It feels like everyone is leaving me (Part 3!)
I had to make a new thread it was too confusing to find the most recent posts after the update :'( and my old thread was a bit of a mess. This is a thread continuing on from parts 1&2 😛 and usually includes me venting about uni, pain, attachment issues, heavy thoughts, and ocd thoughts. And sometimes issues around family or friends. And for some reason sometimes we talk about sloths. Essentially it's one of those threads that we aren't technically encouraged to make because they go on and on and on but I find them helpful because we get to see where we've come from
[Also... I'll generally put a TW if I say anything that's potentially triggering]
Responding to @Taylor-RO from my old thread
Yeah, it is frustrating but more just makes me hopeless 😞 Catching up on uni did not go well, I have an essay due next week that I haven't started 😞 Thanks for the positive vibes 😛
Well hello.. it has been a little while
I have dragged myself back here not to support others like I would want to but to vent into the void. I am currently trying to write the first part of my thesis, which I have an extension for such that it is due next week. I have written 0 out of 3000 words. How does this always happen... Anyway I am trying to finish my research but I have all these thoughts and they just won't stop and I can't read and I get distracted.
I feel so alone but I don't want to talk to anyone. None of my friends like me enough to actually check in I am always the one to check in. Literally I feel like I have been discarded because the person who I was previously really close friends with for years found better people. And I don't blame her because I was selfish and I am always just going to be stuck in the same place and drag people down. I mean what I am writing now is a perfect example of this
I told my psychologist about something bad today. I won't go into it but talking is supposed to help and instead it's made it a thousand times worse. I keep literally flinching at myself sometimes and I'm worried people will see. That probably doesn't make sense but anyway, basically I just keep closing my eyes in horror in response to what is going on in my head at random moments
Also we've been discussing the possibility of me having adhd, but naturally my psychiatrist does not believe me and won't let me try medication because I am already taking too many
I hate my second job but don't have the guts to quit
I am terrible at the job I do like I'm just so slow and literally injured one of my coworkers by accident the other week because I was trying so hard to get stuff done on time
TW (body image + eating)
Also today my psych was all like you've lost weight, you look pale, and I was like yeah I had a stomach bug (like a month ago) and suddenly the stuff I have been doing and thinking for years is concerning (checking my weight a lot, etc). Why is it only concerning now? Like what is that. Like I'm not blaming my psych but I'm more talking about how it's kind of messed up that people seem to only care under certain circumstances about these things
Hi @Lost_Space_Explorer5 thank you for checking in with us, its always so nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that so much is going on at the moment, I can see why you might be a little distracted from your thesis. What topic are you writing your thesis on? What has been your favourite part of your thesis so far?
I'm sorry to hear that you feel alone, though I can understand you not wanting to talk to anyone. Its awful when you feel like your the one making all the effort, sometimes all it takes is a short message to remind us that they still care. I just want to say that we're always here for you and we really are so lucky to have you here with us. I do want to say though, you are not being selfish, nor will you always be stuck in the same position or drag people down. It is not selfish to ask for support from the people around you. You are such a huge part of this community and we know just how much care and compassion you have for others. But I do want to remind you that you deserve that same level of kindness that you give to others, too.
I'm sorry to hear that talking to your psychologist made things so much worse. The fact that you were brave enough to open up and talk to your psychologist in the first place is incredible! You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to talk to them. You mentioned that you keep flinching at yourself and your worried that people will see. That sounds really horrible. While it may not feel like it now, things will get easier. If you ever feel like you would like to talk to someone, there are some really great helplines out there like Kidshelpline and even Lifeline which may help you work through some of these heavy thoughts too.
We're all here for you 💜
Thanks for your reply @Courtney-RO
I'm writing my thesis on gaze aversion and autism- My favourite part was probably at the beginning developing the topic and looking for papers
I've been listening to music I associate with sadness so my anxiety gets replaced by sadness a bit so I can focus better
I feel like I've hit rock bottom lol but I think I feel like this every time
Like a few weeks ago I thought that was rock bottom where I wasn't being exactly safe but I just feel so alone and given up on at the moment, even though I do have support
I feel like making friends on here always ends up in losing them, never knowing what happened to people you cared about, and in that way it's quite sad 😞 But also peer support is really good
I know having to write a thesis is a really overwhelming process, and it's great that you have this thread here to vent your thoughts and to take some time away from academic writing. When I get overwhelmed with work, I find I get distracted too. It might sound counterproductive, but I find taking some time away from writing to go for a walk, or do some meditation can be helpful to refocus. Have you had any luck with writing or reading today?
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel alone and that your friends aren't making an effort to check in with you. That is such a hurtful feeling. We’re here if you want to talk more about this 💙.
