I don't know anymore

Hi @MB95 , I'm sorry that you were feeling numb and disconnected last night. I think it makes a lot of sense that you felt that way - sometimes when I care about something really deeply or I know that a situation is going to bring on really overwhelming feelings, it's like my body shuts everything down instead to protect me from all the big heavy emotions. We can all definitely see that you're grateful for the online community, so don't sweat it. 

How are you feeling this morning? You're definitely welcome to make another post if you're feeling a little less odd now. 

Hi @Portia_RO. Thanks for your message. I don't really know how I am feeling to be honest. Nothing really feels real. I just posted my last post to thank everyone but it doesn't quite feel real? Idk. I just feel really really numb. But like I did get a little teary in some parts while I was writing it so that's good I guess? Idk. I don't feel as dead inside but I actually think I might have preferred that feeling to be honest. I just feel very strange and not quite sure how to go about any of this because it doesn't feel real and like I posted that thing but I feel like it's not the end and that I will be able to talk to my friends tomorrow? But like I know I can't but I cant feel that? Idk. I can't really put any of this into words right now. It's too hard and not making much sense sorry. But thank you for your message and your support. You guys truly are awesome and I am going to miss you all so fucking much. 

Hey @MB95 

Thank you for keeping us updated as to how you are going, your last post was really lovely ❤️ It is really hard saying goodbye, especially to a community of people that you have been a bit part of. Sometimes we cant  out our feelings into words and that is completely okay and a normal part of grief. You have been such a valuable member of the forums ❤️💛 Take good care of yourself today! 🤗

Thanks @Savannah-RO. I am just trying my best to stay busy. I am going to try and play with our puppy for a little bit cause my housemates brought her home today and then I might play some games on here for the last time and then that will be me gone. Thanks for everything ❤

@MB95 Thats so exciting your housemates have a new puppy! Puppies are so full of love and joy so it will hopefully be a good distraction for you for today 🧡 Gosh they are a lot of work though !!

Haha yeah she is. We've had her for a few months now but they took her camping for the weekend so she hasn't been around to annoy me and chew everything lol Its nice to have her home again though cause I like having her around. She's like an annoying little sister that gets into all of my stuff 😂

I'm struggling to feel stuff too 😞 Before I was anxious but now I'm in denial. It doesn't mean we don't care when we're numb just that we can't process what's going on right now... I think the staff would be okay with you doing that but there's no pressure if you can't find the words because we know you care ❤️

I feel like saying goodbye is never easy sometimes we want to cry but can't idk it's really tough

So this is my final goodbye to you @MB95 cause I'm not sure if you'll be able to respond tomorrow? This gives you time to respond? Idk I think I just don't wanna have the last words 😅 Because then I'm not the one being left behind? Lol that's quite selfish of me. Unless you don't wanna have the last words then I'll go for it haha

I don't really know what to say, I guess I've already done the formal goodbye on your goodbye thread. I just wanna say thank you for being my friend and it's been a privelage to have known you. I hope someday we can talk again (maybe on the other forum) but I don't want anyone to feel pressured so I'm going to act as if this is actually goodbye because it might be. Please, please take care of yourself, please stay safe ❤️ I hope you remember RO and us as a reason to stay when times are tough. I know you're so strong and you've got this so I won't worry too much

You're going to be an amazing OT or whatever you decide to be and I know sometimes you have doubts but you are so good at supporting people, I've seen it

I know stuff is still really hard right now, and that's only from what you've shared with us- I feel like there's so much more going on to add to what is already a really horrible place to be in. I have hope that things will get better for you and I really hope you're able to find some supports who will truly listen and accept you (if you do decide you want to reach out to some supports- sorry that's my agenda coming out again, of course it's up to you). You deserve to feel okay, safe, loved, important, worthy, and happy (although it's impossible to be happy all the time of course!). You deserve support

