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1234567890

Fucking hell why can't I just fuck OFF AND TAKE A FUCKING HINT. I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this and it's pathetic.

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: 1234567890

@Bay52VU it's not pathetic. Did you want to explain what's bothering you.
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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: 1234567890

Hey @Bay52VU you sound pretty upset, its okay. What do you have to do? 

Re: 1234567890

What's bothering me is that I'm feeling alone and like there's no one who thinks I'm worth talking to. I feel like I'm being overlooked, not actively intentionally ignored but just like I'm invisible so no one even notices, regardless of what I'm talking about. Or if they do notice I feel like there's something broken inside my head where the "social connections" part of my brain should have been that just makes me a mistake that isn't worth knowing, and like everyone but me could see that it was broken from the beginning except it was so obvious to them that they didn't think they needed to tell me.
The past few nights I've felt like I have no one who its ok to talk to and I know I need to deal with stuff alone but I want to stop crying about being a disconnected freak every damn night. So it it's prretty pathetic really.
____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: 1234567890

hey @Bay52VU it's so hard to reach out when you feel worthless like that and like nobody cares but people definetely do care and as hard as it is we have to keep reaching out to those around us for help and to talk. 

 

How are you today?

Re: 1234567890

See I'm not so sure about that @BazanFan like maybe some people like me just aren't meant to talk to anyone because they have something weirdly wrong with them. I've never been able to form close relationships with people. I have situation-based friends but maintaining real friendships is overwhelming and most verbal conversations feel like a battle of wills or an interogation or something to be guarded about, rather than just talking. Like I'm supposed to be in character as someone else because it's not safe to just be me, but I'm not very good at being this other person. The first psych I saw when I was 17 suggested that I might have aspergers syndrome but didn't actually diagnose anything and tbh I thought she was full of crap because I didn't feel like we connected even the slightest bit. But maybe that's what's wrong with my stupid mind...? I dunno.

Today's been alright thanks. Got home early from work and I'm planning on heading out to play PoGo in a bit now that the sun's going down and it's less hot. How are you?

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: 1234567890

Hey @Bay52VU I definitely know the feeling of not being able to connect with a psych, if your intuition gave you that vibe then I reckon follow it for sure. It's normal to need to try a few different counselors/psych's before you find the right one.

 

Can I ask, what kind of things do you think about when you're engaging with new people?

Just trying to get in your shoes a little more.. Smiley Very Happy

Re: 1234567890

@Bree-RO well after a few sessions that psych acknowledged that they weren't helping, I tried a different one who suggested social anxiety (I never brought up anything from the first psych) but I didn't think he was right about that either until like a year after I'd stopped seeing him (because the only explanations of anxiety I'd ever heard were different to what I'd generally experienced, but I later found someone describing something OTHER than the typical butterflies in stomach/heart racing/trembling/sweating scenario that actually made sense to me). And since then it's been a few years and I haven't seen anyone for more than 1 session so whatevs.

 

It's not just with new people. Talking to people I already know is hard too.

In general: "How do I ask more about this without making it a weird question? No, that question is weird. And now I've started a sentence I don't know how to finish, how can I fix this, I'm sure there's a word for this but I'm only thinking of the wrong word and it's been way too long so I'll just have to say the wrong word but it doesn't fit with the sentence so that's just a jumble of words. Excellent, why don't next time I just start the conversation with my entire arm in my mouth because it would make an equal amount of sense. Why are they asking me about that? I don't have an interesting answer, I can't explain this, it would take too long and it's a boring answer and I don't want to share the specific details that would allow the answer to make sense. And I can't think of an alternate interesting answer, and now silence. Horray. Except now they think I'm boring because I don't have anything good to say, and people are generally weirded out / feel awkward with silence, so even though this suits me just fine I bet they're wishing they were talking to someone else. I wish someone else was here so that person could speak to them and I could just listen and add something when I had something to add rather than being responsible for half the conversation. How can I end this convo without making it worse? Remind me not to get into conversations again plzkthx."

The only difference with a new person is "Aaaand I've already forgotten their name and most of the specific details."

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: 1234567890

Smiley LOL  Remind me not to get into conversations again plzkthx - can so relate to that feeling! @Bay52VU

So it sounds like you're in your head a lot when engaging in conversation, like you are thinking a lot about how you should sound rather than being in the moment with the other person? Is that sort of the feeling or no?

 

It can be a really frustrating thing huh, even extroverts will experience that from time to time depending on the person they're trying to talk to. Is there any time you have felt totally comfortable with someone, and felt you weren't jogging over in your head what kind of questions/things you'd be saying? A mate of mine has similar experiences to yourself in social settings, he told me one night he had great success at realising that people are so concerned with their own projections, that they actually barely noticed how he couldn't get his own words out. For him, whenever he feels his head going a thousand miles a minute, he likes to remind himself that imperfections are completely normal during conversations; I believe this as well, if something odd happens in a convo it's okay - I think we need to be ourselves in order to improve in life and form relationships.

This strategy may not work for you, but I hope it feels a little better to know you're not alone with this challenge. Smiley Happy

Re: 1234567890

@Bay52VU I know those feelings so well - I retreat inside my head so much and i feel so.... unrelateable. Do you get that thing where your brain is yelling at you to stop talking but your mouth just keeps going? either way.. look! you have at least one person you have something in common with ^-^ 

 

My psych told me yesterday that its so hard finding people who can be close friends - people with the same interests, values, goals, etc. It's very rare. It's not your fault, just a thing. 

 

@Bree-RO is so right - most of the time people dont notice you doing things because theyre too caught up in themselves. That, or they think its endearing. I get very self conscious because i word-vomit about things im interested in, but the people close to me think its neat because i show a lot of passion and whatnot. Oftentimes what we see as flaws, others see as good points n___n  

 

How are you going today ?