You mentioned that it's natural for your psychiatrist to not believe you. I'm sorry this has been your experience. How do you feel about an ADHD diagnosis?
Your paper sounds really interesting! I really enjoy writing the introduction too. I can understand how feeling sadness instead of anxiety might help you focus better, although I can imagine feeling sad writing your paper might be demotivating.
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel you've hit rock bottom. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment at university, work and with your friends. Do you feel safe at the moment?
It is sad not knowing what has happened to people you grew close with on the forums. Although, there are some positives with having friends just in this online space too.
We're here if you want to keep on talking tonight 💜
Heya so I've had a REALLY weird past couple of days and I can't really talk to my friends about it so I'm writing on here
I'm safe just a bit like shaken. Also I'm sorry if this crosses any guidelines, feel free to remove/edit this post.
Okay so this is from my perspective as I experienced what happened instead of looking back in hindsight because it seems so obvious as to why I was feeling so weird now. So basically I'd been feeling more and more anxious over the past couple of days. Worrying that I was dying, that there was something really wrong with me, that I was making this all up in my head for attention. Basically my ocd getting worse and worse until last night my thinking got really weird. It basically ended up with me thinking that I wanted to try to go to another dimension, I did some really really weird stuff (which no one noticed, my family was asleep). I thought there was a chance I had traveled to another dimension (even if it was very improbable) and had raised a cockroach from the dead (????). I got really scared and was half crying half thinking why the hell am I getting so worked up over this. Anyway the next day (today) I was looking for signs that I had traveled to another dimension, not really believing I had but just looking for signs anyway. I became very withdrawn from my family (they didn't notice) and felt like I was going to die or pass out. I talked to my counsellor on webchat tonight and my emotions were all over the place and I started talking about a lot of things, none of them really related. Then I started panicking again and got teary thinking I was dying. It was only then that I remembered I had cut down (at my psychiatrist's approval) on one of the medications that we thought was doing nothing and I didn't really need to be taking anyway. This was after I had spent last night worrying there was something putting thoughts in my head (possibly another me from another dimension), while also being very aware that I was just being 'silly' and that this wasn't real, but I couldn't help being scared, that other me was trying to get me to hurt someone. Anyway it was only after talking to my counsellor and I tried to calm down a bit that I realised oh wait, maybe it was the medication. Huh. I freaking emailed my poor psychologist who is supposed to be going on break about what was happening so I will have to email again tomorrow morning saying, heya, could you maybe just ignore the last email I sent, I think I was having some sort of weird withdrawals. I've emailed my psychiatrist who will hopefully get back to me next week, and have started taking the original dose of meds I was taking in the meantime and now that I've realised hey I'm not dying I am a lot calmer. I really wish I had been told that this might happen... I don't know.. And I hope this was actually the meds and I am not having really weird symptoms. I'm not really sure what this means as I don't know why I would have this reaction, but hopefully my psychiatrist will get back to me. Also I love how good at hiding how 'fine' I am, no one noticed anything different about me, or if they did, they didn't say anything.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this I just don't really have anyone else to tell and it's kind of really scared me and I had honestly thought that this was a reaction to having to cut down sessions with my psych and that I was making this up for attention. I think the whole concept of making things up for attention really needs to be shut down because like I think it leads people to just ignore or hide stuff
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ,
Firstly, I'm glad to hear you're safe. Having read through what you wrote (and thank you for putting the TW), I can 100% understand why you would've felt a bit shaken by what happened. I'm so glad that you were able to have a debrief and reflection with your counsellor. It sounded like in that session, you were able to sort of piece together all the factors that could've exacerbated and impacted what happened in the last couple of days. How did you feel after you started reflecting about how things led up to what happened for you?
It's interesting how hard it can feel to mediate how we feel with logic. We rationalise that what's happening isn't inherently real, but that doesn't stop our feelings from experiencing it as if it was. At the end of the day, how we feel is... how we feel. We don't have as much control over it, just in the same way when we have intrusive thoughts. All we can really do is try focus on our actions and what we do about what's happening for us. It sounds like you reached out for help and it helped make a bit more sense of the situation for you.
Glad you emailed back the psychologist to let them know what was happening for you. It sounds like you're feeling a lot more in control at the moment. I hear what you're saying about wishing you knew this might happen. I suppose how things interplay with us is such a unique process, we can most certainly be surprised by what impacts us in such ways. I hope you hear back from your psychiatrist and you get some reassuring information.
I'm glad you took the time to write your story. It sounds like it's cathartic for you to share and let it out of your system? 100% agree about your comment about the concept of making things up for attention. No one wants to struggle, and feeling like your struggles are dismissed as attention-seeking can feel really disheartening, and you're right, can lead to people ignoring stuff and not talking about things again - and we all know what bottling things up can feel like.
