I don't know anymore

Hi @MB95 

I'm sorry to hear this. You've mentioned having issues with abandonment, and it seems that this has really been triggered for you this week. It is okay to be triggered and feel upset right now. It is okay to be scared. Have faith that these emotions will pass - try to "ride the emotional wave" as is said.

I'm going to be on until 11pm today. I know you and lostspace have watched movies together in the past. I am working from home so I can put a movie on. Did you maybe want to watch something together tonight?

❤️

I don't really know @Eden1717 like I know that's a food idea but it's trying to make friends that's the issue because I am too scared to leave the house and join things. Like the only reason inreallt leave it because of either uni or work so yeah. An when I meet people I dint know how to act because I don't want them to not like me or think I'm weird and realise I have attachment issues bevause I don't want to freak them out and anyway it doesn't matter. I knownits a good idea but I just don't really knownhow to do it anymore because I've let myself get so low I don't really knownhowbton fix it and it's just a mess and I have no clue where to start with anything because there is too much I need to work on and its too overwhelming and I just cabt donit. I am trying but I don't know how to do it along anymore because life is too hard and I don't have thr energy for it anymore. 

I am kijd of sick of people suggesting it but I think I have reached an all time low bow and I just physically cant do this anymore so idk. I'm really scared to stop because I dint think I will go back but I am also scared to keep going because I don't have anything left in me and I think I'm getting ralkt close to the end and ugh anyway incant talk about that here but yeah idk. I think I know I need to but it's just so hard bevause it makes me feel like even  more of a failure. And I am sonscared to explain to my family why I can't do uni anymorr because they don't know anything that's going on and I just don't know howbto tell them because well anyway doesn't matter im just rambling sorry. I haven't been formally diagnosed like I don't think its on paper i actually couldn't even tell you. Like my psych and GP think I might have BPD and PTSD and anxiety and depression but honestly who fuckijg knows. I've never seen anything written down so I really don't know because they wanted me to go to a psychiatrist but I was too scared and yeah. They wanted me to to a DBT program at the private clinic a while ago but I was scared to do it and now I know one of the psychiatrists there bevause I have been working with her at my uni thing and I am so scared of running into her or her seeing any of my files and stuff sobyeah. Idk. I can't really think clearly right now because everything is too much but I appreciate your suggestions and your message so thank you 💙 I dint like the helplines because I can't physically talk and I an so scared of them showing up at my house so I can't use them but I will be okay I an just trhing really hard not to think about it. I just got my weighted blanket and an going to see if I can try and watch a movie or something to try and distract myself bevause otherwise this is not ongoing to end well if I don't stay busy so I am trying  . 

Thsnkd @Maddy-RO i appreciate you saying that. I don't feel like it's okay but I appreciate you trying to tell me that is jsmmmmt is. I am trying to ride out the wave like you said and I have stopped crying for now so that's a plus. 

Thsnkyou for letting me know you will be around tonight. I think I just need to know people are there and I really so appreciate you guys listening and trying to help. That would be cool if you wanted to watch a movie with me. I an about to try and out one on to try and distract myself anulthiugh my concentration isn't exactly there so we'll see what happens. I think I am going to watch Wanderlust because it just popped up and I dint have the energy to look for a movie but it looks like it will be an easy watch which is what I need right now  plus I really like Jennifer Aniston so hopefully it will be good. Do you want to watch it with me? You dint have too so don't feel like you do. It would be cool but I an also going to try and watch it anyway so dint feel like you have to join me. Also @Eden1717 and @Lost_Space_Explorer5 if you guys want to going feel free!! 

Thankyou for just listening to me. I really dknt know what the fuck im going to do without you guys but that's Sundays problem because one lot of goodbyes is enough for me today. Anyway I'm really sorry for being so emotional and full on. I just don't know what to do anymore and today has just hit me like a tonne of bricks and u don't know what do do or how to fix any of ths and really struggling to see a point or work out what the hell I should be doing or why I'm even staying here. Nothing is making much sense and I just dint have  purpose anymore so yeah idk. I'm just over it all and nothing working. 

