Missing sadness/depression and updates on medication
Hey everyone.
It's been a couple of months since I've been on RO. I've been doing okay, I finally got to see a psychiatrist 3 weeks ago and was diagnosed with anxiety. She started me on one medication (an anti-depressant) and the first week was not the best but since then my anxiety has completely gone. It was really cool at first because I managed to make 2 new friends at uni and I was also able to ask someone for directions without feeling like I need to run away. But now I feel like I really miss being sad and I just feel like everything is going too well. I've also managed to find a really good psychologist that my psychiatrist recommended. I've only seen my psych once but I have another session with him on Monday. I didn't feel like taking my meds today so I skipped it. I feel like I'm not supposed to have things so this well for me. I also slept for most of today. I feel exhausted after going to uni 3 days of the week and when Friday comes around (when I don't have uni or work) I just retreat into my bed and sleep for most of the day.
It took me a long time to work up the courage to try medication but now that it's working I kind of miss being my old me. I miss her. I wish that I would be happy that I'm finally getting better and getting the help that I need.
Hope everyone is doing well and staying warm! 🙂
Comments
Heya @justkeepswimming , thank you for reaching out and sharing with us, I hope it has been helpful being able to express how you're feeling without judgement. It's really awesome to hear that you've been noticing the positive effects of your medication, like making some new friends and also asking for directions. That must be such a great feeling!
Missing the sadness that accompanies depression is something I've been through too. It really sucks, when you miss something that you know didn't feel good at the time but for some reason you want to feel it again. And I totally understand that feeling of thinking things can't be going this well for you. It can feel like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to get terrible again. I know I got so used to being depressed that feeling better was so strange, and even now I'm still working on getting out of that mindset. But slowly and surely it is happening!
It's really awesome that you reached out and saw a psychiatrist and now a psychologist to get that extra support you need to leave that mindset. If you're comfortable, I'm sure your psychologist would be happy to talk through your feelings of missing that sadness.
You're doing amazing at working on your recovery. Please remember that it's not a linear process and that it's ok if you do feel like you've gone backwards, you're not alone. Thank you again for sharing, and I hope you're staying cozy!
@fishyie Exactly. I feel like this "happiness" that I'm feeling won't last forever and at least being sad means that I know what will happen (which mostly just consists of me being in bed all day and sleeping all day). Positive change is so scary and strange. Yes I'll definitely talk to my psychologist about missing the sadness tomorrow when I see him. 🙂 Thank you for your reply, you've made me feel a lot better. Hope you're staying warm and dry too. 💜
Thank you for sharing. The points that you raise are very valid. It can be difficult to watch a lot of your life change and you might find yourself missing old parts of your life. This can be confusing and upsetting, especially if you have noticed a lot of positive impacts from therapy/medication. It can add another layer of complexity and difficulty to a situation that is already complex and difficult. You are not alone and plenty of other people have felt similarly too. This can definitely be apart of the healing journey. You said that you wish you were happy about getting better and getting the help that you need - what do you think is the first step to this?
I am sure you already know this but skipping a dose could have unintended consequences, so I would encourage you to discuss this with your psychiatrist first. You also mentioned that you miss the old you and that things aren't supposed to be so well for you. Do you feel comfortable sharing a little bit more about why you feel this way? I would also encourage you to talk about these thoughts with your psychologist when you get the chance, as these thoughts can inform part of your therapy with them 💖
@Taylor-RO Yeah I think that I am confused about all the positive changes that are happening at the moment. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I'm not sure what I need to feel happy about getting better but I'll definitely talk to my psychologist about it since I'm seeing him tomorrow.
Yeah I also know that I shouldn't skip a dose of my medication but that day I was really struggling to get out of bed and I just really needed to be sad. I also feel really bad because I missed another dose today - I woke up too late and had to go straight into work and by then it was too late to take it. I won't see my psychiatrist until a month later but I'll talk to my psychologist since on some days I am struggling to take my medication. I was so on top of my medication for the first 3 weeks though. 🙁 Thank you RO for being here for me. 💜
Hey @justkeepswimming 😊
I'm really glad to hear you're aware about how skipping your medication could potentially be dangerous and that you're going to talk to your psychologist about it 👏 It's so hard to remember to take them sometimes! I've found that adding a reminder on my phone really helps me - I've even set it up so Google says out loud 'Remember to take your meds!' so I don't just mistakenly scroll through the reminder on my phone! Do you think having some kind of reminder would help you too?
I can totally relate to how you're feeling about being happy and missing being sad. When you've become so used to feeling sad, it can actually feel super uncomfortable to be happy right? Partly because it's something you're not used to, maybe partly because you are worried that it might not last and expect something to go wrong? I would like to say that you definitely deserve to be happy. Why do you think you feel like you don't?
Hi @Iona_RO 🙂 Yes I think setting a reminder on my phone would be really helpful. I did talk to my psychologist today though, but it ended up turning into such a big thing. He basically was a bit concerned about me and asked if he could call my psychiatrist and I said yes. Then around 3pm ish I got a "no caller ID" phone call and turns out it was my psychiatrist. She basically said that she wanted to give my mum or my sister a call and she wanted them to remind me to keep taking my meds so I don't forget. She also asked if I could give my meds to someone so that I can be safe. I feel a bit betrayed in a way because I didn't want this to turn into such a big thing but it just sounded like my psychiatrist is really concerned about me but I think that I'm doing okay at the moment.
Yes it's so uncomfortable for me to be happy because I've been anxious and sad for so long. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because I've been struggling for a long time but no one seems to notice. I try to be the friend who supports everyone but I guess that I'm slowly learning that I need to get support from others too.
Hey @justkeepswimming I can imagine it was startling to get a concerned call. It sounds like your psychiatrist cares about you, but I understand why you don't want to make taking medication a big deal. How are you feeling about it all today?
Going from being sad to happy can be an adjustment like any change. Do what you can to help yourself through the discomfort, and in time things will start to feel more normal.
It's such a weird switch from being someone who gives support to receiving, right? It's a vulnerable position, which is tough, but we all have those moments when it's okay to get help from others, as you said.
Hope you've had a good day and look forward to hearing back from you 😊
@Bre-RO My day was alright, I hope you had a good day too. 🙂 It feels awkward having my sister give me my meds for the day. I feel like I can manage my meds by myself okay but I don't think my psychiatrist trust me to be safe at the moment. My psychiatrist has been trying to call my sister but my sister kept on missing her calls because my sister has been at the office working and her phone was on do not disturb mode (which she just found out stops calls from reaching her phone). I just got a call from my psychiatrist tonight because she said that she's called my sister a few times and she can't reach her. But she just wanted me to check that my sister is managing my medication at the moment. She asked what do I think about my sister managing my meds and I just said that it was awkward because I feel like I am doing okay. My psychiatrist just said that she just wants someone to manage my medication for the next 3 weeks until I see her in our next appointment. But yeah that's what has been happening...
I can totally understand that it might feel awkward having your sister give you your meds and then your psychiatrist calling you because your sister couldn't answer her phone. But I think it's good that you've been given a timescale so you can feel a bit more at ease with the situation. And I know it might not feel like it, but it really shows that both your sister and your psychiatrist really care about your wellbeing 😊
What are some things you can do over the next 3 weeks to look after yourself? Are there any activities you like doing that make you feel better?
@Iona_RO Yeah I'm glad that my psychiatrist told me that we can talk about it more when I see her next. I know that my sister and my psychiatrist care about me. I really love rock climbing so I think that I'll go do that next week on days when I don't have uni or work. Thanks RO for being there for me, you guys have helped me a lot with letting me process everything that's been happening. 🙂
