I don't know anymore
I feel really odd and like I guess in a way it's a good odd but its also making me feel extremely guilty and worthless and the more I reflect and think about things the more uneasy I feel and yeah. I am trying so hard to not think about things too much because I can feel myself crashing again and things getting dark but like idk I am trying but I just feel very strange and not quite sure what's happening right now. It's like I am trying to reflect and look at things from the outside but then if I think about them too much I start to feel and it doesn't end well. It's hard to explain. I am just really disappointed in myself for getting here. I guess a lot of my past has been popping up cause this uni thing I'm doing has been triggering certain memories and then in general some daily things have too and I've been having nightmares again and these weird feelings about things and like all this stuff happened 10+ years ago but it feels like it was just yesterday and it makes me really sad because I don't know where any of that time has gone and I feel like such a piece of shit because I have been living like this for so long. Like feeling so dead inside and lost and confused and worthless and anyway idk I just feel like I have wasted everything and don't deserve to live because my life is a constant waste. I feel like I've derailed so much from who I used to be and I don't know if I will ever be able to get that person back. I just feel so fucking lost. I used to be able to hold down a job, heck I used to work 3 jobs at the same time 7 days and week and now I cannot even do my one simple job I have now. I feel so guilty because they have given me stuff to do from home but I just cant do it. I have nothing left in me. Like I want to do it and I think about doing it but I just cant and then I feel so guilty and anyway. I just cant seem to do any of the things I used to and I was just thinking before about the person I used to be and where I thought I'd be as a person and I guess I've just really failed at life and don't know what the point is anymore. I have no clue what I want from life or where I'm going or if I even care or want to. I just feel very over everything and like such a failure and I just hate myself so much for letting myself get this bad because I don't have a clue where to go from here or how to come back from any of this. I feel like I can't and there's no point. I do try and I am trying but I just feel like I am forever trying and am exhausted. Like when is it okay to stop trying? I just really wish I wasn't this person but I don't know how to change because everytime I try something triggers me again and I end up right back where I started. I'm just over it. This exhaustion is killing me. Not knowing who I am is killing me. And honestly, being alive is killing me. I feel like such a lost cause. I want to be different and I want to be normal but I just don't know how or if it's ever going to be possible!!!
Thanks @Eden1717 💙 I'm glad too. I think she was a bit angry at me at first with her message because I had worried her by not responding for so long but when I replied and we talked she was fine and gave that suggestion so it was nice. Hopefully it will help us out in the future when I am unable to put words together and not okay to let her know I'm at least still alive cause that seemed to be her biggest worry. Maybe if you get hold of your friend you could suggest a similar thing for the future? Idk. I really do hope your friend is okay.
Hey @MB95, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so upset, weird and suicidal. They must be really difficult emotions to sit with. It sounds like things are really intense and confusing for you right now. There is a lot of ambivalence going on and it seems like you are trying your best to make sense of what is happening. I can really hear that the empathetic and caring parts of yourself have been impacted by this recent this loss in your community. Just so you know, I have sent you through an email.
Lol I'm not judging you! It's a strange movie 🤣 though lol! I'm so confused 🤣
I can tell that you just have soooo many things running through your mind. People here accept you and it's possible that the people around you, in person, will accept you for who you are as well.
❤️
I'm glad to hear you rode the emotional wave. It is okay if your concentration is not completely there. I am working at the same time so I might miss stuff as well, lol, hopefully between the both of us/ our brains, we will follow the movie. @MB95
Yeah that's understandable @Eden1717 I am really struggling to focus in it myself because my head isn't really here and in so exhausted so trying not to pass out . I really appreciate you just being here though and I'm really sorry ibhavebt looked at your thread yet. I will try soon I just don't have much in me tonight sorry but I will try . J hope your day has been okay for you 💙
Aw thanks @Maddy-RO this has kind just made my night so thabjyou .I am about 25min in now but am really struggling to follow along with it because ibcanf concentrate very well but I am trying. I was going to start a chat thing in the movie thread but I am toobtired and don't think I'm really up for it tonight so in sorry if I don't make comments and stuff during the movie like lost and I usually do . I really want to cause I actually think its so cool you've joined in cause a mod/staff member never has and I think that's awameskm and wish lost was around to join us too cause I reckon she'd love it so thankyou! I will try but I am exhausted and just trying my best to focus on it cause not much had really gone in yet lol Except that there was some naked dude and pot smoking and this just seems like it's gonna be super carefree and random lol o don't really know what to expect with it!