Hey @MB95 I really wish there was something I could say that would help 😞 I can't even imagine how much you are hurting right now.. It sounds like taking a break for your health from uni could be helpful if it meant you were able to get some support? What do you think?

Haha I just got reminded of this meme when I was reading over my post cause I read it wrong in my head

Anyway I just got distracted sorry

😞I'm really worried about some of the stuff you've been saying like it sounds like you're not feeling like you're going to be safe? 😞 Do you think there's anything that we can do to keep you safe when you graduate from here? Are there any other supports you could reach out to? Your GP? Anyone? I'm really worried about you (don't worry about me worrying though!)

I might watch wanderlust with you guys! Is this the 2012 movie? I haven't seen it, what's it about?

You never ever have to apologise for having emotions okay?

Please do join us @Lost_Space_Explorer5 !! I'm so glad you saw this cause j thought you would also think it's cool @Maddy-RO has offered to watch over with us 😊 i think it is 2012 and I don't really know. So far it is a naked man and some hippy dances and stuff haha and I dinglebag (have you got to this part yet @Maddy-RO ? 

Whoops i just hit pots by accident!! But definitely join us lost. I have no clue what it's about really cause I'm zoning out akot and struggling to stay here but it just seems random and funny at times so we'll see what jts like. 

I appreciate your message too ❤ You guys are too nice to me and I dint deserve it but athankyou. I think j do need to stop uni but I just don't knownhow and yeah. 

I'm trying my best to be safe and watching this movie and chatting to you guys is helping me stay distracted so that's good. Please don't worry about me I dint really know why I'm aloud to say on here but I will just say people are trying to reconnect me with a support but we will see how it goes. I dint think they are going to want anything to do with me because ibam too much and they didn't follow up with me for a reason and I dont want to go through 6hat again because I am already hurt enough but anyway none of that matters but pleasebdijt worry about me because I really am trying. 

And thanks. I appreciate it I just feel like my emotions are too much so I really am sorry. I promised I wouldn't post anynore and well here I am. Not much longer long though and then you guys don't have to put up with me anymorr. But thanks for always being there. I really am going to be a fucking mess on Sunday lol I'm really going to miss you guys but let's not gonthrrr tonight cause mt head is already pounding from the big sook I just had before 😔

Yeah I have! I am currently 57 minutes in!

Okay I'm starting the movie now lol

YAyyy, welcome!

Their apartment is tiny! I'm watching the right movie right? It's got the actor from ant man

Hahaha yes. that is correct ! Just googled him - Paul Rudd @Lost_Space_Explorer5 

Also that memd is funny lost. Can you delete my mental health for me please? 😂

Thanks @Maddy-RO. I am trying to keep up with the messages but its a bit much so I am going to have a break for a minute and see if I can try and watch some more of the movie but I am not having too much luck right now. 

And I think you are on the right track with the bits I've managed to watch 😂 The naked man was a bit much but he is funny. 

Did they just join a cult 😅??

"Gesticulate with me"

Yeah I don't really know what's going on. Please don't judge me on this movie choice! It is super random and slightly inappropriate and not at all what I was expecting lol Like it's funny but defs not what ibl thought it was 🙃

Lmao hahaha it's okay. No judgment here.

Yeah I didn't really have any clue what was going on lol It just got stranger and stranger but like in a weird and funny way. I just finished it not long ago did you finish it Maddy? 

