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I bring out the worse in myself

I think all my problems started the summer of 2010, when my parents sent me to weight loss camp. I lost weight, but when I got home gained it all back extremely quickly. Since then I've felt like such a failure, not to mention a fat one, For about three years now I've dealt with depression. When I started high school I fell in love with a senior, and would look at pictures of him on the internet. I would stay up at night and cry myself to sleep when I saw a picture of this boy with his girlfriend. I would constantly compare myself to her, saying how a guy would never like me. Then later that year, I went through a terrible relationship with another boy. I fell in love with him. We would go on dates and hang out all the time, but when I finally confronted him whilst holding his hand in the hall about our relationship status he told me that we were the farthest thing from friends. Once again my looks got in the way, and basically ruined our relationship. My sophomore year, I actually went back to my weight loss camp and had a horrible time. I went back to school that year and my grades started to slip. I got a C in my biology class, and it really made me upset and feel worthless. That year I met another boy, who, coincidentally, wouldn't go farther than a friendship with me because of my looks. That summer I was always so sad and gained even more weight. Now, this year, I switched schools hoping to get a new start. That didn't work very well. I didn't know anybody and nobody would really talk to me. I felt so embarrassed to be me, the stupid, fat, new girl, so I switched back to my old school and everything was worse. My sadness grew into a deep dark hole, and turned into depression. I developed an eating disorder, anorexia, and wouldn't eat for days at a time.  I lost a lot of weight but have gained it back. I cry almost every night and I feel so ugly and worthless. I honestly hate myself. I tried self harm but I've never really had the balls to keep doing it. It really scared me the first time because one of my friends noticed. Since then, I've gotten in numerous fights with my parents. They always end with me being disrespectful and worthless. I've tried to run away once but I didn't get very far. These past few months have been almost numb for me. I've gotten in so many arguments with my parents. I've just felt miserable growing up really and don't know what to do anymore. I see a Councilor but I don't want to tell them about my self harming thoughts because then my parents have to know, and that can't happen. I feel like I bring out the worst in myself, constantly comparing myself to others, and not wanting to be here anymore, I feel like utter shit and don't know what to do anymore. I don't really know what I'm asking for in this but I felt like I just needed to vent and release all of my feelings I've been holding in. Thank you for reading if you did, and know that I'm always going to be here for you no matter how rough it gets. Know that I always love you okay? Because it's true, I do love you. Keep your head high.

Re: I bring out the worse in myself

Hey @Ashtrozarry 

 

Welcome to ReachOut.com. We're here to listen and to support you through this times. First thing's first, please read the community guidelines. In accordance to the guidelines, I've just edited a bit of your post. We'd also like you to know that we're the Australian R.O Smiley Happy You might find more useful information and support that are situated closer to you through ReachOut.com USA. However, if you find the resources on here helpful too, feel free to browse. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing some very difficult times as of late. No worries on venting - we're here to help you out.  Beauty is within the eye of the beholder and as corny as it sounds, what's on the inside is what counts. I can understand how it can be a struggle when you really want to be the best you and you don't feel that you are. People who think that you're "fat and ugly" are definitely not worth your time. You've shown great courage coming and talking to us about what you've been through. If there's something that I can feel from you right now, it's the strength that you have to reach out. 

 

With weight loss, there are healthier ways of doing so without going down a dangerous path and developing an eating disorder. This could be having doing a physical activity you like you doing with a supportive friend or relative, searching up new and healthy recipes to try, as well as having a positive attitude towards the process. If you ever feel that you've hit a roadblock, remind yourself why you're doing it. I think that it shouldn't be about trying to impress someone or to gain someone's approval but rather that you're doing it for yourself. A positive attitude and a bit of trial and error can go a long way. Trying other activities and breaking down the stages on what has and hasn't work for you so far is a great step to take. It shouldn't be something you feel pressured to do, but something you want to do. 

 

Your confidentiality should never be breached when you see a counsellor or a psychologist, unless what you have described to them is still happening, it is of great harm to you or others, or you've committed a crime. Making a visit to your counsellor could be beneficial. It is understandable if you feel cautious about opening up. If you feel unsure about their professional conduct in regards to confidentiality, don't be afraid to ask them questions about it. As for your parents, their fights could be their way of showing their concern for you. It may not be the greatest way to show it, however, it can be upsetting to see a loved one being hurt. Have you tried to sit down with them and talk it out calmly? You could have a proposition that during this chat, no one is allowed to yell, shout, or run away. 