I won't forget you MB95 (unless I get dementia or something haha). I know you say I'll get over it quickly but I don't think that's true. There's always gonna be that pang of sadness when I realise I can't talk to you anymore- when I find a sloth meme or whatever 😛 RO won't be the same without you 😞 I don't think losing someone you care about is ever something we really get over, but it becomes less painful over time, till we can remember the person fondly and miss them without so much sadness/hurt/etc? Of course everyone is different but that's been my experience

Sending you a thousand sloth hugs- that should keep you going for a little while, hey? 😛 🦥 If you need extra, here's a repeat prescription for them (?? okay that's a weird metaphor)

I can't promise things will be okay, but it's gonna be okay, right? I mean life is known for constantly throwing shit at people but where would we be without a little hope? So let's agree to say that things are 'gonna be okay' and we'll try our best with the knowledge that maybe things will get really f**king hard sometimes and it feels like a joke that we said that but that we'll keep fighting because there are people who care about us and there are reasons to stick around- even though these reasons may change with time, I think/hope there will always be something. Because I don't know what a world without MB95 would look like...

Lol I think I'm getting a little melodramatic here I guess cause I like to be melodramatic sometimes but also because I care about you and don't want anything bad to happen 🥺

So... goodbye MB95

.....

Bye ❤️

I don't really know where to start or how to go about this. But I think denial is definitely the right word for all of this @Lost_Space_Explorer5. Idk about you but none of this feels real and maybe that's because I'm not letting myself think it's real? Idk. I am just very lost and confused and wish this wasn't happening but it is and I don't quite know how to deal with it. I tried to do a post and find the words but idk how good it is so I'm sorry if it's shitty and not what you were hoping for. I tried my best but tapping into emotions right now is not easy, nor is it a good idea. 

I get not wanting to have the last words. That makes total sense so if you would like I am happy for this to be our last response. Although happy certainly is NOT the word for it. But you get what I mean yeah? I just want you to be okay and do what is going to help you most with this so if you can't reply and want to leave it here then please do. I will try to make sure I don't respond with any questions or anything to make it easier for you okay? ❤ 

I don't really know how to put any of this into words and I feel like maybe part of you is hoping and thinking I am going to join the other forum? Honestly, part of me was hoping and thinking that too but I just want to be completely honest with you that I really don't know if I can put myself through any of this again. I know you guys said the rules are a bit different over there with aging out and stuff but yeah idk. I just guess this whole process has really not been good for me and I am just really scared of it happening again because I can't lose you both a second time. Idk. I hope that makes sense. I just feel very weird about it all at the moment and I just really don't want you to get your hopes up and then for me to let you down. I also just realised I asked a question up there but it was like a rhetorical question so there is no need to reply okay. But anyway. If I am being completely honest another reason why I'm not sure I can go on another forum is because a) i am so scared that someone will notice me because its more for people my age and what if I know someone there? And b) I would only be going on there to talk to you and Eden and I feel like that is really not fair on either of you because I feel like I am just burdening you both with my problems and yeah anyway. I know you probably won't be happy at me for saying that but it's just how I feel. As hard as this is I think if I just jump onto another forum now then I am going to keep relying on you both for support and not actually helping myself if that makes any sense? Idk. I am somewhat hoping that if I don't go on a forum then I will be forced to reach out to some sort of support because I will literally have no one and we've clearly learnt I cant exactly do this on my own anymore. Idk. We'll see what happens. I am not saying no but I also don't want to say yes and then not be able to show up for you. Things just are not good for me right now and it's not fair on you or Eden that I rely on you for support and I really am sorry that I've let it go on for so long. I think leaving is making me realise that. I really have been too much on here and I'm so sorry. Maybe in a month or so I will try a new forum. Idk. We will see what happens. I just know that I need to try and take responsibility for myself right now because I feel like I am just making things worse for you guys and I don't want to carry that over onto another forum. I hope this is kinda making sense. Every part of me does just want to jump on there so I don't lose you both but I also cant keep being a burden to you guys and I need to try and do some of this on my own so yeah. I hope you can understand. I promise though that if I do go on there that you will be able to find me easily. I don't know what your user name is obviously but just keep an eye out for a mumma sloth swinging round the threads.. particularly Eden's and I'm sure we'll find eachother lol Hint hint! Anyway I just wanted to try and explain some of why I am scared to go on there right now. I really hope that's okay and I haven't upset you. 😔

