TW: I can't stop drinking
I've been drinking for several weeks in a row. I hoped it would be controllable but it's not. I can't get through a night without it. I've struggled with an eating disorder for years. I'm weight restored now, and I just can't stand it. I'm not allowed to lose weight or they'll tube me again. And that's just horrible, I hated the feeling of the tube in my stomach. Now that I've lost that coping mechanism, the only way I can forget about it is to drink. I have a best friend and she helps a lot. I know she tries her best but the truth is she's anorexic. And although I try to forget it, it affects me a lot. And that's when the drinking starts all over again. Every night.
Comments
I've tried being nice but can I just be told wtf to do because I'm so incredibly wasted and although I'm used to the feeling by now, I don't want to have to do this anymore, what's the point in living a life filled with just booze? I want desperately just to be okay. The public health system isn't right yet, and so I look for consolation in people. I'm not putting pressure on anyone or anything. I just feel so, so lost and useless.
Hey @idk_what_breaky,
I just wanted to check in with you because it sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time at the moment. Your should be really proud of yourself for being so brave to speak out about what must be such a difficult experience. It must be really difficult to have these thoughts, and I can't imagine how stressful your situation would be with being concerned about your friend's well-being as well.
It's really common that when we stop one negative pattern of behaviour, we can find ourselves drawn to others, which unfortunately might be equally as unhealthy as the one we are trying to let go of. It's really important to remember not to beat yourself up about being drawn to drinking, and to really instead focus on making time and space to be kind to yourself. Both in how you think about yourself, and what you do for yourself.
Being kind in the way you think about yourself can actually be a lot harder of a task than it sounds, and sometimes we all need a some guidance and some support with learning how to gentle to ourselves. Having professional supports, like a counsellor or therapist, can be really important in learning some strategies to help manage our thoughts and feelings when we are feeling our worst. I just wanted to ask if you have any existing supports at the moment, apart from your best friend?
In terms of doing kind things for yourself, it can be vital to do some self-care activities to make sure that you appreciate yourself. While some self-care activities can be stuff like face masks, or listening to some relaxing music in bed, a different type of self-care focuses on trying to get yourself to be your own safety net, and make your environment as safe and as comfortable for you as possible. This sort of self-care could be something like calling a support hotline like the Butterfly Foundation or eheadspace when you feel like you're struggling, going to sleep early if you can't shake some bad thoughts or impulses, or even taking some steps to remove the temptation to engage in some destructive behaviours - like drinking - by putting the alcohol you want to consume out of your reach. There's a whole bunch of other distraction based self-care strategies in this thread here if you wanted to take a look 
I also wanted to quickly let you know that I had to edit your post a bit, as it broke some of our guidelines (which you can find here). We really try to be mindful of other users of the forums so we try to limit any descriptive language around eating disorders, due to how triggering they can be to a lot of people. I've also move you're post to the "Something's Wrong" portion of our forums, as this is the best place to get advice on really tough issues that you might be facing at the moment
Thank you, I'm sorry, I didn't want to trigger anybody. It's just that I do have a support system, I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. My psychologist seems to just tell my mum when something goes wrong, and although I know it's from a good place, all it does is make my mum angry at me because she doesn't know how else to react. And with my psychiatrist, all he does is up the dose of my meds, which doesn't help me either
Hi @idk_what_breaky! Welcome to the forums!
That situation sounds so tough. 
I think it's really brave to share what you're going through on here. It can be really hard to stop drinking, but I know that you're capable of getting through this difficult time.
Do you think it would be beneficial to make a list of alternatives to drinking? We have a helpful thread about coping strategies and distractions if you feel like you need a different coping strategy. BeyondBlue also has a lot of suggestions for changing drinking habits.
Would any self-help tools or resources be helpful for you? There is an app called Daybreak which can help people replace drinking with healthier habits.
Are you able to ask your psychologist about the limits of confidentiality and when can she reveal information that you disclose to her to your mum?
