🙂 Thank you for sharing a little bit about what has been going on for you recently. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot lately, and I can hear what an exhausting and stressful time it has been for you. How are you feeling today? 

It sounds like changing medications has been a really tough journey for you. I am sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing side effects from the medication, it sounds like an awful thing to be going through. Changing up medication is not always an easy process, it can be really upsetting to feel as though nothing is working. It can often take time to find the right fit for you. Though you mentioned that you have consulted with your GP on this, I was wondering whether you have considered consulting with a psychiatrist who specialises in anxiety and depression?

I am really sorry to hear that you lost your father when you were 9, it is really painful losing someone as important as your parent. Have you come across a service called Feel the Magic? I thought I would share it with you, as they have resources and programs for young people experiencing grief. 

You mentioned that since your father passed you have been struggling with fears of not being alive or getting a terminal illness. I can understand how the side effects from the medication would have been really triggering your anxiety around this. It's an awful feeling to have when you can’t shake the thought of something terrible happening, it can really get you worked up and worried about things. You mentioned that your anxiety has cooled down now, but I am wondering if your GP is aware of the impact that the medication had on your anxiety? 

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in fearing things like death, illness or surgeries. To many, if not all, these are really scary events to consider. Have you found any strategies that help to distract yourself from these thoughts when they are present? This article has some tips on how to manage anxiety, and this one has self-help tips for depression, if you’re interested in having a read.

I thought it also might be helpful to share that ReachOut has a one-on-one peer chat service, which connects you with peer workers who have experienced mental health challenges themselves. If this is something you might be interested in, you can find some more info on it here

It takes a lot of courage to share your story, so thank you for reaching out today. The team at RO are here. 

 
 
Samm
SammPosted 06-10-2022 05:48 PM

I got a decent sleep so I'm feeling alright today,

To answer all your questions, I've seen multiple psychiatrists but most of them let me go because they can't seem to help me.
I appreciate the sentiment but I believe I have grieved my dads' passing and managed to move on now.
I do believe my GP is aware of how I'm feeling and how my anxiety is acting up around the medication side effects as I try to be as truthful as I can with him.
I wouldn't say I have any effective distraction techniques as I have panic disorder and when I start to think about things that scare me, I tend to break out into a panic attack because my thoughts would just keep spiralling.
I will read these articles and will have a look at the chat service, Thank you for your time replying to this post, means a lot to me as I don't have anyone to talk to or vent to about how I feel. Appreciate it immensely, Thank you.

 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 06-10-2022 08:49 PM

Hey @Samm I'm so glad you've reached out to us to get some support with what you're going through at the moment, it sounds like such a challenging situation to be in. I can hear just how tired and overwhelmed you are. From changes in medication, different psychiatrists and anxiety, it's A LOT! It can be really hard finding the right kind of supports, so I just want to say well done for not giving up, despite how discouraging it is to be let go from certain health professionals.

I'm also really glad to hear that you felt comfortable opening up to your GP and sharing how you feel about your anxiety and medication side effects with him. That sounds like it would have made things even just a touch easier. How do you feel after opening up to him about all of this?

I know you already have lots to read through, but as you mentioned panic disorder and having panic attacks, I wanted to share some other helpful articles that might be able to give you some ideas on things that you can do to help manage them. We have a great article on Panic Attacks and what you can do to manage them, Ways you can relax and also Looking after yourself. Do you think these might be able to help at all? 

I was also wondering what other supports you have around you right now. Is there anyone else you might feel comfortable sharing how you're feeling with? Sometimes it can be really helpful to have someone close by for when you do feel that panic coming in. If you do ever want to talk to someone about this, KidsHelpline is always available via phone and webchat. I wonder if they might also be able to help you manage some of your anxiety too. 

I just want to remind you that you're not alone and we're all here to support you 💜

 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 06-10-2022 09:21 PM

I will read through these articles aswell. As far as support goes, I have a psychologist who unfortunately is not really helping, and my mum and brother... but that's about it, I don't really have any friends or relationships anymore.
So that whole feeling of isolation and the depression/loneliness is exceptionally bad for me currently.
I know that I'm not alone but it's really hard to not feel like I am when everyday I'm eagerly waiting for any kind of human interaction to just get nothing.
It makes me really sad cause I start believing that maybe I'll just be alone forever and that nothing will change.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to respond. As stated before I appreciate it immensely.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 06-10-2022 11:06 PM

I'm really glad to hear that you have the support of your mum and brother @Samm though i'm sorry to hear that you don't feel like your psychologist is really helping. Do you mind me asking how long you have been seeing them for? 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so alone and that the isolation has been really bad for you lately, that must be really hard. Having to manage so many heavy thoughts and feelings.. that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. How do you manage it all?