Please don't get dementia! Lol I have seen quite a lot of that on my uni thing recently and it SUCKS!! I will NEVER forget you!! Even if I get dementia and try i won't be able to because there's gonna be sloth wallpapers, picture frames and mugs all around the old mumma sloths home 😂😂😂 No but seriously. I am going to print off your beautiful drawings and stick them in this book of 'reasons to live' that i have been thinking of making to help me when I'm not good and I feel like I am going to need that book more than ever right now so I better start making them damn thing hey?! 😂 

Thank you for being you and being the one person on this goddam earth that just gets me and can relate!! I have loved being able to share cringy attachment stories with you and not feel judged. OMG okay, ya want a little parting story to make you laugh? My supervisor wrote me some random fucking to do lists that I found just before amongst my shit and I cannot bring myself to throw them out because I feel like it's all I have left of her 😂😂😂 How fucking pathetic is that?! But like seriously. Anyone tries to throw them out and I'll punch them ahahaha I also remember when she gave them to me last week just thinking about our conversation and that I was going to struggle throwing them away ahahahaah Okay I hope that made you laugh. Just writing it out makes me feel like such a freak. It's a goddam piece of paper with writing on it and not even heartfelt writing for that matter!!! Literally just tells me what I need to get prepared for a handover 😂😂😂 Anywayyyy.. I shall leave you with that. 

Thanks for my repeat prescription, although I do feel like one is not gonna be enough! Lol Man I am gonna miss our chats and randomness. Thanks for always being there and for giving me a reason to fight. I don't quite know how to end this considering I know you probably are not going to respond so this is not much fun and feels well yeah. Anyway. In the least creey way, I have a feeling I am probs gonna be checking out your thread from afar over the next few weeks because a mumma sloth has gotta make sure her baby sloth is okay before she can truly leave. So if you've got any hidden messages for me just pop them there and I may or may not see them. #creepysloth 

No but seriously. Thanks for everything lost. I am going to miss you beyond words but I am so glad its me leaving and not you because it comforts me knowing that you have the whole RO community here for you. Stay safe okay. I will miss you and think of you every day. Thank you so much for the great times and the heartfelt friendship. You're one in a million. Don't ever change. ❤

I completely agree @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - sometimes feeling numb is a way of coping and protecting ourselves when we would otherwise feel too much. 

Saying goodbye is really freaking hard sometimes, but you're completely right - things will be okay, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it might seem right now ❤️

It sucks to hear that you are still feeling numb and dead inside @MB95 . I am sorry that you are feeling sad about moving on from RO, I think it is understandable as you are a big part of our community and the support that you provide others is amazing ❤️. It's good to hear that distractions have been helping manage these thoughts a bit. Do you have any other distracting activities planned for tonight? 

Not really. I think I'm crashing and all out of distractions for today so I'm not sure. 

that sucks @MB95 

i sometimes play mindless games that don't need much attention but are distracting like 2048 while watching netflix

but sometimes even the best distractions aren't enough

honestly, if u need to ring a helpline, just do it. i thought about doing it so many times but was too scared. but i managed to convince myself last week and i did. i was scared, i was actually shaking, but it was worth it just to talk to someone. it doesn't matter if you don't know how to start. i'm sure they've heard everything. and i've always struggled with thinking that i'm not bad enough to ask for help. but you don't have to wait until you're on the verge of giving up to ring them. they say you can ring them about any issues. or if you don't feel like talking, you could try a webchat. it's not the same as a helpline, but if you don't feel like you can talk, which is how i used to feel, i guess it's the next best alternative 💙

Thanks @Akinna. Sometimes I try and use the Web chat things but idk, they usually leave me feeling worse off than when I started. I find RO is the best place for me, I just have to be careful with what I say and remember it's not a helpline and yeah. Idk. I just prefer speaking to people that I know and have some sort of relationship with already rather than a random. But thank you. 💙

it's good you know what works best for u @MB95 💙

I am sorry you are feeling numb that is usually uncomfortable to sit with. perhaps though it is a bit of a protective thing? what have you been up to so far today? 

