Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Grieving four years later

Hey Everyone,


To share a brief of my story, I lost my best friend/boyfriend to brain cancer at the age of 14. The last maybe six months has been pretty hard because I have been on a journey of self discovery and asked my mum a lot of questions as I don't recall most of my teenage years due to mental illness.


Anyway, it has been 4 years since I lost him and feel like it has only just hit me like a hurricane now. I know we can experience grief at different stages but four years later is a bit much? Has anyone else experienced this? It is frustrating because I have not self harmed in about three years but have in the past few weeks to deal with the confusion.



Thanks for your time. 

Re: Grieving four years later

Hey @Ali818 

I'm sorry for your loss, I cant even imagine how difficult it was to lose your bf. It is amazing that you have been on a journey of self-discovery and even though it has been hard, its a great step forward to become more self-aware. 


I think losing someone always stays with you and it is different for different people and overtime you learn how to deal with it and manage how you feel but the pain of losing someone will always be there. I lost a very good family friend a few years ago maybe 4-5yrs ago and to this day I cant think about him without getting teary because even though I can move on and live my life, his death just broke my heart. 


Its great that you went three years without self-harming and even though it is frustrating for you, you can also look at it as you have stopped once before, you can do it again. I think its normal to deal with confusion the best way you know how, have you thought about going to see a grief counsellor and find some ways to move past this? 


Take care of yourself 

**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Grieving four years later

Hi Ali818

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think it matters how long ago a loss occurred it can still affect us when new issues arise in our life. Infant, there is no exact schedule about grief. Particularly as everyone can go through the stages at different times and in different ways. This can also happen because people repress the pain they are experiencing at the time and delay dealing with it. As you've been going through some self discovery at the moment (which I hope is going well) it makes sense that the issue would be rising now. With that in mind it seems normal that you would be feeling pain now a few years later.

As for self harm, I can understand that could be one current way to help with coping with the loss. Therefore I also suggest you talk to a counsellor to develop other strategies and process the loss.

I definitely don't think you are the only one to experience grief years later.

Best wishes.

Re: Grieving four years later

Hey @Ali818 


Grief can be so unpredictable. It can hit you like a truck, seemingly out of nowhere, at a time when you feel like you should be 'over it'. It doesn't seem to adhere to rules. This factsheet gives some great info about grief.

I think the most important thing with grief is to get support when you're going through it. Do you have someone you can talk to about this kind of stuff? Lifeline can provide grief counselling, as do a number of other services. 

Re: Grieving four years later

Hey Ali818,


Just want to reiterate that you are not alone! I have a friend who experienced three deaths in two years. The first two she mourned over when they happen and she seemed to have gotten through it but then less than a year later her grandfather died. The unusual thing was, instead of this completely knocking her out she hardly seemed upset at all. She told me later that she didn't let herself accept or even think about her grandfather dying, because she didn't think she would be able to take it. So now she is waiting for it to all come out one day in the future.


When I heard her tell me what she was thinking it really worried me, becauseit is not healthy to bottle up your grief. So for me, hearing your story is really reassuring because even though you are going through a really rough time at the moment, you are starting to get yourself through it. Bottling up your emotions would be a negative step.


So let your grief come and experience it fully because it needs to happen. Take every day as it comes and I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you are doing a very healthy and natural thing.


Hope this helps!