*TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hi @MB95 

I haven't been on in a while so I read back a few pages to see what has been going on for you.

I can hear how difficult things have been for you recently.

It saddens me to hear that you feel like you're disliked on here (your post from the 01.03). I'm glad that you've been so honest in sharing these thoughts and feelings with us and I hope that writing them down and expressing them has been a little cathartic for you. You've shown some great insight in the sense that you know these thoughts are silly. We would never hate you MB95. It's quite the opposite actually - we see many positives in you and care about you. 

I'm sorry to hear that chat-based (or telephone-based) crisis/support services have not met your needs. It must be soooo frustrating to reach out for help and for the technology to not work. It;s like the last thing you need in that moment is for the chat to NOT launch.

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your psychologist. That sounds like a truly awful experience and I can understand why it upset you so much .

Throughout your recent posts, I've noticed that you want to avoid depending on other people for help. I thought I'd try and find some self-help based services that might be useful for you, because we very much care about you, and hate to see you feeling this upset.

I thought I'd introduce you to the "my digital health" platform. They have some free program options. The only thing is that if you want to do it, I'm pretty sure it means you will be partaking in a study, so you need to be comfortable with that. See here to have a read about the my digital health program, and here to to find out more about the programs. From what I've gathered from you from the forums, it sounds like the following programs might be helpful:

• CompassionateUs
• IMindTime
• "Life Flex" and "I Consider Life" might also be helpful.

You mentioned that you think you might have BPD, but that you were too concerned to see the psychiatrist to confirm whether this was the case. I want to say that it is okay to have BPD, or any mental illness in general to be honest. Did you know that almost half of the population have suffered from a mental health condition at some point in their life? Mind you, that's only the people who have reported it, and I'm guessing that statistic is probably higher.  What does this statistic tell us? That having a mental illness, or experiencing mental health symptoms and distress, is actually normal.

DBT is the first line of treatment for people with BPD. Now, we don't know that you have BPD, but the strategies for DBT would be helpful for anyone in my opinion, so I thought I'd share some stuff on that with you anyway:

• Check out the resources on the Australian BPD foundation limited website here.
• In particular, scroll down until you see the link to the DBT skills modules ....e.g., "DBT Skills Application 2-1 Intro to Distress Tolerance." These modules are free and have been provided by a peer-support-based Facebook group.

I know that you are due to age out of R/O soon, so I thought I'd link you some other forums that may be of use to you. I'd encourage you to create an account with:

• BeyondBlue - here.
• Sane - here.

I know that you're going to be on our forums for a little while longer, but I encourage you to join these forums now so that you can start to build some connections, so that leaving here is not AS difficult as it would be otherwise.

I know you're a little bit adverse to seeking professional support at the moment, whether it be over the phone support or booking in with a new psychologist, which is totally okay for the moment. However, I just wanted to point out that it's possible that your psychologist was just not the right fit for you, and that there may be other therapists that are better suited to you. For this reason, I encourage you to consider seeking in-person support, or at least keep it on your radar until you feel less vulnerable or more comfortable seeking support. Maybe, if you decide to engage with some of the resources I've linked you, then those strategies will help feel slightly better to engage with a therapist.

Please let me know if you'd like any more resources. I (and the other mods on here) am always happy to link you more. I just didn't want to overwhelm you with too many to start with.

Sorry for the essay.

How was your sleep last night?

I think I'm done with trying other services @Taylor-RO. They're always a let down and leave me feeling worse. I've tried a few times now and am done with them. I don't have any plans for tonight. I'm exhausted so think I'm going to try have an early night.

Hey @MB95, it sucks that the Beyond Blue chat wasn't working. Technology can be so strange at times and very disappointing when it stops working. I am sorry you had that experience Would you be open to trying the chat service for Lifeline or eHeadspace? Either way, it sounds like you have tried a few things to feel better and it is leaving you feeling frustrated. Have you got any plans for tonight?

Not good but there's nothing I can do about it so I've given up trying.

Sorry to hear that you felt like it was a waste of time @MB95. That doesn't sound like a good experience . I hope that you were able to use some other strategies last night and that you felt better. How are you going today?