Yeah maybe it is @Eden1717 idk. Its just annoying me because I can't really feel anything about leaving RO and like I know I'm sad and I don't want to and stuff but I just feel so numb it's like I don't even care anymore? And I don't want you guys to think I won't miss you because I will. So fucking much. But I just cant feel right now or connect to anything and its weird. I have just been trying to sort through all of my stuff today but its not really working. I should have never gutted my room because now I don't have the energy to sort through it all. I just want to pick everything up and throw it in the bin cause I just don't care anymore!! It's too much. What have you been up to today? 

You have such a way with words @Akinna. Seriously, you should write cause you put it all into words so beautifully!! I struggle so much trying to word how I feel but everytime I read something you've said it just makes perfect sense and in such a poetic type of way. You really have a way with words. 'Caught in a battle with no weapons' like seriously. That is so good and so damn relatable!! 

@MB95  I have done literally nothing but sleep all day so nothing interesting lol. i think it is normal to be numb when big changes are hapening often the feelings come later which can be really not fun but it is ok to feel however you are feeling there are no rules for how we are meant to feel in stressful situations. 

Sorry you're going through this@MB95 

unfortonately I relate to a lot of what you've talked about. Feeling dead inside, lost, confused, feeling nothing, disconnected numb. I was just thinking the other day I feel shut down 

I just try to distract myself constantly. Mainly by watching Netflix, I love comedy shows. I'm currently watching the Big Bang theory. It's so hard to push myself to do stuff like tafe and work. But when I can do it, it's a distraction. And yeah lots of suicidal thoughts that often seem logical. But I remember the reasons I've come up with why I can't act on them, like hurting my family. And if I think of an attempt working, it actually makes me feel kinda sad. Which reminds me I don't want to die. I just want to escape this pain and illness and awful situation.

try not to beat yourself up for not being able to do as much as you used to. It sometimes takes so much strength to survive each day and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for that. I left high school early because i needed to focus on my mental health. I have a cousin who had to leave work and uni because of her mental health. But you know what the most important part is? We're still here and fighting.

I often think that one of the hardest things I've done is live with a mind that's tried to kill me on a daily basis. Sounds like u might relate to that.

I guess what I'm saying is this is hard and the fact that you are surviving is amazing and it's ok to feel lost and confused because it is extremely confusing and it hurts but the fact that you are surviving shows how strong you are and that you are an amazing person and you deserve help.

you are doing amazing, please look after yourself 💖

Thank you so much for sharing that @Akinna. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry you can relate. I feel like I am in a living hell right now and I'd never wish this upon my worst enemy so I'm sorry you can relate. I'm with you with the distractions. I find that's all that's really working right now, when I can get it to work. I've been trying so hard to sort through all my belongings and throw a heap of stuff out and just tidy up but its not exactly working as I'd hoped but anyway. I am trying my best. I'm physically sick atm too so that's not exactly helping. I really like what you said about 'living with a mind that's tried to kill me on a daily basis'. You're not wrong there, I can definitely relate. Thank you so much for sharing what you have. As much as I would never wish for anyone to feel the way I do, it is also nice to read something that someone else has written that pretty much puts what I feel into words and is so relatable so thank you. I hope you are going okay. ❤

yeah i exactly get what u mean. don't want others to relate to your pain, but at the same time it's good to know you're not alone.

before my mental health issues started i had ongoing physical health issues that i now think are definitely interconnected to my mental health. so i feel sorry for you because it's just another thing to deal with.

totally understand feeling like you're living in hell. sometimes it feels like im trapped in hell. caught in a battle with no weapons.

Look after yourself 💕