So what happened.....
So an update
- I got out of the art exhibition, I spoke to the head teacher and am not doing it. I think she is disapointed but I'm not changing my mind.
- The Drama night is not really compulsory, we do have to do the group work BUT we don't have do our monologues which is good because I want nobody to see it but the markers.
- I had the TV launch and it was pretty amazing, I felt appriecated but only for 2 hours....oh well
I'm still not going to Year 12 formal or Graduation Assembly but just not admiting it ever chance I get, if I'm asked I will confess it but nope not doing it. Don't care who wants me to or not...
so that's what's been happening. I'm just really lonely and kinda hate myself :(.............................who knows what will happen next
Comments
hey @MemphisBelle
I'm glad to hear you had such a great experience with the TV launch! I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling lonely and like you hate yourself. I know what you mean about having that kinda transition between an amazing day/night and then returning to a life that you feel is less exciting.
It also sucks to hear that you feel like you don't fit in at school, but i'm sure you already know that you don't have to find your crowd at school. I know that I didn't have many friends at school or even university at first but over time I found people that I really get along with. It's truly awful that your former best friend is saying hateful things like that to you - I can't possibly imagine that being true on any level. Do you still talk to him at all? Noone deserves to be treated that way and I wonder if it might be helpful to create some more distance from him if possible.
I don't have all the answers but i do think there is some good stuff going on for you. For one - you know that your mum is happy for you to stay with her as long as you need so you don't have to worry about the economic burden or stress of finding a place for yourself until you're ready. I didn't get my first proper job until halfway through uni (I was super anxious and couldn't handle it) and now i'm able to handle working while studying just fine, so I definitely don't regret not working all that time.
Secondly, you're confident in your ability to get the grades you need to get into the course you want. Anyone can get a job, but It sounds like you're setting yourself up for a career that you're actually really passionate about, and I honestly think that you might be better able to cope with the anxiety associated with work if you're involved in something that you actually care about. I found this to be the case for myself - once I started working in an entry level admin role in the field i'm passionate about, I found myself so much more relaxed and found it easier to cope with the stress.
Hope this helps a little and that you're feeling a bit better!
My former best friend bullies me randomly, to sum him up he told me "Everyone hates you and want you to die"
@MemphisBelle It sounds like you've had some really positive experiences recently - had a great time at the tv shoot and your mum is happy to support you through uni!
@moonwalk is right, @MemphisBelle, you should do things at school/uni for you and not anyone else. You've obviously found your tribe, your passion, so just keep striving for it! The launch was a great success and you can create that again when you start the acting course.
Noticed you used the word 'former' in your last comment and hope that you have taken some positive action regarding the behaviour. These articles might help you if you haven't yet taken any action.
http://au.reachout.com/conflict-with-friends
The theatre and TV peope might find me okay I'm not sure.
Sorry to hear you didn't get to be a part of the writing process of your class' production, @MemphisBelle. I know how frustrating it can be when your intentions are pure but you're stopped from taking part in something. But don't worry, you'll be able to work on way better productions at uni! Trust me.
As we've talked about before, uni and the "real world" outside of highschool will see you meet so many new people who have the same creativity, interests and passions as you.
I'm so stoked that your TV launch went so well! You deserve the appreciation, and I'm sure it showed a lot of people who may not know you, just how talented you are.
School has been like that ever since last year.That's why I hate it so much. My teachers don't care about me so why am I doing it all?? 😞 Like I've said I'm skipping the formal and graduation assembly and any party the Year group will hold.
I just hope the TV launch goes okay
Whatever you do at school and uni, do for yourself, not the teachers! So if you don't think you're going to enjoy the graduation or formal, don't feel pressured to go.
I bet the TV launch will be awesome! Please keep us posted on how it goes 
Also I'm scared of going homeless, I wont be able to move out and find my own place while at Uni.
I asked my mum if I could live with her whilst I finish studies, she seemed surprised I asked and said that she would never make me leave and I could stay there as long as I need. I don't know why this scares me
Hey @MemphisBelle
Congratulations on the TV triumph! 🙂
I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you talk about being afraid of being homeless. Are you wanting to move out once school's finished? Sounds like your mum is supportive of you staying with her.
blithe
@blithe I won't be able to find my own place at all, I have aniexty working and making money so I have the feeling I'll be living at home for at least the next five years, whilst I'm at university and looking for works and planning the rest of my life.
She is okay with it but I still have nightmares about homelessness.
Maybe because I feel at times I aint worth anything that thought happens. I'm not sure, she keeps telling me "I'm never going to kick you out"
But that's not the real problem just the random thought that happens everyonce in a while.
I will likely be able to acheive the score I need for my uni course but I still feel inadquete. I don't want to do the formal or graduation assembly. I can't think of a single good reason to go
I think you could surprise yourself with what you can do. All those creative pursuits you have may turn into a job that you like that doesn't give you anxiety. 🙂
I challenge you to mention one thing you are planning to do, or dreaming of doing, every time you mention your graduation or your formal. Remind yourself of the good things you want to do, not just the things you don't want to do!
blithe
Great to hear the TV launch was good @MemphisBelle. What made the launch so amazing?
@Kit For the first time in my life. I felt I honsely acheived something. I wasn't exactly the centre of attention but I got a chance to shine and stand out.
I felt like I actually mattered in the world
....but it was only for one night and then back to school which is a bad place and yeah.......
it's just the transition kinda sucked and was noticeable if you know what I mean
@MemphisBelle Go you! That was you that achieved something and you deserve that feeling.
When I'm achieving great things in one part of my life I always find it funny how that doesn't translate in other areas but I recognise that my hobbies are where my tribe is, my hobbies are where I feel really good about my achievements. Is the TV crowd your tribe?