 

In the past, when trying to manage these feelings, have you been able to find anything that helps you feel even just a little bit better?  

 

You mentioned earlier that you were 9 when you lost your dad and that you started to fear things like terminal illness. I actually really relate to this as I also lost my dad when I was 9 and know just how horrible it can be. I just want to say how brave you are for opening up, we really appreciate you sharing so much with us. 

 

I know it might not make much of a difference, but I just want to say that we are so lucky to have you here with us. You are more than welcome to drop in here as little or as often as you feel comfortable. No matter what, we will always look forward to hearing from you!

 

You have the whole ReachOut community here to support you 💜

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 07-10-2022 01:18 AM

I've probably ben seeing my psychologist for about 4-ish months now, she kind of explains the processes of things instead of explaining to me how to deal with them.
To be quite frank with you, I don't really manage it, I just let whatever happen, happen. I've just accepted the fact that I'm depressed and don't really try to fight it and just let it be.
I mean I kind of dealt with everything through gaming, I've pretty much used internet and games as an escape for my whole life, but as of recently because of my depression I just find it boring and difficult. Everyone around me seems to say that I have an addiction, but I really don't have anything that I look forward to, or even enjoy in the real world..
You might see me as brave but I feel more like a coward personally, I feel selfish and ashamed that I put this burden on everyone that's close to me, I feel pathetic that my emotions control me this much.
I personally wouldn't say you're lucky to have me here, I'm more of a burden haha, either way I appreciate the sentiment and will be on here constantly looking for replies and human interaction, So yeah. Thank you.

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 07-10-2022 01:22 PM

Hey @Samm 👋😊

 

I've just read through your thread, and thank you sincerely for opening up to us. It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind, and it must be a heavy load to carry 😞

 

I'm sorry to hear you aren't finding your psychologist helpful. You mentioned you'd seen four psychiatrists, but I was wondering if this is your first psychologist? 

 

It can be a bit of trial and error to find the right psychologist and type of therapy - which is so hard when you need support. I can see we've sent you quite a few articles to read, and I don't want to overload you, but I think these may be worth checking out when you feel up to it. 

 

There are many types of therapy, and this article goes into a few of them. They all have different purposes and coping strategies, and sometimes it's about finding the right one to fit your needs. 

 

It sounds like you are looking for coping strategies, which is a great thing to strive for in therapy. How do you feel about sharing that with your psychologist? 

 

Also, I was wondering how you feel about losing interest in gaming? I can imagine it would be upsetting if it's been a way to cope in the past. I'm not sure if this is something you're into, but I've heard recently that more psychology services are doing "therapeutic dungeons and dragons". If that interests you, I'd be happy to do some research and send you some info. 

 

I know you're feeling really low about yourself right now, but I want you to know that you are in no way, shape or form a burden to us. We're here because we genuinely care and want to help people feel less alone. You deserve to have a place to get things off your chest, so I'm truly happy you found us! 

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 07-10-2022 05:44 PM

This isn't my first psychologist, no. I've seen at least 5-7 over the past 8 or 9-ish years. 
Will check out the article, I kinda already said to my psychologist that I want to change my perception on the things that strike fear within me, but she never really gives me anything to work with.
The whole dungeons and dragons thing isn't really my forte, not really interested in those kinds of games, sorry to disappoint.
I'm glad that you think I'm not a burden, takes a bit of the weight off my chest. Thank you for your consideration.

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 07-10-2022 07:32 PM

Hi @Samm 

 

It's ok that you're not into D & D, it sounds like you were more part of an online gaming community.

 

When you had mentioned previously that your Psych goes more into the process of stuff, is this because you're doing a more CBT-based therapy at the moment?

 

It's really good that you are open to other types of approaches, have you considered joining a support group? I found this just to give you some insight into what options are out there. Some of these support groups are offered online via Zoom, so that's really convenient and might feel a little less daunting than having to physically turn up to a place.

 

I know what you mean about sleeping issues as well! I've been listening to rain sounds and find it works most nights, if you're interested in giving it a go.

 

Do you have anything planned for the weekend? 

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 08-10-2022 02:10 AM

Uh sort of, it's more like I'll tell her what I'm struggling with and then she'll tell me why I'm thinking that way and how to try and deal with it. Kind of like how the brain works if that makes sense.
I'll have a look at the zoom thing thanks. 
As far as weekend goes I'll probably just be on my newly built PC all day (which is what I do everyday.) 
Thanks for the response, Appreciate it.

 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 08-10-2022 02:46 PM

Hi @Samm 

 

Thanks for sharing. What you mentioned about your psychologist is really interesting. Do you find that approach helpful? If not, what would you prefer?