Hey @idk_what_breaky, I hope you don't mind me jumping into the conversation here. I saw your posts and just wanted to reiterate some of what @Andrea-RO has said - you've shown a great deal of awareness around what's happening for you, and a lot of courage in reaching out.
I'm glad to hear you have a support system, although it sucks that it seems as if they're not being the most helpful atm 😞
I'm wondering if you can tell me a bit more about some other coping strategies you might have, outside of drinking?
Looking forward to hearing from you
What you're going through sounds really difficult...
I just wanted to add in another resource called Counselling Online: https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/
They provide counselling specifically for people with drug and alcohol issues.
I've had psychologists like that...
Have you ever had a talk with your psychologist about confidentiality?
Technically they're meant to do that when they first see you, but some people seem to skip it..
Hi @Tiny_leaf , thank you so much for the resource, I did try for about 12 hours to stop and I got incredibly sick. I have talked to my psych about confidentiality but I guess specifically with this she'd have to, and I know she will because there's been situations like this before. I just don't want to risk is sometimes because when it's too much, I hate the added pressure of my mum yelling at me.
@idk_what_breaky That's no good that you got sick after stopping. I wonder if it was due to withdrawal symptoms.
Would it be easier to slowly moderate or cut down on your drinking rather than going cold turkey? You could start by slowly reducing your intake or replacing some of it with a coping strategy or distraction. A doctor might be able to help with this.
Despite having a support system It still must be very isolating for you to be struggling with this so we are glad you have taken the time to connect with other people here. Well done for persisting and fighting, it sounds like life has been hard for a very long time
I would definitely recommend seeing your doctor about your response to stopping alcohol as this could be a detox symptom. Your right about your psychologist having to report certain things to your mum, psychologists have a legal duty of care so i'm glad you have discussed this with her. You should always feel safe talking openly to your supports and have a right to know the guidelines they are bound by.
It sounds like the way your mum responds to you having a rough patch is unhelpful and causes you stress? Sometimes our parents can act out too and react emotionally, which hurts. Do you think you would feel comfortable speaking to your mum about what is helpful/ unhelpful and talk about what helps you feel supported?
Hi @TOM-RO
I read this reply a couple of days ago and decided to take a leap of faith and talk to my mum despite this not being very helpful before. She was super angry about it for 3 days and those were not good days, I slept in my car and didn't eat much because I hadn't had taken any money, she called me once on each day but that was all. That kind of worsened my situation. But I came back home and she came round and we cried it out for a bit. It's still a little bit rocky, especially with me and my friend, but it's much better. I went to my gp and was prescribed something to make withdrawal easier (once we established that that's what was happening) and my parents and I have agreed to be more open from now on.
Hey @idk_what_breaky
That's absolutely awesome that you took a leap of faith and spoke to your mum. Very courageous of you! It shows a real commitment to getting better - you're looking at the bigger picture and willing to do things you're uncomfortable with in order to achieve the end goal of improving 
So happy for you and also so happy that you and your mum's relationship is better now and that you agreed to be more open. It's also good that your GP was able to prescribe you with medication to help you with your withdrawal symptoms... should make things a heap easier! Keep doing what you're doing and update us along the way .
To "I can't stop drinking": Your most recent post is one of the best posts I have ever read. Congrats.
@idk_what_breaky That sounds like a really rough three days but I'm glad that it all worked out in the end. I'm really happy that you're safe and that the GP is working with you. I hope that the medication helps the withdrawal issues.
I think it was so brave of you to talk to your mum and explain what's been going on to your GP.
Hi @letitgo , I actually have a good coping strategy that works, but I can't use it at the moment and so I find there's nothing else. I normally like going for walks but because my doctor said I wasn't allowed to exercise my mum took that as walks too even though they aren't included I don't think. When I'm about ready to give up and feel like being stupid, I try go out for a walk and she either get's my sister to follow me in a car or she follows me herself and so it becomes distressing because I just want to be alone