How are you going today? I'm so so so so so glad to hear you're feeling a lot calmer. What an experience to go through.
Hey guys,
I know I haven't been around a lot lately, I'm sorry 😞 It feels like a lot is going on and I'm a bit overwhelmed. At the moment I am super touchy, and cry at the drop of a hat. Literally any sort of criticism or joke hits me the wrong way and I lash out and push people away. I hate being like this. I don't know what's happened because I'm not usually like this.
No need to apologise! We are so happy to hear from you, even if it's been a while. I'm sorry to hear that things are pretty crappy right now. It's so hard to realise that you're pushing people away but to not understand why it's happening. It seems like you're feeling irritable (correct me if I'm wrong) which is really common when you're feeling overwhelmed, distressed or have a lot on your plate. Sometimes it can feel like such a 'small' thing might make you snap but it's really because you're already going through so much.
I am wondering if you'd like to share a bit more about what's been happening? Or would you rather focus on what would be helpful for you right now? We could also play some games if you like 😁
Hey @Taylor-RO it's good to hear from you too. I'm on the verge of panic at the moment. For no reason. I have exams next week. I don't like the degree I'm doing I want to quit but I don't know what else to do. Work is really stressful my boss said some things that led to me crying twice this week. I keep upsetting people.
I also ate too much tonight and feel really sick
I feel like crying all the time I don't know what's wrong. All my relationships are in shambles because I can't keep my s*** together
Oh no, exams are never any fun at all! It must be hard to feel like doing exams if you are feeling unsure about your degree. Ugh, I am sorry that your boss said some things that made you cry. It sounds like you have a lot going on in each area of your life so I can understand how you are feeling overwhelmed. I feel a little bit out of the loop, but have you been able to check any with any of your supports lately?
I know things are really hard right now but I encourage you to do something tonight to be kind to yourself. You might feel as though you are upsetting people or ruining things but you are someone who is struggling to keep on top of things and you deserve some understanding and compassion 💖
If things get worse, please remember that eHeadspace and Lifeline are available to chat 24/7.
Sorry for the late reply @Taylor-RO but thank you ❤️
I am back to seeing my psych as she came back from holidays but the problem is she can only do fortnightly and sometimes only monthly sessions from now on. Which I totally understand. It means I have to make the decision of whether I'm okay with that or whether I want her to refer me to another psych. It's a really difficult decision for me
Work sucks at the moment because my hours have been so cut down due to budget cuts. Apparently they'll pick back up in a month but before they were giving me too many hours 😬 And I don't feel very comfortable asking stuff from my manager cause he never really replies... And like sure I could get in contact with higher ups but whenever I do they never get back to me
I feel really panicky at the moment like I can't breathe properly but writing is helping a bit.
I could always talk to my KHL counsellor in the breaks between therapy but at the moment I cannot do phone calls unless I really have to and even then I put it off. With work stuff I've tried emailing my union but they always try calling me and I can't pick up 😞 (they don't do email replies...)
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 😊
That's really good to hear you're seeing your psych again, but imagine it must be quite frustrating not being able to see them as much as you'd like. I totally get you with phone calls - I'm exactly the same. I get soooo much anxiety about talking on the phone. So you're not alone in that ❤️ Have you tried the webchat or email services Kids Helpline has instead? That might be a good option to try in between your psych appointments.
I'm glad writing out how you're feeling is helping a bit with the panicking - is there anything else that helps when you are having a panic attack? Have you spoken to your psych about this, or is this something you've not had before?
Also wanted to say how great your responses to other community members have been recently, so well thought out and well written. I'm sure the community will be really thankful for your support 😊
Thanks for your reply @Iona-RO I have tried the other non phone options with KHL. I don't really get panicky that often, so it is a bit unusual. But I'm okay now. And thanks, it's good to be back and be able to respond more to people on here now I have a bit more time with work being cut down 🙂
I'm glad to hear your feeling a bit better now. I'm wondering if we should think about some strategies we could have ready for you in case the panicky feels come back again at any point? It's always good to be a bit prepared just in case 😊
Is there anything you already know that helps you feel more calm? How would you feel about writing down 3 things you could do if you feel panicked again? Sometimes when we feel in a panic, it can be really difficult to think cleary and remember what you need to do to support yourself. It can be good idea to write these down in your notes on your phone or in your diary so you have it handy to look back to when you need it 😊
Hey @Iona-RO I try to just ignore it when it happens and it's only a rare thing and I know it'll go away. I try to distract myself or hug something as well.