 

Oh I used to play League and Overwatch! That is really cool that you were able to build your own PC. I don't think I am that tech savvy. I hope you have a good weekend playing games! Smiley Happy

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 08-10-2022 04:18 PM

I mean it's kind of 50/50 while it's nice to know what my brain is doing and why it's doing it, it would also be nice to know how to change the way it's doing things... if that makes sense.
Yeah league and overwatch can be very addicting, congrats on being able to stop haha.
Yeah I didn't do much of the building, mainly my brother and I just helped him out. Thanks for the response, Appreciate it.

 
 
 
 
 
Anzelmo
AnzelmoPosted 07-10-2022 06:56 PM

Hey @Samm 

 

Firstly, I also want to say thank you for posting here and being brave enough to share all of that about yourself. 

 

I think the others have said a lot that I would say, but I do want to repeat that you are not a burden. You are not pathetic or a coward.

 

These are the things I think you are:

You're someone who's willing to acknowledge the problems you've been dealing with. You're someone who's determined enough to want to get help. You're someone who's brave enough to share your vulnerabilities with others. You're someone who's kind and really appreciative of the things others do for you.

 

You're only human just like the rest of us! You're trying your best in the circumstances that you're in, you're searching for life purpose and human connection. Something that's a difficult task for sure. 

 

I really hope the forums have so far, been a good place for you to vent, or have a rant, or share things you wouldn't share with others. 

 

Now to change the pace a bit, let's focus on just having a chat. The forums can be a place of support, but also a great way to feel connected to others. Maybe a couple of us on the forums can keep a casual conversation going!

 

Here's some things about me

- I also love games. I've played minecraft, league, cyberpunk, witcher 3, but also other games like stardew valley and it takes two with my girlfriend. I've been really busy lately so I haven't been able to play as much but I do enjoy it when I get the chance. 

- My favourite colour's steel blue

- My favourite food is quesadillas because you can choose and change up what you want to put in it

- My favourite place to be is at the movies. I love films!

- Something I've always wanted to do but haven't gotten to yet is go camping with friends. 

 

Here are some questions I have for you

- What games have you played the most? 

- What's your favourite colour?

- What's your favourite food and why? 

- Where is your favourite place to be and why? 

- What is something you've always wanted to do for fun but haven't yet done? Or a hobby that you've been wanting to try out?

 

I hope you're doing ok today 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 08-10-2022 02:07 AM

Hmmm, games I play the most are Osu!, League, Destiny 2, Overwatch 2, COD BO3, Phasmophobia and Apex Legends.
Favourite colour I don't really have one, but my top 3 are orange, blue and purple.
Favourite food... Probably nachos, super easy to make, not hard to make, and the flavour is phenomenal.
I could'nt tell you my favourite place I've been to queensland when I was about 6 but I dont really have places to be.
As far as hobbies go, I don't really know, I was big on sport up until around year 7 but I put on a bunch of weight due to an eating disorder which took away a lot of the fun because I couldn't keep up with everyone else. I don't really know what I want to do or try... cause of my depression nothing really interests me anymore.
Thanks for the reply and the questions, appreciate it immensely ^^.

 
 
 
 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 07-10-2022 09:18 PM

Hey @Samm 

 

I'm so sorry that you've been going through so much. It must feel quite overwhelming to deal with extreme emotions.

 

I just want to say too that from what I can see in your post and responses to others, you're a kind-hearted person who feels grateful for any support and makes sure to show it and express it. 

 

I can understand that feeling depressed can make it extremely difficult to do even the simplest of things like get out of bed. Something that I've seen that can help, is to write down small goals to complete daily. But go into it with the mindset that, it's ok to not do it or have all of it done because your body needs and wants rest sometimes and that's ok. When you do manage to tick off the small goals, which may get bigger in number in what you achieve for the day over time and practice, you can have a feeling of accomplishment and know that you've done your best to look after yourself. 

 

The goals can be things like getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, eating breakfast, journalling etc.

 

Slowly but surely, it can help you achieve little things, which can then turn into bigger things, and bring you back on the right track. 

 

Don't be hard on yourself 💙 You're doing the absolute best that you can. You're so strong. It's a difficult journey, but please know you have support along the way. You're not alone. 

 

On that note, I'd love to tell you things about me too. Human interaction is so important and I think that everyone needs a friendly chat. Thanks @Anzelmo for starting a conversation!

 

- I'm not a huge gamer but send me some suggestions! I love learning new things and taking up new hobbies.

- My favourite colour is purple

- My favourite food is sushi! I love all types of sushi because it feels fresh, tastes delicious and it doesn't make me feel too groggy after eating it

- My favourite place to be has got to be the beach! I loveee hearing crashing waves and swimming in the ocean. Getting some sun is always great 🌞

- Something I want to do more of, is cooking and baking! I love doing it because it feels kinda therapeutic for me in a way. 

 

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