 

Have you spoken to any of your friends about what's been happening? Self-harming is a fatal road to travel. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. But if you think that you can't talk with your friends or family, you can contact Lifeline on 1800 273 8255, Your Life Your Voice on 1800 448 3000, and  Teen Line on 1800 852 8336. You can also check out these fact sheets for tips on alternatives to deliberate self-harmchallenging negative self-talkloving your body image and developing coping strategies

 

Hope this helps and stay strong!

 

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Stay excellent

Re: I bring out the worse in myself

Hey @Ashtrozarry 

 

I hope you feel better after venting and you have been through so much, you are so strong for coming on here and having the courage to share your story with us. You have been through so much and I can definitely relate to feeling like your weight runs your life and it shouldn't. Myvo has given you some great tips and information and people you can speak to if you feel like you are scared to speak to your counsellor at the moment. 

 

I have always been a big girl myself and I think if you let your weight be what defines you then it will always define you but you sound like a caring and wonderful person, that is who you are and that is what people truly want in their lives. I am also trying to lose weight, the healthy way now because I have been a Yo-Yo like you losing and gaining weight and it is so frustrating but being healthy focusing on fitness and doing the right thing for my body has helped me so much. It is a slow process but I feel better about myself. 

 

All I can say is you have to love you, who you are and as you are right now and it wont happen overnight but talking about it and finding coping strategies, I found what helped me appreciate myself was complimenting myself in the mirror everyday and now I look at myself and smile even though I know I have a long way to go. 

 

You are a wonderful person and that means more than weight, I hope you get where you want to be and I hope you love yourself more and more everyday. 

 

Take care of yourself and let us know how you go. Smiley Happy 

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**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: I bring out the worse in myself

Hey @Ashtrozarry - thank you for sharing your story with us. It's awesome that you recognised you needed some kind of help and support and reached out here instead of returning to self harm. If you do want to share these thoughts with your counsellor your parents do not necessarily have to find out. Your therapist is only obliged to intervene if you are threatening or at imminent risk of hurting yourself, so just chatting about the urges and discussing other coping strategies shouldn't fall under that category. If your counsellor does want to tell your parents, maybe you could negotiate some way to do it together so you are included in the conversation and get to explain that this has been the reason behind some of your arguments at home.

If you really don't want to open up to your therapist just yet, you could start by talking to someone at a US-based helpline such as S.A.F.E (800 366 8288) or The Samaritans (617 274 0220).

 

Have you ever heard of the Health at Every Size concept? I'm a huge fan of it, especially being a bigger girl myself and struggling with the same kind of negative feelings towards my weight as you. Basically it advocates loving your body right now for how it is, and appreciating all the cool things it can do - think and learn and love and laugh, rather than just focusing on scale numbers. If you listen to your body when it tells you what it wants to eat and find a form a movement you enjoy (such as dance, swimming or playing basketball) you're on the way to a healthier life, regardless of your shape. It's also a good first step in recognising that your self worth isn't tied to how you look or what teenage boys think of you. There are loads of large people across the world in very happy, loving relationships. People are attracted to many different things, not just body types, and a little confidence goes a long way. You have friends and family who love you just as you are, so know that you are worthy of love and support. Just as you said - keep your head high!

 

 

Re: I bring out the worse in myself

Hey @Ashtrozarry 

 

Welcome to Reach Out!!

I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you for such a long time. It must be very hard for you to have struggled with how you feel about yourself and your looks for so long. You sound like a very sensitive, genuine person with a lot to give others. You have an absolute right to feel ok about yourself. You deserve love and respect from yourself and the people you bring into your life.

Body issues and eating disorders can be a long time struggle. It's important to get as much support as you can. Would you be able to share all your thoughts with your counsellor? Including the self harm stuff? It's very difficult to get the help you need if you're not sharing eveything? 

You've been given a number of links for services and factsheets, and I don't want to overload you, but this is a link for an Australian website that offers a different approach to eating and food. It's called If not Dieting, Then what? You might like it.

 

Let us know how you go. Smiley Happy

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Re: I bring out the worse in myself

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your weight. You've been given a lot of good advice, I hope it's helped you. I also agree that you should call Lifeline, and speak to them about it. I know it can be scary to let your parents know about self-harming thoughts. Parents can support you, and help you get through this rough period. Maybe you can speak to the counselor through Lifeline about it.

Everyone is beautiful, we all have our flaws, nobody has a perfect body. It's a matter of embracing it. Look in the mirror and admire you're beauty, focus on what you like about yourself.

Hope it gets better. Stay Strong. You can make it through.