really just can't stand myself
hey guys
um so I'm having a pretty hard night tonight, because I saw some photos of me and I've realised just how big I've become the past few weeks. I've always been big and fat, but I just didn't realise that it's gotten so bad again. I'm definitely the biggest I've ever been before.
All my life I've tried dieting and lifestyle changes and exercise but it just doesn't seem to work. I have no self-control and it makes me feel like complete shit. And i definitely don't want to make excuses for myself, but having hypothyroidism, arthritis and the good old depression and anxiety just doesn't help.
I just don't know what to do. I hate myself so much. I'm so embarrassed. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend, I just want to look good for him, and for myself, and for everyone. I don't know what to do. I hate every single thing about myself 😞
Comments
@gezelligI'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond.
When I first read what you wrote I cried. I cried because some of this is applicable to myself. I'm also a big person and have been overweight pretty much my entire life. I know that depression & anxiety make it sooo hard to be motivated to exercise and eat well and look after yourself, I'm right there with you.
I've learnt over the years that appearance isn't always everything and you don't have to be small to be beautiful. Another user told me to look up Mary Lambert she is a singer and there is a song of hers posted in self-love songs here & this one (which could be triggering, it is confronting, but the overall message is good) Body love (Part 1 & 2). I listened to a few other of her songs and I felt a bit better about myself. There's also a lot of other great songs in the thread which are self-loving in various forms, and it's one of my favourite threads! ❤️
You mentioned having arthritis, I wanted to ask how that impacts exercise for you?
When I first recovered from my injury I started hydrotherapy with my physio. Which is water exercise. I had a program specifically drawn up for me recovering from my injuries. The sessions were in warm water and it was gentle and at times quite fun talking with other people at the pool. I was told by the other people there that the warm water helped relieve their arthritis symptoms in that they were moving and keeping their joints warm. I wonder whether something like that might interest you, or you'd be up to investigating it. Personally when I was going to hydrotherapy often it helped me feel better in myself and about my injury/body. I was of course a complete wreck when I first started and I was so self-conscious, but over time I learnt that the people there weren't judging me and most of them were really nice and open to talking 🙂
The other thing I wanted to mention/ask. I find that when my mental health is low, I am more likely to feel down about my body. Do you find this too?
Firstly, I am so so sorry I made you cry. I really never meant to hurt anyone from reading what I had written. That being said, we definitely sound like very similar people in similar situations based on what you have written. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you so much for the music recommendations, I will definitely check those out.
Hydrotherapy sounds really good! It sounds like a really good way to get some exercise in, in a really good environment. I did used to so a fair bit of swimming, but it affects my arthritis in a weird way that means once I get out of the pool I can't walk on it hahahaha. Maybe that's worth it though!! I'll have to find a local public pool and try again! Unfortunately the arthritis does really affect me when I walk or run too much, so I can't really lose weight that way, so maybe getting back into swimming is a good idea.
Yeah, I'm actually not too sure right now what the connection is with my mental illnesses and how I feel about myself. Tbh, I've felt like this for so long that I can't remember a time I felt any better about it at all.
Than you so much for your response, you're such a good person to give such good, personal advice ❤️
That is okay ❤️ I'm glad what I said has helped you a bit 🙂
Sounds similar with my foot! Before I had my operation 5 weeks on my foot too much walking would kill so I understand that it makes it difficult to loose weight that way.
Were you swimming in cold or warm water? I noticed the couple times I tried to do my hydro(therapy) course in cold water it was painful and coming out was a nightmare I went and had a very hot shower 😛 Might be the temperature of the water?
That is okay to not be sure of the connection with body image and mental health, sometimes it takes time to know and sometimes it's progressive in that you never really stop learning new things about how your mind connects to how you feel about your body. (If that makes sense)
I've only ever had that problem in cold water, so maybe I'll have to find a heated pool to swim in! Unfortunately all the 50m pools in Melbourne seem to be outside and not heated hahahahah
I will also definitely try and keep track of how it all relates to my mental health, thank you ❤️
I've done a quick google search of heated pools in Melbourne and found a few in different suberb names, but not being a Melbs resident, I have no idea where in the city they are lol I hope you can find one you like 🙂
I will definitely have a bit of a google myself xxx
Hey @gezellig I just wanted to touch base on your post, as I think a lot of people will identify with what you're going through. I know I did when I was younger and I'll tell you what @Bee has really hit the nail on the head. Everything changed for me when I started to learn more about the mind body connection and started practicing yoga. It sounds a bit corny but these were really game changers for me AND actually what was really helpful was reading Deepak Chopra's "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul : How to Create a New Self". I found it totally reshaped the way I understood my body and my mind. Before all of this I just felt like they were two very separate entities that were almost at war with each other!
Anyway just know you're both not alone in this struggle, and we are here to listen and support you both 
hey @scared01, it's so nice of you to check in with me!
tbh I'm really struggling with a lot with this issue. I'm trying to make some small changes, but I'm still just feeling so so so bad about myself.
that is ok, i think everyone struggles with this topic including myself
i suggested to another member a while ago that maybe if we cant change our thoughts then maybe we cna change our physical appearance to amke ourselves happy like trying out a new hairstyle, or a hair colour, buying a new outfit or doing the things that do make you feel healthy like exercise each day.
can i ask whats got you feeling bad about yourself though?
haha yeah I think thats kind of the main problem, it just is so hard for me to change my appearance, that's really the essence of what I'm struggling with haha
so your appearance is the thing your struggling with..
ok what are some things you would like to change if you dont mind me asking?
Thats definitely alright @scared01!
I want to change literally everything about myself, but mostly my weight. I am so so so so big and I just can't stand it.
Hey there @gezellig thanks so much for sharing, I think it's really important we speak about this stuff and you're certainly not alone. Firstly, photos are super hard, because they can make things seem a lot worse than they are, for me I know I do not photograph well at all. In saying that, how we feel about ourselves and our weight can have a massive impact on our mental health. You mentioned you have a partner, have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?
I will tag some community member to get their thoughts as well. We have a really good article here too on body image. When you say you hate yourself.. is this purely body image, or is it coming from somewhere else? Here to listen
Hey @Bree-RO, thanks for the reply.
Yeah, I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, and he's always been supportive and tried to encourage me to exercise etc. However, sometimes I just don't think he understands the extent to which I truly hate how I look, and how hard it is for me to do things about it.
When I say I hate myself, at the moment a lot of it is physical. I've always had lots of issues with my mental health, and there are so so many things I hate about myself and who I am, but right now it really is my body that is causing me all these problems. I'm just so so so big and I am sure things would be so much better if I wasn't.
hey @gezellig
sorry you’re dealing with this 😞 but you’re definitely not alone ! i also struggle with my body image as well ! is there anything you do to distract yourself ? im happy to hear your boyfriend is being supportive and yeah sometimes it is hard for other people to understand but at least he’s trying
hey @litgym, thank you for your response. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the situation.
I do find it very hard to distract myself from this sort of thing. It's kind of just always there, sitting on top of me, in everything I do.
I do definitely appreciate my boyfriend though, he really deserves someone so much better than me.
@gezellig it can be hard to distract yourself 😕 is there anything you enjoy doing or any features you like about yourself ? of course your boyfriend deserves you !!! never think he doesn’t
@litgym um ahahha tbh, no, there are no features I like about myself at all ahahha