I got it to work but it was a complete waste of time so I left. There's a reason why I don't bother with any services except for this one. I don't know why I bothered trying. Thanks for the help though @Andrea-RO 

Hey @MB95 ! That sucks that the beyond blue chat isn't working - has your web page changed at all, or is the link just not doing anything?

Does anyone know how to work the Beyond Blue chat? I hit launch chat but it's not doing anything. I knew this was a stupid idea!

It can be @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I just want to go and leave everything behind. 

We can take a year leave of absence @MaryRO but I don't want to have to explain to people why and I also don't really want to push my degree back cause I'm already pretty old to be graduating. Idk. I'll work it out. I just need to stop stressing. 

Hey @MB95,

It can be difficult to leave the forum after building so many connections and having a safe space to come to.  Indeed it can seem like a rejection to have to leave and it appears that you acknowledge that others may not hate you, or believe that you do not belong.  This of course can be tough to recognise fully when in a dark place.  Protecting yourself by creating strategies is very normal, please try to be gentle with yourself.

If you did drop out of uni is it possible for you to go back to complete your course?  I understand it might be difficult to speak to your uni about this, however if you let them know what is happening they may be able to support you.  I acknowledge that you do not want to think that you have failed at this and trying very hard to keep things together.  We can only do our best and sometime our best means being kind to ourselves and recognising where our limitations are.  It might be worth speaking to your uni.  They may be able to offer you a helpful solution which can help alleviate a lot of stress.  Can someone be with you while having a discussion about all of this to a coordinator/admin staff?  It might take some pressure off of you if you are not alone. 

I feel like a failure. I'm trying so hard but things are just too much. I've been trying so hard to ignore my thoughts and feelings and not engage with any of it but it's getting a lot harder to ignore and today I cracked a little. I'm just so exhausted and feel like I have no one. I know it's stupid and I don't want to upset anyone on here but I don't feel like I have RO anymore either. I think it's just because I know I need to leave so am trying to keep my shit off here and I took a break recently when I was really unwell but idk. I just feel really weird being on here now and like everyone hates me and I don't belong here anymore. I know it's silly. But I just feel weird. I feel so out of place and like I have no where to go. I miss everyone on here so much but it's like I'm so emotionally shut off? Maybe it's just me trying to protect myself, idk. It's nothing against any of you guys. You're all incredible. I just don't feel like I belong anymore and I don't know how to accept it or where to get support. I just want to go away again. I keep thinking maybe I should just drop out of uni, get in my car and drive. It's so much easier being on my own and away from everything. 

Thanks for checking in guys, sorry I disappeared. I hope you're all okay - I will check in on your posts over the next few days to see what I've missed, but I hope you're keeping well. 

I hope you're okay @MB95 We're thinking of you

How are you going @MB95 we are thinking of you. 

Hey @MB95, I saw your post... 😞 I'm here. I'm really proud of you for reaching out Do you reckon you could put your car keys somewhere out of sight? Can you do something to self soothe right now and we can chat for a bit if you like 🙂 It doesn't have to be about anything in particular, it could be about sloths :p? With the self soothing stuff, it's okay to cry and scream because that might help get some emotion out. Right now it sounds like everything is like bottled up and you're feeling really overwhelmed and uncertain what to do next? Is that right? This might sound silly, but I like to cuddle a blanket when I'm feeling bad and to take deep breaths because it can help with that empty feeling until I can think a little bit clearer and talk about things? Could we try something like that together?

Hey @MB95 , I just wanted to check in and let you know that we are thinking of you. I totally get that awful feeling of feeling like a burden, if I'm honest, when I've been through tough times that feeling is one of the things I have hated the most. Because it makes me think that I'm not worthy of help, or am wasting people's time - and it's only when that fog has lifted that I can see that isn't the case. I don't know if that makes sense - but anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we really care about you, and that we're thinking of you. 

(total tech fail here, I tried very hard but failed to embed a video for you so had to make do with a GIF). Here is a link 

@Eden1717 is totally right, sometimes dealing with people - even online - can be extremely exhausting. It sounds like it might be good for you to take some time for yourself, even if that time is just watching youtube, laying in your bed, etc 💖

@MB95  Sorry you are feeling so bad still you aren’t being a burden but of course if you need to take some time away for yourself to think you are always welcome to do so just like you will be welcome back when you are ready.