Blah
I can't even start to describe what's wrong with me. There's nothing left to be said, and even if there were there's no way for me to say it. The only way I can think of to say anything about it - whatever "it" even is - is through a barrage of insults towards myself or to describe what else I feel like I have to do to myself... Which would just get me in trouble here. I know I shouldn't but something's going to give.
I swear someday I'm going to wind up killing myself just because I was just bored and it seemed like something different to do.
Hey @Bay82VU,
I know sometimes we have to joke about stuff because it's too heavy or too much to bear, but no-one here wants to lose you. We're trying hard to take care of everyone. There are people here who have lost loved ones to suicide recently. It's a very raw subject.
If you're having trouble, please ring KHL 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 13 11 44. Can you please undertake to me that you'll reach out for help if you need it?
Kind regards,
blithe
I'm not joking and I'm sorry to anyone who read the post and was upset by it.
I don't need help now or ever. Not about this. It's pointless trying to explain what I mean here or anywhere, since no one gets it even when I try to make myself as clear as I possibly can.
Hi @Bay82VU,
Thanks for replying. Sometimes it can be hard to understand what someone is saying online. But we will always take it seriously when people talk about suicide - always.
You have a community of people here who want to support you, I hope you will continue to reach out to them. You shouldn't have to face things alone.
Take care,
blithe
@Bay82VU You are not defective. You are unique and valuable. Those negative thoughts you are having is your mental illness talking, not who you really are. Remember you can contact a helpline or emergency number if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself. Emergency help
Wednesdays are the only day I do any exercise cause I joined a team thing... which ends up being pretty brutal cause we always lose and I'm crap...
Going to try to do some excercise tomorrow because I've been making excuses all week.
I can't even tell if something is actually self harming though or not. Pretty fucking useless.
Hi @Bay82VU
It's great to hear from you! Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're going.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell if something is self harm or not and you're certainly not the first person to be wondering that. You've probably heard of some of the common types people talk about, but there are in fact many different things that may be classified as self harm. Obviously there our bodies can also be harmed in many other ways that are not classified as self harm. For it to be self harm kind of depends on why you are doing it. If you are intentionally causing harm to your body, inside or out, in any way, that could be classified as self harm. Check out this fact sheet: What is self-harm?
Exercise excuses... aren't we all guilty of that!?! Exercise can be a great and healthy thing to do for our bodies (as long, of course, that we are doing it for the sake of being health and not doing it to excess) and some people find it lifts their mood and helps clear their head.
Keep safe, keep looking after yourself and keep keeping us updated on how you're going! 
I know I've spent too long alone with these thoughts but there's just nowhere to go with them. Maybe they're not even real thoughts - they could just be some sick exaggeration and I'm the only sucker that's falling for it this time. But surely I don't need to resort to this to get my own damn attention.
Hey @Bay82VU,
It can get pretty negative and harmful if you're just stuck in your head with negative thoughts all the time. If there's "nowhere to go with them" check out the tips in Challenging Negative Thinking.
Do you have any other ways that you try to clear your head? Sometimes physical stuff like going to the gym or going for a run can help.
Hope some of those tips help you.
Cheers,
blithe
hey @Bay82VU
sounds like you're going through a really rough patch. i've been through similar times in the past where i've had enough, tried to reach out to a helpline and haven't been able to speak to someone for one reason or another. it can make you feel like "trying" is a waste of time, but remember that saying... "fall down 3 times get up four"? sometimes you just need to give it another shot and hang in there.
i think it's really great you are coming back to the forums when you're not having luck getting through at eheadspace though, because we are all here for you. we all care about each other and can support you until you are able to get on there. or, you could try kidshelpline. i don't know if you've ever tried it before but it might be worth giving a go? if you don't like it you can always just hang up or exit the screen.
what have you done in the past to get you through hard times? do you have any close friends that you could spend time with to take your mind off feeling this way? when i feel bad i listen to music, watch a movie or walk my dogs. sometimes the hardest part is just getting through that first few days... it's like you need to waste that time and keep your mind busy until you start to feel a little bit better. well, that's what its like for me anyway 
4th attempt with eheadspace and still no cigar.
I want to check out. I'm fucking done with this
@Bay82VU wrote:
4th attempt with eheadspace and still no cigar.
I want to check out. I'm fucking done with this
I can appreciate how frustrating this is… all I can tell you is that you're worth it and, once you do get through, it will be worth it, too.
Hey,
You are worth it, you are not useless. And you should't deal with this alone. we are all here to help and support you.
Still hanging in there? We'd all love to see how you're going. You're a champ.
Keep talking to us. We're here for you 🙂
@Bay82VU hope you're doing alright. Exercising is important, and does uplift your mood. Hold you, you are strong. You can make it through . Let us know how you are doing.
@Bay82VU That's a shame you've been having so much trouble getting through. Would you consider trying with another service like Kids Helpline, Lifeline or Beyond Blue until you're able to get through to eHeadspace?
You are not being a pain to anyone by speaking up about what you're feeling. The people at these services are there to listen and they want to do that. You are just as deserving of it as anyone and you are not being a pain to them by reaching out. Having this trouble getting through after trying so many times can perpetuate the feeling you and your problems are not worth anybodies time, but that is not the truth at all, so don't let this challenge you are encountering now stop you from continuing to reach out for the help and support you deserve. You've already done a really courageous thing by posting here on the ReachOut forums, and you can use that courage as you continue trying to get in touch with other services.
Remember also that you are not alone, we here at the forums care about you and want to support you however we can here. Please keep us updated with how you go.
I've tried getting on to eheadspace but they were busy both times. Probably for the best since I wouldn't have had anything to talk about. I appreciate the replies but I'm not worth it.