Thankyou for saying that ❤ I am struggling to accept myself right now so that was just really nice to hear and you guys do make me feel safe to be myself so thankyou . This community is just the best thing to ever exist!!
Thankyou for watching the movie with me.
Our pleasure @MB95 (I know I'm speaking for @Lost_Space_Explorer5 but I know they'd agree haha)
Lmao at your family hearing @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - if it's any consolation my grandma watched it with me 😳 it made me laugh when he said money literally pays for things....awkward.
Sleep sounds like a great idea @MB95 ...I'm not too far behind you. Hopefully, when you wake up in the morning you feel a little better. Thanks for choosing the movie for us. ❤️ Sleep tight!
I love that you watched it with your grandma @Maddy-RO 😂
I was so out of it last night I don't even think I could tell you about the movie at all but thanks for joining me. It was so nice of you to do that and it helped me feel less alone so thank you so much. I really appreciated it. I hope you've had a good day. And thank you again. ❤
Hahaha yeah. If you're having trouble concentrating then, the naked man is sure to catch your attention 😳 ... so far what I've gathered is that the couple have lost their apartment and that jennifer anniston doesnt work and they have joined some sort of hippy group or something. I hope I am on the right track, lol. It is funny so far so I think you have chosen well. 😋
That is completely okay if you aren't feeling up to commenting. You do what works for you. I am happy to just chat here occasionally throughout the night.
Aw @MB95 ...I have chucked on the movie, I am at around 5 mins in. We should try and time it so that we are watching it at similar times. Have you chucked it on yet? I just replied to quickly tell you this and will reply properly to your post soon.
Thats ok there is no rush for any of this stuff and you just do what you need to get through tonight as it has clearly been a very difficult day for you. idk if i will watch the movie my concentration is kind of terrible at the moment and i am struggling to even get through episodes of stuff.
I am sorry you are feeling so alone and hopeless at the moment. goodbyes can be really hard and super upsetting especially when you have issues with healthy attatchments to people. do you think maybe as a thing to think about in the long run that maybe making more irl friends would be a good idea? like just having more long term connections that arent work based or from a treatment provider just people who can love and support you? idk might be a bad idea i am not sure.
the other thing i wanted to ask was do you think taking some time off uni to focus on your mental health might be a good idea? i know you must get sick of people suggesting it but if i remember correctly you had BPD?? i might be wrong anyway if that is the case do you think looking into a good DBT program might be useful? i have done DBT and it has some really good stuff in there to help with relationships and cultivating healthy ones that can last. anyway it is just a thought. if you need to vent more we are here.
also if you are in crisis do try and use the crisis services you are most comfortable with i know it can be scary but sometimes it is just something we have to do for survival.
Hi @MB95 , I am really sorry that you're going through all this. Trauma, work, uni, personal life; you have a lot on your plate. I know you may not see it that way, but you are doing so many things at the moment, that's amazing.
I can't offer any solutions or fixes, but I definitely relate to how you're feeling. The content I study is also really triggering for me, and it forces me to confront my childhood and past. Do you have an academic plan at your uni? I've found that registering my disability/mental illness has allowed me the extra time to not put so much stress on getting things done, and has made it ok to have shitty days.
The job thing I can also relate to, just this past Tuesday I couldn't go to work (or log in virtually, of course) because I was feeling like I was falling apart. It definitely also made me feel incompetent and like a failure 😞
Something that I've found to be helpful to me in these times of doubt is science, funnily enough. I don't study science but in my degree, I examine neuroscience and how the plasticity of the brain means that it is forever changing, forming and reforming. This means that despite our trauma continuing to affect us 10+ years later, there is an opportunity to 'rewire' our thought processes to orientate and cope with stress, triggers and feelings of hopelessness. Neuroscience also sees our development and growth (which doesn't just stop after pueburty but continues throughout our life!) as 'non-linear', meaning that as we change, we may regress or feel like we've 'gone backwards'. That is normal and an essential part of growing.
The brain is a funny thing, and I am really sorry that yours is struggling right now. It is okay to feel this way, and we are all hear to listen.
Thanks @BerdNurd. I saw this yesterday but wasn't in a good place and didn't know how to respond and I'm still not and don't sorry. But I just wanted to make sure I acknowledged your message cause I will be leaving tomorrow but thank you so much for what you said. ❤
I do have an academic plan at my uni although I think it might need to be updated cause I've gone downhill pretty badly and yeah anyway that's something I need to try and sort out but I'm just a bit scared to see them atm cause I'm not going well and anyway its a bit complicated. But thanks for the suggestion. It does help being registered with them so its good.
