I hate not being in control

Hey @Creativegirl12 first up, the post was totes fine, don't stress about that 🙂 It doesn't sound like this Psychiatrist was a very nice person. It definitely doesn't sound like appropriate behaviour for any doctor or threapist. A clinician should not make someone feel bad about themselves or damage their confidence in their abilities. Because of that I'm really dissapointed that anyone would treat someone that way and more so that it was a professional. Did it help you? Did you feel safe to open up and share? Did you feel like they were on your side and helping you to decide what you wanted to learn about and change for yourself? I am guessing the answer is 'no' to all of these questions and that makes me think they were frankly very crap at their job. Nevertheless, i get the impression that these not great feelings about yourself remain and run pretty deep for you. What's worked in helping you challenge them? Do you feel like you can change the way you see yourself? Are you able to see some good stuff too? I know I can see plenty of good stuff and none of the stuff your former Psychiatrist seemed to talk about.

I feel a little stupid for not standing up for myself more. So many times in my life I've let people walk over me. . Unfortunately i didn't feel safe to be open because if my point of view was different then I was wrong. I felt like she was against me, even if she didn't intend to. I felt worse about myself when I came out. I felt like she was trying to control me, and I prefer working with a professional and coming up with solutions together, rather than having them imposed onto me. I felt pressurised to fix myself, I tried to please her, tried to deny it wasn't working, in the end I let it hurt me.  Someone criticises and belittles me, I fall apart. I don't want to feel vulnerable, and I hate feeling vulnerable. I don't know if I should've told her it was bothering me, but then it might have made it worse because she was already feeling victimised. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I just walked away. I'm trying to work on self-talk, and I've been trying to talk to my psychologist about it, but sometimes i still get caught up in the loop of negativity. I know i've come a long way, and i'm making progress. I guess I can't stop second guessing myself at times. I guess what I can do it work on self-talk, and do self-soothing things when I feel worked up.

Okay can I just add to the chorus of people who think this psych sucked, @Creativegirl12? Seriously. So, so awful. I am so sorry you had to go through this and I am so mad at this psych. 

No psych should be taking their issues out on you or making you doubt yourself like this. That is gross, awful behaviour. With all of this happening, it's no wonder you ended up feeling so vulnerable and worn out.

With all that in mind, it is so awesome that now you're working on self-talk, alone and with your psych. You have such good insight and you really do know your stuff, so I'm just going to ask you: How can we best support you right now? What can we do to help you recover?

I'm personally of the school of thought that if you notice something like that, it's worth taking note of and writing down somewhere @Creativegirl12. I mean, who is going to know your body better than you?

Do you reckon it might be worth tracking your symptoms every day for a few weeks to see how the new meds regime is going for you?

More importantly: how are those panic symptoms going?

Hey @Creativegirl12 I'm pretty worried about some of the feelings you're dealing with right now. Feeling awful about yourself is just a terrible place to be living right now. I can imagine it must feel so overwhelming when you're feeling so crap that suicide might even seem logical or reasonable, so I'm really worried about you right now.

I need to ask, first of all, whether you have a plan to end your life? You don't have to tell me any details here on RO, but it's important that I ask, because my number one priority is keeping you safe.

Did you want to talk some more about where you're at right now? I'm right here.

@Creativegirl12 I'm glad you're feeling better. Some of the days it does get like that, doesn't it? Did you take something to help for the migrane? Have you eaten and are you properly hydrated? These things just make it worse so maybe put post-it reminders or something in your room to ground yourself through basic self-care when you're feeling like you're backed up in a corner like that? I'm aware that there's a lot going on for you and that you do like speaking to your psychologist about this stuff. Do you think it might be helpful if we made a list for you of things to bring up with her - so you cover all of these feelings/things youre going through and she can facilitate the therapy using all of these things, which you may otherwise forget about by the time you get to therapy? Call me out if it's silly, but I just thought it might help to get the most out of a good rapport with your psychologist by giving her the whole picture... What do you think? 

@Creativegirl12 it really sucks to be feeling worn out and even more so to feel hopeless, especially with all the pain that you are going through. I'm really glad you are safe for now, but I know that you've been feeling this way for a bit so I need to know if you've made any plans or thought about how you would probably do it?

I'm hearing that you really need a bit of a break from all these heavy feelings because you're feeling tired and overwhelmed. What's triggering all these emotions and stuff from the past - have you been giving it a lot of thought or something that reminded you? Do you think it would help if we talked about self-care or if you just vent (we can try email if you want to vent without having to censor everything)?

@Creativegirl12 when you've been in this situation before and been feeling hopeless, you've talked about suicide. Is that on your mind right now?

Hmmn, that can be really hard to digest especially coming from someone close to you, so I would definitely want to hear what your psychologist thinks about these feelings. But I do want to remind you that people are human, and often our realities and perspectives about situations don't match up. And being the sensitive person you are, you know that you didn't try to hurt them on purpose or intentionally and that's the best you can do! If despite you clarifying that, they're still stuck about being victimised, that's totally on them - although I'm aware that it's a strain on you 😞 

Maybe we can talk about some self-care that you can do to get you through these crappy feelings until you can get in to talk to your psychologist and work through them? 

@Creativegirl12 that's a valid concern, but the fact that you're already aware of the potential of causing people distress by unloading, and are strongly committed to not hurting people tells me that you're actually further along than you give yourself credit for...is there something in particular that's triggered these feelings for you? And when you say you don't want to be emotionally abusive or hurt them, are you alluding to burdening them by venting only or are there other things also? Also, what specific people are you concerned about? Have you explored this with your counsellor, or even be able to bring it up?

@Creativegirl12 It's actually amazing how that kinda stress plays up on our brain/system! I was in the same boat a couple of days ago and generalising it to so many other things, including friends, but as soon as I found my exams done, I found it much easier to step out of that mental headspace! 

#relatable or what? 

I would have to definitely agree with your counsellor. I'm glad you're talking to her and using her as a crutch for when you do need that extra support to get back up b'cause that's what she's there for! But when she's not around, we're happy to be your crutch, so keep us updated, especially if you find yourself backed into a corner and entertaining thoughts of self-blame and are needing an extra hand, okay? 

@Creativegirl12 you show such amazing insight despite the intensity of your pain, I can't stress how glad I am to hear about the positive steps you've actioned to get yourself more appropriate care and focus on recovery and that you feel comfortable with your current psychologist - because that is vital for recovery. And by taking ownership of asking for another professional, you have done the best thing you possibly can.

When somebody does us wrong, whether intentional or not, it can be hard to let go and forgive them, especially if you were vulnerable and trying to reach out! I know you can see that she probably didn't have any intentions to be damaging, but regardless it did happen. On days where it does feel like you are stuck in that cycle which may reminds you of not being treated with the care you deserve, try as hard as you can to focus on the here and now. And the brave steps you've taken towards making the now happen. Have you been working on your breathing and mindfulness? Have you also spoken to your counsellor about how you feel about all this?