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I screw everything up, I hate myself

I can never do things right. I can't reach my goals in life. I can't make people happy, especially my wife. I fall short in pretty much everything I do, so I sell myself short and take jobs to try to stay afloat instead of what I want to do. I took a job to make more money, instead of teaching high school like I wanted to. But I hate my job and the pay is not enough. My wife got sick a few years back, so I took on all responsibilities. I've messed up, crippled our finances, and list the trust of my wife. We lost our home but can barely make rent. We won't have Xmas gifts for the kids this year. I am a huge failure. I just want it all to end but feel like it never will. I have good life insurance and feel my family will be better off without me and can get on course with that money if something were to happen to me. I feel stuck in reverse. I need a miracle. Or just one thing to go right. I want to succeed at something, anything. Financially, with all my debt I can't go back to school for a teaching degree. I can't go further into debt. But I can't keep being a mediocre employee for a huge corporation. My family just tells me to "buck up" "hang in there" "have more faith". They disregard my feelings and always have. I have no one to talk to. My wife is so disappointed in me she rarely talks to me. I fear coming home one day and she'll be gone with the kids. Sorry, I just needed to get all that out and didn't know how else to do it...
Cbear
CbearPosted 03-12-2014 04:34 PM

Comments

 
Student94
Student94Posted 06-12-2014 09:12 PM

Hi @Cbear 

it must feel really disempowering when you think your're not achieving your goals or living up to other people's standards.

You have some really good ambitions for the future, like going into teaching, which already shows you don't fall short in everything. You should recognise how willing you are to make changes for yourself and your family because it's a huge first step 🙂

It can be really frustrating if you're told to "hang in there" when you really want to escape it and know it's not best for you. I think it might help to designate a time to list all your goals, career-wise and those related to your family life. Then work out the steps you need to take to get there, starting from where you are at the moment. You might find the job you have now is a stepping stone to your dream job. Also, it does take a lot of time to reach a single goal so try not to feel like you've failed if you haven't reached it. It might help to let your wife know about your plans too.

 

Let us know how you go @Cbear  😉

 

 
ruenhonx
ruenhonxPosted 04-12-2014 11:31 PM
Hey @Cbear
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this and it must be difficult to not get the support and understanding you need right now. You are not a failure, you are doing your best and trying your hardest and that is all that's important.

I think it is so important to communicate how you feel with your wife so she understands where you are coming from and sees that you need her support too.

I hope you get all the support you need and it is good you are seeking help and continue to stand strong, you will get through it.

Take care
 
KitKat
KitKatPosted 03-12-2014 09:01 PM

Hey @Cbear , welcome to Reach Out! It sounds like you're having an incredibly tough time at the moment and there is so much going on in your life! If all that was happening to me I would be so overwhelmed that I wouldn't even know where to start seeking help so I actually think it's really, really amazing that you've been ableto reach out to us here at reach out! Even though the things you're struggling with at the moment are things that aren't going to be a 'one-day fix', just talking to someone and getting things off your chest can be such a great stress reliever. 

 

It made me really sad to hear your thoughts about your life insurance and the idea that you think your family would be better off without you! Like @ElleBelle I'm not familar with US services! If you feel it might help, you can check out Lifeline (an Australian service) that has some really cool factsheets available about dealing with financial and family issues. It might point you in the right direction on where to look for US-specific help!

 

Reach Out also has a really useful info sheet about goal-setting which you might find helpful! I'm guessing that maybe some of the goals that you have set yourself a really big tasks (like getting out of debt) and sometimes if we only set big goals we can start to feel like we're not able to acomplish anything, since goals like that can take a lot of time and effort. I have to admit, I set big goals as well! My major goal at the moment is to save up enough money for a house deposit so I can have my own home in a couple of years. I get really frustrated when I have to spend large amounts of money on other things, even if they're necessary (like my car service) because I feel like it's just pushing my major goal further and further away. I've found that by setting a big goal, then having a lot of small, sub-goals has really helped me a lot. Maybe I won't be able to reach my main goal for a couple of years, but there are other, smaller things I can do to help me along the way and they give me a real sense of accomplishment. Is there a particular big goal that you have that you could break down into smaller goals that you can accomplish over time ?

 

Lastly I just wanted to add that even though getting presents can be pretty awesome, the best part of Christmas is definitely spending time together with loved ones. That can be a little bit hard to explain to children, but depending on their age it might help to talk together about it as a family about how you could make this Christmas really fun without all the expensive presents. I'm not sure how things are in the US, but I know in Australia we have a lot of charity stores that sell second-hand (and some new) toys that just need a little bit of TLC (like combing a dolls hair or washing the dust off a toy truck) that generally aren't that costly. My grandma always use to pick me up little china knick-knacks from them as presents. It might be worthwhile to check one out if you happen to be nearby!

 
ElleBelle
ElleBellePosted 03-12-2014 09:00 PM

Hey @Cbear - I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through. That's an awful lot of bad luck for one family to experience and I can only imagine how tough it's been for you. Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? Regardless of how bleak things look, your life is worth more to your family than any insurance money. No amount of money could ever make up the loss your family would feel without you. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1800 273 8255.

I wish I could provide you with some further links to support services but I notice you are based in the US (this is the Australian forum) so I don't have much knowledge of organisations that can help over there. Someone over on the US version of ReachOut might be able to point you in the right direction. 

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