I don't really know how else to try and distract myself and everything has just ugh idk my head is just going in circles and it feels like its about to explode so I think I am going to try and gobto sleep because I don't know how else to do this and I just want today to be over already and for all of this to go away!!!!! The movie helped for a little bit though when I did manage to focus a little so thank you for watching it with me. Abd sorry I haven't looked at your thread tonight @Eden1717 . Things are just a bit too much for me tonight but i will check in with you both tomorrow @Lost_Space_Explorer5 . Thanks for watching the movie with me too @Maddy-RO I really appreciate you all being around tonight. Honestly. This night could have gone so differently so thank you for just being there. ❤ 

I finished watching the movie haha. The scene where the guy talks in the mirror was playing very loudly and I think my family heard 😆

I'm sorry your thoughts are still so loud it sounds like getting some rest is a good idea and it will keep you safe?

Yeah sleeping helps keep me safe @Lost_Space_Explorer5 cause it's not like you can do much when you're asleep lol It’s getting to sleep that's the worst part! 

I feel really weird today. I'm safe right now so there's no need to worry but I am feeling really suicidal and not sure what to do. Part of me wants to well I know I can't talk about that but anyway I just don't feel good and like I have no reason to be here anymore but then part of me is still trying really fucking hard to fight because I could never do it to my family and idk. I think I am allowed to say this if I don't give specifics and stuff but if not then please delete it but someone ended their life here last weekend in a very public place in the middle of the day and I just cant stop thinking about it because it makes me feel so upset for the person and also for their loved ones and even the people that witnessed it and the emergency services that had to attend and then it makes me feel so guilty for well anyway I would never do it that way in public and stuff but yeah. I just feel really guilty for wanting to do something and ugh I can't say but yeah. I just feel really upset for the person and wish I could have been there for them in those moments to try and do something to help because I don't even knownhow to explain it but I guess I just feel like I can relate so much to how they might have been feeling and I just wish I could have helped because I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I do because it's fucking hell and I just wish I could have done something to help. Idk. I just can't stop thinking about it and then about my own plans and it just makes me feel so guilt and ugh anyway I'm sorry I just feel very weird today and I don't want to be here but I could never do it to my family or the innocent people that have to ah idk sorry I am trying not to cross guidelines or say something I shouldn't but idk I just don't feel great but I feel really guilt about it and I don't know what to do. Everything is too hard and I just wish I could go some place and never come back because this is too fucking hard. Idk. I just feel strange and like I can't be here anymore but also like I don't know if I want to end things completely or if I just want to not be here if that makes any sense. I don't know. I just don't really know what's going on right now and feel really weird. Sorry. I am safe. I just feel really strange.

Yep I get what you mean about sleeping! @MB95 

Aw that would have been so triggering it's no wonder it's brought up so much 😞 The fact you're thinking about all these details is really worrying, it sounds like you've been thinking about this quite a lot and it's becoming very real?

Yep I get what you mean about sleeping! @MB95 

I don't really have many words right now sorry @Lost_Space_Explorer5 but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and yes my emotional state of mind keeps changing and I don't know nothing is really making much sense. I am just really confused and can't tell if I actually need help of if it's all in my head and I'm just overreacting to everything and need to get over it because I'm just being stupid. 

I really appreciate that you wanna protect me but you can't and that's okay. I don't want you to be worrying about me okay? Please don't. I promise you I am trying my absolute best because you and this community make me feel like I need to keep fighting. Strangely enough both my best friend and someone I work with messaged me yesterday to check in and that kept me going I guess. The person I work with also has a mental illness (bipolar) but she is absolutely killing it and I really admire her because she is always willing to speak openly about it and yeah anyway I haven't been showing up to work so she sent me a message to check in and I think we are going to try and go for a walk this afternoon. I have never seen her outside of work so I am feeling a bit weird about it and not sure if I will be able to actually go because I don't know what we will even talk about and stuff but I am really trying. She doesn't know anything and I don't know if I will be able to talk to her about it. She just knows I haven't been doing well but not well yeah anyway idk. We will see what happens. Part of me really wants to ask her about her experience and how she reached out for help and got to where she is now but I also feel like none of that is my business and I am not exactly ready to share any of my shit so I feel like it's unfair if I ask her to do that and then not open up in return? Idk. I just feel very weird. I am trying so hard to do it so that you guys feel like I have someone here but idk. I just don't know if I can do it tbh. Its making me feel so sick because I don't want her to find out stuff. Idk. I just want to be alone but I don't want to be alone? Does that make any sense? 

