My obsession with control (TW)
Disclaimer: this could be triggering for those with OCD. I don't go into great detail, but wanted to warn people just in case.
For at least the past ten years I have noticed that I have problems with control. I strive to control things to an unhealthy/unreasonable degree. This particularly evident when I developed OCD about five years ago. I carried out certain compulsions (e.g., turning a light switch on/off a certain number of times) because I felt out of control of my life and was convinced by doing things I could gain control over the future. Luckily, through medication and therapy, I overcame much of my disorder (it's still there in the back of my head but I try my best to manage it).
Even so, I find that I still struggle with the desire for control. Today, my mother came around to my apartment and took away my footstool for my couch. It wasn't even mine in the first place - she gave it to me - but I still got so upset that I started crying. The knowledge that she can take things away or stop supporting me financially whenever she wishes really terrifies me. I feel like I can do nothing to stop it if that happens and I hate it.
I have my own car now and drive myself most places; however, whenever my mum drives me anywhere I start feeling really panicky and trapped. It makes me scared knowing I have to go wherever she drives me and can't drive home when I want.
I know I sound really selfish and spoilt, and perhaps that's true, but I can't stop these anxious feelings. I can't stop wanting control over things that are uncontrollable.
In fact, I struggle to tell whether I am being reasonable about wanting to control something or not. Often, I only realise afterwards that I was acting in a way that was inappropriate.
I was wondering if anyone has experienced something similar or has any advice how to identify and stop over-controlling behaviors before they get out of hand? How do you tell if the degree in which you are trying to control something is reasonable/unreasonable?
Thanks in advance xxx
Comments
Hi Jardin, oh my gosh reading your post was like looking into a mirror. I developed OCPD as a result of trauma and also struggle with the obsessive need to control or maintain order over specific things. For me it's schedules and time, being unable to delegate tasks or rely on others and a need to but a lot on my plate constantly in order to feel in control and engaged in my life (job, hobbies, study).
In terms of stopping over controlling behaviours, I've found that communicating to whoever I'm working with can help ease understandings, they usually can then help work with me in delegating tasks or actions. For example with your mum, you could mention that you feel very stressed over her driving and suggest that you drive on the way there and she drive on the way back. Unfortunately as to my knowledge and time in therapy, the only way to overcome or better these compulsions and desires to control is in exposure therapy :") which is so stressful
Hi @BerdNurd I like the driving idea - I think I would drive in my own car though (if the distance is short) because my mum gets really nervous when I drive and doesn't trust me lol.
And yes, exposure therapy is definitely the way to go, even though it's tough. I used and still use this type of therapy to get over my compulsions. The last few times I've been driven by my mum I have felt a bit better, which is also good.
I wish I had your tendency to put a lot on your plate - lately, I've found it hard to get myself motivated to do anything. Hopefully, that will change when lockdown ends!
Hi @Jardin!
I think it can be really difficult to break out of habits and give up some control. I think that it's normal for people to want to feel a sense of control. I personally haven't struggled with OCD, but I know people who have and people who struggle with over-controlling things and find it difficult when things aren't exaxtly as they want them. Like you, a lot of the people I've known also struggle to tell whether they are being appropriate with their expectations of other people.
I just wanted to ask how you were doing today and what kinds of things you have tried to do to cope with these kinds of thoughts.
Hi @WheresMySquishy Thanks for your message!
I'm doing okay today so far. Usually I deal with these thoughts by firstly attempting to spot thoughts that are too extreme or irrational. Then I try to resist the compulsions that follow, even if it makes me feel really anxious. I've gotten pretty good at this, however, I find it a lot harder to quell my desire for control when interacting with others. I think maybe because I have what people call a 'hellicopter parent' I find I am always scared of others controlling me.
Hey @Jardin thanks for sharing this with us. I'm glad you're doing okay today. It's great that you're trying to manage your compulsions, but I'm sorry to hear it's harder with other people involved. I know how you feel about having a helicopter parent - I definitely have one too.
Something that helped for me was having conversations with people I trust about how they make me feel. It helped them to be aware of how they could influence my feelings and to be a bit more considerate. Do you think that might help for you?
Hi @Emily-RO, I think it could help when interacting with my mum, though she doesn't really like talking about mental health. To be honest, I think I would find it hard to have these conversations with anyone else - a lot of my friends don't know I have OCD and I think I would feel too vulnerable talking about my need for control.
Even so, I agree and think it would be helpful to let people know why I'm acting the way I'm acting. If I get more courage to talk about these things IRL, I'll give it a shot.
@Jardin It definitely can be hard being open and feel vulnerable with people. It is important to feel safe when opening up so take your time and always do it at your own pace 💜
@Jardin it sounds like you've done some really hard work to get where you are and I really admire your willingness to take a step back and reflect.
When you're talking about the situation with your mother coming and taking your footstool, it sounds like you might have felt quite powerless - is that right?
I'm wondering if these are feelings you feel with other people as well, or just with her?
If you were to imagine a dear friend going through the same things, would you think they were being reasonable or unreasonable?
Hi @Philippa-RO Thanks for your message!
Yes, I definitely felt powerless in that situation. I think that sense of powerless and my need for control are closely connected.
I have these feelings with other people as well (however, they do tend to be stronger with my family). In fact, I realised yesterday that one of the reasons I dislike hanging out with others is that I feel really out of control. Like suddenly I am unable to make my own decisions and instead have to compromise with the group. I know that sounds incredibly immature, but not having that freedom of choice really stresses me out.
To answer your last question, I think if a friend was going through the same thing, I would understand that their reactions are part of their disorder and can be difficult to control. I would still view their actions as unreasonable, but would acknowledge that with OCD it can be hard to wrestle with unreasonable thoughts/actions.
Hey @Jardin I've replied to your other comment above with something that helped me around other people 😊
I really like how you thought about if a friend was going through the same thing. It's really nice that you're considering how there might be more to their actions and that they might be struggling with something we can't see.
