Anxiety through the roof

I had a terrible sleep and a terrible night. 

I spoke to someone from KH this morning.

I see my counsellor on Tuesday. 

oh i see 😞 sorry to hear last night was hard

how did the chat this morning go if you feel like sharing?

edit: i just saw in another thread that @Bree-RO mentioned an app called Calm. I've just been on the website (https://www.calm.com/) and it looks like it might be helpful with reducing anxiety and improving sleep..

It went okay. I was really exhausted and fell asleep at the start of the conversation. 

I'm so frustrated. I went off at my family today. Why do things blow out of proportion so quickly? :'( I'm so mad at myself and everything. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and angry. 

Hey @mspaceK anxiety is exhausting. It's hard to not let things get to you when you're feeling agitated and it feels worse when we get anxious about being anxious - know what I mean? When anxiety is there, it's there. It's not really possible to push it aside (at least not for very long). I find that when I'm feeling anxious, when I try to accept that this is how I'm feeling (as hard and awful as it seems), I am able feel some level of calmness even if I'm not happy. 

Like redhead asked, has anything helped you get through anxiety before? I'm glad you're seeing your counsellor on Tuesday. Do you know what you want to talk about in your session?

Usually talking to people helps and being around people. It's harder when I'm alone or at work when I have to deal with an issue or panic attack or anxious thoughts that I can't seem to control. 

I'm going to talk about uni and how I've been the past few months and weeks and days because I haven't spoken to this counselor in over a year or more so she doesn't really know what's been happening or why I've suddenly made an appointment. I don't even know why I'm going to see her. 

I think I may be starting to spiral again 😕 at least it feels like it's getting harder to stay on top of things and manage my emotions and keep motivated. Everything feels a little bit of a hassle again. It's getting harder to convince myself to stay positive and motivated. 

:'( I feel angry and tired again. 

Hey @mspaceK

Super sorry to hear about the spiraling, sounds like you're picking up on it early though which is awesome. Why do you feel it's getting harder to stay on top of things? What do you feel is your main obstacle?

I have had some lessons with anger this week myself, it can be a bit of a default emotion and does require a small amount of work to stay on top of. Has anything happened in particular around anger?

I panicked about something so i had a sudden outburst. And for some reason i couldn't control it. 

My main obstacle I think is my self-confidence and self-esteem and having panic attacks which are vausing ne not to sleep very well. 

I feel like it's getting harder because of the intense panic attacks and I guess because there is so much that I am needing to do at the moment. I'm finding it hard to stay on top of everything. And it was a really big shock having it confirmed that I am having panic attacks and I've had 3 really intense ones in the past week. And it's been really overwhelming with constant work issues. And another main issue is having to confront some people about things because I have troubke with confrontation. I close up. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow and I am excited about lots of things. I'm just upset because even with that I am still having negative thoughts sometimes and still wish that I could just give up at times. 

And I'm upset because I know I have trouble with these things because of how I was emotionally abused growing up from my dad and now I'm getting bullied at work and i didn't even notice at first. I just let this person walk all over me. And it feels like it's all my fault. 

I got angry because i didn't want to show my dad how scared I was over what happened today and I was panicking and i didn't want them laughing at me. I just lost control. 

There is a really strong link between anger and the sense of oppression @mspaceK It's funny we see angry people and we get "frightened" per say, because they seem scary, but usually anger is a result of feeling belittled in some way. It is a default emotion for a lot of us, don't be too hard on yourself. I use this really awesome video to help me, would something like this be any good for you?

Thanks for the link. I'm not really sure as I will have a better look at it tomorrow. 

I think I was afraid at getting belittled by my panic reaction so that's why I turned to anger maybe. I think being angry was easier than crying or letting people know that I was scared. 

@mspaceK you're showing an awesome amount of self awareness around where your reactions to the panic you're experiencing right now, at the same time i'm really sorry you're having to go through it.

It's so tough when we've had experiences in the past (especially with those closest to us) that have taught us to think that our emotional reactions are negative or wrong in some way when really feelings aren't good or bad, they are simply what they are. You're doing what you can to seek help and work on how to lessen the panic and as difficult as it might sound right now try not to judge your reactions too harshly. 

What do you think might help to keep the lid down on the panic for now while you wait to have your appointment with your counsellor? 

I'm going to try and focus on the things I'm looking forward to and take rests. And take my medication if I need to. 

I've seriously fudged things now. I don't feel like I deserve to be around at the moment. I hate myself. I've made mistakes and it's all my fault and I'm embarrassed and I hate myself. I don't want to work I don't want to do anything.  I'm just an inconvenience and a screw up. I just ruin things. I don't deserve to be here. Not really. Not when I just screw things up. It's all my fault. 

@mspaceK has something in particular happened? Let us know. Sounds like there's a bit of heaviness going on but this is understandable as you've been going through a lot 

I made a fool of myself and created a big problem for myself amd others. And i almost got an official warning at work and someone has spoken to the manager about me and I'm just a screw up. And it's my fault because I'm an idiot.

Oh @mspaceK I feel you there I have also done very foolish things in my time, gosh it really can feel so overwhelming. You mentioned you almost got an official warning, but didn't is that right? I don't think you are an idiot at all, you are at least very aware of the whole event, would it help to unpack it a bit or not just yet?

I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just pretended everything was fine instead of being a stupid emotional wreck. 

I considered crashing my car and just having an accident. I don't think I'll ever be able to do anything properly. I feel like shit. And i can't get away from any of it. I don't want to breathe right now. I just hate this so much.  It's all my fault. 

@mspaceK Is it just a small thought at the moment or something you want to act on? I hope you know we really want you here, all of us see the value in you.

Sometimes life really throws curve balls our way, and you're not alone on this one quite a few of us have had these sorts of horrible situations at work. Just remember you are young and there's an awesome amount of jobs and decent employers out there, you're learning so much through this horrible experience.

Would you consider giving KHL a call?

A small reckless thought. I don't want to deal with what I have to deal with. I messed up and I feel like I'm not entirely at fault but this other person is making me feel like it is and is saying things to add up that it is and I'm not holding up my responsibilities. I don't want to go to work anymore. And I could lose my job shifts anyway. And people aren't happy and I've caused a mess all because of miscommunication and my stupid anxiety with talking to people. And everything else. I look at myself and see failure. 

@mspaceK it's understandable to feel like this after all that has happened, and it sucks to hear your colleague is trying to manipulate things a little. Fresh eyes could be good, maybe some rest and meditation? No one deserves to feel horrible at work, have you ever had a crack at a pros and cons list around looking for another job? Just a small thought 🙂 You're doing better than you think, will chat to you tomorrow. 

I wish this never happened. I tried to confront this person and either they have manipulated the truth or what they are saying is right and there was miscommunication. Yet I still feel like things they have said and things that have happened are unreasonable and unfair and now I have brought them up and tried to explain my thoughts and feelings and what I need and I've created a problem for them and apparently in doing so I've not stuck with my responsibilities and it's the worst timing. And I'm afraid to lose my job yet it is so stressful and so i want to reduce my shifts and part of me wants to quit all together. I have to see this person face to face again and hear about how the talk with the manager goes. It seems like it's all them them them and everything I said doesn't even matter. It's an inconvenience and a big hassle. I really feel shit about this whole thing.