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New episode of illness (tw)

I have persistent depression. But I also get episodes of major depression.

In other words; I'm always depressed, but sometimes the depression just.... spikes.

 

I think I'm at the start of one of those episodes.

And I'm scared.

It's like staring at the sky watching clouds get closer, not knowing how long the storm will be there or how hard it will hit, but still knowing that it will.  Having no idea if it'll make my shoes muddy or just sweep me away.

 

I don't have as much support as I'd really like going into this (whatever "this" turns out to be).

I've already decided to look into getting treatment at Headspace, but that takes a lot of time and effort.

Getting help is never easy for me. It just always takes so much work, convincing my parents that I need help, finding the place, suggesting a time, convincing the doctors that I need help, correcting their assumptions (there's always one), ect.

That will take months.

I'm already exhausted, losing motivation and energy and hope, hating myself a bit, and already trying to sort out all of the appointments for my physical health.

I need help but don't have the energy to jump through all the hoops.

 

I think I just need someone to talk to.

Idk.. it's hard to think right now... even typing's hard. 

Not even sure if this even makes sense to anyone. Sorry if I wasted your time...

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

Depression spikes are the worst, it can be like knowing that the storm is about to happen, but not having the energy or motivation to go undercover because it's too hard to get to. 

Just by posting here, it really shows that you can motivate yourself to find help even when it's hard Heart 

You haven't wasted anyone's time by finding help because we are here to listen and support you Heart

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

Hi @Tiny_leaf - My name is Bre and I'm a new staff member (it's actually my first day!). I was just going through posts and wanted to introduce myself and respond to you.

 

First off I wanted to say that from reading just one of your posts I can sense that you are somebody who is quite self aware - which is such a huge strength to have. The way you explained one of your episodes really helped me to understand the fear you're feeling at the moment. 

 

I think it's really brave of you to identify what's going on for you and seek support, especially due to how exhausting it can be to put those feelings into words. I'm sorry to hear that getting support hasn't always been the easiest task for you in the past. What kind of help has been useful for you in the past? And how can we best support you to get the help you deserve? Heart

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

Phew... just had a blood test today. It took a lot out of me (literally...), so I'm still recovering from that. I had like 12 vials of blood taken at once...

And then I just received an unrelated letter saying that I'm due for a routine full blood count.

I need to ask my doctor if I'm allowed to keep some of my blood.. Smiley Frustrated anyway.

 

 

@not-an-otter exactly... like I know I need some extra help, but just don't have the energy to get it...

And thank you Heart

 

@Bre-RO hello, I thought I noticed a new "-RO" appear!

Um.. my school psychologist helps, I won't get to see her till Friday though.

For any additional support I think I'll just have to hang on till the episode's over and I have the energy to get help. It's just way too difficult atm I think.

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

@Maddy-RO are you on atm?

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

i tried to look on the headspace website to see how to get help from them and ended up going round in circles learning nothing.

i tried to contact them for help and couldn't.

i tried a khl webchat but someone decided that after hours they need a mobile phone number and verification code, but i've lost my stupid phone somewhere and don't have the energy to search for it.

i had a random burst of energy but apparently mental health services are made to be really hard to access for people who don't have everything perfectly set up and waiting for them

ive now just wasted the small 20 minute period of motivation i had, found nothing, feel shit and have no idea how long it'll take before the exhaustion eases for a few minutes and i get another chance at trying 

everything's made for people who look and feel and think normal and i never fit into that useless mold and because I don't fit everything's just so much harder

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

Hey @Tiny_leaf

How are you feeling at the moment? It sounds like you've been having a really stressful couple of days and I just wanted to check in with you Heart Smiley Happy

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

@Andrea-RO not great honestly...

A lot happened yesterday and I've got an OT appointment today but don't have the energy to go out with her.

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

Hey @Tiny_leaf

I'm really sorry to hear that things are still pretty difficult for you at the moment. Do you ever discuss what to do when you're feeling fatigued before an appointment with your OT? Are there things you do to mentally prepare yourself for the session?

Re: New episode of illness (tw)

@Andrea-RO not really...

I have no idea what to do.

I'll probably just blame it on my leg pain or something.