It seems pointless
I'm worthless and hopeless. it even seems pointless to make an effort. Why would anyone want to help? Do people really see me as I am? I'm unchanging, I'm stuck here. All that I've tried, I've ended up here on my own. There isn't much left to say.
I can't get close to people. Because if this gives them a reason to leave, I don't want to take the risks. I run towards (I try to socialise) and then away from people (withdraw), depending on how I feel.
So here, I end up lonely.
Comments
We care! You are a valued member of the RO community @Creativegirl12 and we are so glad to have you around
Even when you are going through rough times you are quick to help and support others, it comes naturally to you and the amount of people you have helped by posting what you are going through, you are pretty damn important for that if not all your other qualities 🙂
I guess after being sure of the diagnosis then it might give an insight on what I'm going through, and then treating it. But I'm too scared to give up my feelings when I feel higher, I'm not doing anything too risky yet, despite the temptations, because of religious reasons. But risky things don't seem that dangerous. I want to be high all the time. But I know it sounds crazy, and nobody seems to support the idea of intensifying highs. But I feel creative and invincible and I enjoy it. I'm also productive, despite being sort of distracted, though it would help if I wasn't that distracted, that is a down side, or how sometimes I don't know how to handle racing thoughts. But it feels awesome.
But depression sucks, I'm in depressive phase at the moments I want to turn back time. Things get dark, and I can't even talk to friends and family. They don't know how dark it gets.
Hi @Creativegirl12,
Mood swings are not easy to manage or for other people to necessarily understand. This can make it hard to maintain friendships and relationships. Do you have a way to talk to people about what you're feeling, so you can try to maintain friendships over the highs and lows?
blithe
That is a struggle, but that's associated with the fear of getting close. I guess it will take time, I can sometimes briefly talk about what's going on to some people, but otherwise I'm really private. I'm not going to be close to someone overnight.
I'm also culturally confused, in Western societies, people are more likely to be open with their friends than other cultures. In some cultures secrets are kept in the family. I'm confused about the boundaries, how close is too close. I grew up in Australia, but that doesn't mean my ethnicity doesn't play a role in my life. I'm trying to figure out how I identify myself.
Creativegirl12 wrote:I'm also culturally confused, in Western societies, people are more likely to be open with their friends than other cultures. In some cultures secrets are kept in the family. I'm confused about the boundaries, how close is too close. I grew up in Australia, but that doesn't mean my ethnicity doesn't play a role in my life. I'm trying to figure out how I identify myself.
I've come up against this a few times. My family is very private and secretive about a lot of things, most of all, money. My partner and her family are very open about it. It can be a bit jarring if I spend a lot of time with my family then spend time with my partner's family.
So figuring out where the borders are with others when sharing something of ourselves can be difficult. Personally, if I'm really unsure what's okay, I tend to hint towards it and if they don't bite, I assume we're not "at that stage" yet. Close relationships are built on mutual trust — you give a little, they give a little… back and forth — and it takes time to build that.
I guess I just have to wait and see, my psychiatrist is a little unclear of my diagnosis. She wants to try mood stabiliser, because I may potentially be bipolar. At first she thought I wasn't. I don't understand.
Mood fluctuates, so every day isn't that bad. I just have to hold on, been going to really dark places, I can't give up on it all.
Hey @Creativegirl12
It sounds like the gratitude exercise is working great. The idea is that by actively making ourselves feel gratitude, it does make our problems seem smaller (what you're calling stupid) but instead of feeling guilty try and move that into more gratitude. Having aa problem that can be made smalled through feeling grateful is definitely omething to be grateful for..
Can you come up with a poitive spin on your doctor working out your diagnosis?
Hey @Creativegirl12 - I don't think it's true that you're unchanging. You've been posting on the Turning Negatives Into Positives thread recently - so that's a change! Can you think of three more positives to your situation right now?
My problem is, friends leave, come on, think about it, how many people stay through your life? Even if they don't leave straight away. What if they leave eventually? I can't say I have a friend whom I had since I was a young girl. Then again, I didn't feel close to anyone before like 16. And the first person I got close to, we barely talk now. What if she got sick and tired of me? I'm messed up. I don't even have any remaining friends from school. I know I barely had friends at school. But who's going to stick around? People are temporarily, so I don't see the point of even trying, why try?
Come to reality. People have their friendship group, I'm wondering around, every direction. Who even cares? I'm the least important person.
Hey @Creativegirl12 , life is but a series of moments. Some friendships are fleeting, but some aren't and you never know which ones are going to be a life time long. And even if they are not, memories are the best treasures to collect.
Remember what we talked about with your posts including some action, helpseeking or focus on solution? please remember to inlucde this type of focus in your posts. What's something you are grateful for at the moment?
The very fact that you came on RO to post this just shows that you are hopeful and you are important too. It is terrible that you feel like people dont want to help you, can you tell me what happened for you to feel this way?
Getting close to people requires taking risks and some people will leave but those who care, truly see you will be there when you need them even if its just that one person.
I think we all do that at times, try to socialize and then withdraw, its normal to go through that but its great that you keep trying and making an effort, that takes true strength.
