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MIXED SIGNALS FROM RELATIVES

I have a depressed older sister, she's like 26-28
Today I had an argument with my mom and she took my side
for as long as I could remember I had wished that I would
have had a proper older sister and I felt guilty because I 
know she wouldn't have chosen to have depression if she 
had a choice.
In my past she had been really terrible even abusive

to me when I was a kid and I was stubbornly 
deciding that I hated her.
But this is the first time someones ever taken my side in 
things, she even helped me work out stuff with my mom
in a proper adult discussion way. 
She did stuff that you would expect of an older sister
and I don't know how to feel about that, my older sister
is not good with emotions and feel-y stuff I also don't
think they're a good person at all. But when I got
back from school they had even bought me a new shirt
with anime characters on it because THEY KNOW I LOVE
ANIME. 
IM CONFUSED and don't know how to feel, I know they got
me the shirt to make me feel better about my argument
this morning without having to ask about how I feel
(Which I appreciate because I am bad at communicating)
..but at the same time im hesitant If I can trust
them..If I depend on them and they go back to their ass-hole 
ways...it will crush me.
I know it's too soon to trust someone who used to be abusive to
you..but I've been alone for a long time and this is one of the first
times someones ever been on my side, watching my back. 
I won't trust them, but I wish they would stick to one story
either they hate me or they like me..im tired of playing emotional
games of tug-a-war. 
ADVICE?/THOUGHTS?

Re: MIXED SIGNALS FROM RELATIVES

Hi @YunoGasai,

 

Relationships with siblings, especially sisters can be so so hard. I have two younger sisters, one of them who struggles with depression too. She can be quite verbally abusive to our other sister when she isn't in a good place and its very sad to watch so I really understand what you're going through. It sounds like you had a little bit of a breakthrough when she stood up for you today, is that right? It also sounds like its been really hard in the past between you and your sister. And whilst she's been having a really hard time it sounds like she's been taking it out on you, is that right? 

 

Whilst there is no excuse for abusive behaviour, I guess it is important to remember that she's just a human too who is obviously going through a lot of pain herself. Maybe she is starting to recognise that she hasn't been a very good big sister to you and so she's trying to make it up to you. Have you thought about having a conversation with her about your relationship and the way she treats you? It might be a good way to learn more about each other in hope that you can have a healthier relationship in the future. Let me know what you think Heart

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're upset and confused. I'm here if you need Heart

Re: MIXED SIGNALS FROM RELATIVES

We've had talks many, many, many talks and nothing ever changes, they do take it out on me a lot..they especially did when I was defenceless as a kid (like really bad abuse, especially verbal sometimes physical even), but now I am grown up and an adult. I've thought about it a lot actually for a couple of days... and the reality is I don't need an older sister anymore im 20 years old they were abusive my entire childhood and even a little into my adulthood until I stood up for myself and now they're too late, they have already really messed me up and made an extremely bad impression on me.  In the end they're a bad person because they WANT to be a bad person, we've tried to convince them with therapy in my family, begged them to take their pills but nothing works...maybe they're not so bad these days but ultimately when I need them they will never be there for me. It's easier to be by yourself than it is to keep trusting someone that will ultimately let you down almost every time, that's like waiting for the rain in a desert. She's lost her right as an older sibling because she was never one to begin with I'm going to go out and make my own life eventually and they will probably just have to live with the guilt of what they did to me, please don't judge me I've tried...but I can't try anymore..it's weighing on my mental health. I'm giving up on them..if they want to be cruel and mean..they will just have to do it by themselves alone...because even though my family puts up with a lot of stuff from them I refuse to do the same anymore. I want to live a normal life, full of happiness and happiness to me is being without them. Because I want to put myself first for once because I deserve it. 

Re: MIXED SIGNALS FROM RELATIVES

Hey @YunoGasai, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that behaviour from your sister, for such a long time. It makes perfect sense that you would be wary of her being supportive of you when you haven't experienced that behaviour before.

I do want to acknowledge @seadreamer's point that she might be trying to make up for her past behaviour - however, like you said it's important that you put your mental health and wellbeing first. If it's best for you to not communicate with your sister at this time, then that's perfectly okay.

It might be worth seeing someone about all of the stuff you've been going through, especially if you're still dealing with some confusion - have you thought about talking to a professional about how your sister's behaviour has affected you?