I don't know anymore

I feel really odd and like I guess in a way it's a good odd but its also making me feel extremely guilty and worthless and the more I reflect and think about things the more uneasy I feel and yeah. I am trying so hard to not think about things too much because I can feel myself crashing again and things getting dark but like idk I am trying but I just feel very strange and not quite sure what's happening right now. It's like I am trying to reflect and look at things from the outside but then if I think about them too much I start to feel and it doesn't end well. It's hard to explain. I am just really disappointed in myself for getting here. I guess a lot of my past has been popping up cause this uni thing I'm doing has been triggering certain memories and then in general some daily things have too and I've been having nightmares again and these weird feelings about things and like all this stuff happened 10+ years ago but it feels like it was just yesterday and it makes me really sad because I don't know where any of that time has gone and I feel like such a piece of shit because I have been living like this for so long. Like feeling so dead inside and lost and confused and worthless and anyway idk I just feel like I have wasted everything and don't deserve to live because my life is a constant waste. I feel like I've derailed so much from who I used to be and I don't know if I will ever be able to get that person back. I just feel so fucking lost. I used to be able to hold down a job, heck I used to work 3 jobs at the same time 7 days and week and now I cannot even do my one simple job I have now. I feel so guilty because they have given me stuff to do from home but I just cant do it. I have nothing left in me. Like I want to do it and I think about doing it but I just cant and then I feel so guilty and anyway. I just cant seem to do any of the things I used to and I was just thinking before about the person I used to be and where I thought I'd be as a person and I guess I've just really failed at life and don't know what the point is anymore. I have no clue what I want from life or where I'm going or if I even care or want to. I just feel very over everything and like such a failure and I just hate myself so much for letting myself get this bad because I don't have a clue where to go from here or how to come back from any of this. I feel like I can't and there's no point. I do try and I am trying but I just feel like I am forever trying and am exhausted. Like when is it okay to stop trying? I just really wish I wasn't this person but I don't know how to change because everytime I try something triggers me again and I end up right back where I started. I'm just over it. This exhaustion is killing me. Not knowing who I am is killing me. And honestly, being alive is killing me. I feel like such a lost cause. I want to be different and I want to be normal but I just don't know how or if it's ever going to be possible!!!