I'm sorry you couldn't go to work on Tuesday. It is such a defeating feeling. I have barely been able to go at all this year and I just feel like such a failure cause normally I work 2-3 jobs at the same time cause I need to stay busy or else I end up where I am now except now I don't even have the energy or ability to work which is what really sucks. I have been forgetting to show up for shifts because my memory is so bad and then when I do show up nothing makes any sense and anyway I won't bore you with the details lol Let's just say work is almost impossible for me these days and I don't really know why and its so frustrating and makes me feel completely useless!!! One of the therapists I work with actually messaged me just before to check in cause I kinda just fell off the face of the earth with them without realising so I think I am going to meet up with her tomorrow to ask her some stuff. She's been through her own MH journey and is absolutely killing it now and I just want to ask her some questions cause I think I am in desperate need of help and just not sure how to fix any of this anymore. I think she has maybe noticed I'm not in a good place cause it's weird she messaged me. Anyway we will see if I can or not. I'm very unpredictable atm and don't know what's going on with me so just kinda gotta take it as it comes right now. And now I'm rambling but anyway. Just wanted to say thanks for your support and sharing some of your experience and I also like what you said about the science side of things. It does all make sense and yeah its just the emotions side of things and stuff that really doesn't but thank you. I hope you're doing okay. I will check in shortly cause I just realised I haven't followed up to see how the call went. Hope it went well ❤
Good evening@MB95 I love reading your replies 😄 and hearing how you're doing or what you're up to, even if some days are tougher than others.
yes, definitely get in touch with your therapist. They sound really supportive and wonderful reaching out to you like that! Tomorrow is Sunday, are you working? If not you should take a blanket to the park or somewhere outside, I hear the weather will be nice! It's going to be 29 degrees and sunnnyyyy where I am!
Haha I'm glad someone does 🙃 They get really long cause I tend to ramble and I'm sorry, it's a bad habit!!
She's not my therapist lol I don't have one atm, haven't for like 6 months now. She is just someone that I work with who is an OT and sent me a message to check in which was nice and kinda unexpected. I'm not working tomorrow, I haven't worked in god knows how long lol But I stupidly decided to pull my room apart completely today, like there is nothing in it but furniture so I will need to put everything back in it tomorrow that I am not throwing out. I was meant to do it today but I got lazy after I gutted the room lol Not even sure why I did it in the first place and am having slight regrets about it all now 🤦♀️ But that does sound like a nice day. Are you planning to visit a park? I will see how I go.
@MB95 sorry you were struggling so much yesterday i hope today has not been as terrible for you.
I don't know. Everything is just such a mess and even when I try do the right thing I make it worse. I'm just over it. I can't seem to do anything right and have fucked everything up completely now.
Hey @MB95 ,
Sounds like things are quite chaotic at the moment.
Is there anything that has helped to give you your own space of calm amidst all this mess?
Not exactly. Everything is just triggering me right now and I'm trying so hard not to think about it because otherwise well I can't say but yeah doesn't matter I am just trying to clean my room and stay moving right now because anyway I am trying the best I can right now .
I am sorry things are so hard. just do what you have to do to get through dont worry about us you know where to find us if you need.
Thanks guys 💙
I am okay I did something I probably shouldn't have but I feel a little bit better now so its all good. It helped me let out some of what I was feeling in a way so I am safe now and its all good 😊 I don't think there is much anyone can do to help right now. I'm a bit of a lost cause and can't even help myself so not sure anyone else is gonna have any luck but thanks for asking. I am just trying to get some uni stuff done because I have so much I need to get done before Friday and right now there is no way that's gonna happen but anyway. I will probably play some games soon because I think I am going to need to stay distracted when I finish this so if you're around we could play some games? But also don't wait up because I am very unpredictable right now and not exactly sure what's going on with me so yeah. I'm sorry for posting. I am trying so bloody hard not too!!! Thanks for listening though 💙
Hi @MB95 .
Thank you for letting us know that you are safe now. It sounds like you were quite distressed tonight.
Were you able to work through any kind of safety plan to try alternatives?
Is that something you could work on with your pysch so you have a clear safety plan when you are having difficult thoughts or are in distress?
I don't have a psych atm. I haven't had one for months now. But I did try alternatives and nothing worked.