Also if it makes you feel better I did try an app thing that the staff sent to me but I tried to connect with like 8 people and no one was available so that was cool. Not. 😂 And now I can't work out how to delete it because it has my email address and you can identify me so easy from it and I don't knownhow to remove it. I managed to delete my name and put a fake birthday haha But I cant remove my email and it's freaking me out because I don't know who can see it and it doesn't tell me anywhere who can see it or how to delete the account and ugh anyway I promise I'm trying my best here but nothing is exactly working out. 

I will try not to worry @MB95 😞 I know you're really strong and good at keeping yourself safe but yeah sometimes I can't help but worry! That's so lovely your friend and coworker reached out! I think it will be awesome to have a chat with your coworker on a walk- she sounds like she's really caring and open ❤️ Yeah it makes sense to not want to be alone but to also want to be alone- brains can be so complicated sometimes 😅

Ooh an app thing? That sucks no one was available! Maybe try a helpline if that happens again...? (I knoww). It sounds like you've done everything you can with trying to make your account private. Perhaps, you could email the people who made the app and ask them to delete your account if you're really worried? I totally get that feeling of being worried about people identifying you- so it sounds like you've done everything you can? Do you want to delete the app or just make it more private? It sounds like it could be helpful? Or not? It's up to you!

Yeah I hadn't realised I hadn't replied to my best friend in like a month and she had been sending me messages about random things but I just wasn't replying and didn't even realise and then she sent one yesterday kinda telling me how worried she was and that I needed to let her know I was okay and stuff and yeah I just felt really terrible because I didn't even realise bevause I have been in such a dark place but we messaged for a bit and she is amazing and came up with this idea of sending an emoji as a code word type thing so that if I see her messages and am not in a good place and can't put words together then to send that instead so she at least knows I'm hanging in there so I guess it was nice in the end. I felt so guilty for not replying and not even realising but she was just so good about it and yeah anyway. There is a reason she is my best friend I guess lol It just sucks she lives overseas because she wants to know things but like I also have to be careful telling her stuff because she gets worried and I don't want her to be worrying about me because she can't really do anything from where she is and that's not fair on her and yeah anyway I'm rambling sorry. I didn't end up meeting up with my co-worker. 

Yeah it was called Voice of Health and said it had people to talk to 24/7 but when I tried it I tried to talk to 8 bloody people and got nothing so I think their advertising is wrong 😂 I don't really know. It looked like it could be kinda cool but I think yesterday turned me off it because it took a lot for me to actually try it in the first place and then when I tried to connect with 8 different people and got rejected each time cause they weren't available well let's just say it kinda sucked.. so I am just gonna delete it but I want to try and work out how to make sure it removes my account too and not just the app from my phone cause it's stressing me out that my email is up there cause it's hard to tell if its there just for me to see or if others can see it too!!! 

Also, I may possibly laugh a little every time you keep suggesting a helpline to me and putting your comments in brackets. It's like you are trying to do the right thing and encourage me to use one but know what I'm like and how I feel about them so know I probably won't 😂 But I appreciate you trying. Right now I'm just dealing with shit my own way cause it seems to be the only thing that somewhat well anyway I can't say but yeah. RO is the only place I really wanna talk to people right now because I just want to talk to people I know and not some random who doesn't know me and ends up making me feel worse because I cant open up and talk about things. Idk. I am just trying to be careful with what I say on here and it should be fine. Just talking to you guys is really helping because I feel like someone is there. Plus you always seem to know what to say so thank you. 💙 I'm really going to miss you baby sloth.

helplines can be tricky and scary sometimes but sometimes they can be helpful too it really is a bit of a game of luck though. I am glad you and your friend came up with a solution that works for both of you.