Does anyone get super intense emotional reactions to rejection? Like today I was going to go for a walk with my dad and brother when they got back from work and then dad said something implying that he didn't want to come when we had just left. And I was like well I don't want to force you and he scoffed so I said quite calmly but firmly that I meant it he and my brother should go home. And they did. The thing is I don't want my dad to feel guilted into spending time with me and if I show any kind of anger or sadness it would be like I was manipulating him or guilting him.
Then I try to be as not passive aggressive as possible and tell my dad to please say no if he doesn't want to hang out because I could have left the house earlier. But that sounds passive aggressive... Sigh
Hey @Iona-RO I try to just ignore it when it happens and it's only a rare thing and I know it'll go away. I try to distract myself or hug something as well.
Does anyone get super intense emotional reactions to rejection? Like today I was going to go for a walk with my dad and brother when they got back from work and then dad said something implying that he didn't want to come when we had just left. And I was like well I don't want to force you and he scoffed so I said quite calmly but firmly that I meant it he and my brother should go home. And they did. The thing is I don't want my dad to feel guilted into spending time with me and if I show any kind of anger or sadness it would be like I was manipulating him or guilting him.
Then I try to be as not passive aggressive as possible and tell my dad to please say no if he doesn't want to hang out because I could have left the house earlier. But that sounds passive aggressive... Sigh
Hey @Iona-RO I try to just ignore it when it happens and it's only a rare thing and I know it'll go away. I try to distract myself or hug something as well.
Does anyone get super intense emotional reactions to rejection? Like today I was going to go for a walk with my dad and brother when they got back from work and then dad said something implying that he didn't want to come when we had just left. And I was like well I don't want to force you and he scoffed so I said quite calmly but firmly that I meant it he and my brother should go home. And they did. The thing is I don't want my dad to feel guilted into spending time with me and if I show any kind of anger or sadness it would be like I was manipulating him or guilting him.
Then I try to be as not passive aggressive as possible and tell my dad to please say no if he doesn't want to hang out because I could have left the house earlier. But that sounds passive aggressive... Sigh
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I'm glad to hear that these panicky feelings are rare, though it still sucks you feel this way. It does sound like you have found a few things that help and I think that's really good to hear. I am just wondering, when you are feeling a bit panicky, do you find it helpful to talk about or do you find that it causes more panic?
Intense emotional reactions to rejection, especially when it comes to family is not uncommon. It can be really hard because we want our family to love and support us through all that life throws at us. So when this doesn't happen, it can cause us to feel rejected and question why. I am sorry to hear that the situation with your brother and dad triggered such awful thoughts. We do appreciate you letting us know that you're safe. I do want to add that you are most definitely wanted. You are such a huge part of this community and we love having you here 💜
Hi @Courtney-RO thanks for your reply. I'm not sure whether talking about panic helps, I think it depends on who I'm talking to. And yeah, I don't know my emotions are so intense like I get so angry sometimes as well to stupid things
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 , I think that makes a lot of sense. When you say it depends who you're talking to, are there any people in particular that you prefer to talk to?
I definitely understand what you mean when it comes to anger - sometimes the smallest things can set me off in a big way. What's that anger like for you?
Thanks @Taylor-RO and sorry I never responded 😞
Hey @Eden1717 🙂 Things have been okay I've just been really busy with work and studying- or avoiding studying... I'm so behind, 2nd extension of the semester wooo (and there's only been 2 assignments)
Here is a life update I guess lol...
(TW- I'm safe)
Things this week have been not so good, but I'm managing. My pain has just been really bad, making me want to crawl into a hole and die. And having to work in freaking retail standing all day and pretending to be fake happy while I'm screaming inside, not fun, not fun at all. I just need a break. Can't really get one though. And I want to say it's not fair I'm too young I haven't lived why do I have to deal with this but life isn't fair and I'm better off than a lot of other people so I can't really complain (note: everyone is valid in their suffering no matter how big or small, but this is what my thoughts are telling me). I feel like I'll never be able to do anything. Anyway, I spoke to my GP, she offered me prescription pain meds and I declined again, cause I worry about what might happen. So I'm going to try and hold out till March when I can see the new new new (...) specialist
Also lmao I got this watch for xmas and it told me I'm unhealthy so I was like greatt and started trying to exercise more and be healthier (note: exercising more doesn't necessarily mean being healthier, talk to your doctor) and I have a feeling that is what triggered my pain to be worse but who knows.
I've been on my own for a bit without therapy cause of the holidays and already I'm going to a darkish place. But it's fine (really I'm fine)
There's more stuff I want to write but honestly it seems kind of boring
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 sorry it has taken so long for me to reply. i am sorry your pain has been bad and that you have been struggling in general. how are you going today?
