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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Janine-RO Yeah...
I definitely don’t feel okay. Even now, I just want to curl up and cry. I want to smile, for my teachers. For my friends. I want to stop feeling threatened by some cruel old school teachers, when they threaten me with detention for not getting work done on time.

I don’t even know what to do with the work set. It’s so hard, and I can’t do detentions. I have to eat, especially at break times, or else, I pass out.

I did try KHL again, a while ago, but I don’t really want to try it again. I just need to get my schoolwork done, ready for tomorrow....

I’m glad you all are here though, it means a lot, despite not having anyone irl...
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

It sounds like you are frightened of what may happen if higher authority or your parents know about what is going on for you. It can be scary when things are unpredictable, not telling people gives you predictability but it can also leave you feeling stuck. Is that right?

Sorry to hear that it is what you think about yourself, that would be difficult to be confronted with that so often. Is there something you like that you can focus on?

 

It sounds like there's a lot to consider at school considering the thoughts you're experiencing while having to concentrate on your work. We are here to support you and would like to encourage you to talk to someone you trust. 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@TOM-RO
Yeah.. I really do want to tell someone, but I just don’t want to get the help that I got last time. It didn’t do anything for me, I just went through it without actual help. And I’m at a better school, but going through this again at an earlier stage of the year. The last 2 times I had a depressive episode, was at the end of every year. I don’t understand why I’m like this, so early in the year... but oh well... 😔

Definitely feel stuck, especially when I want to say something, but I know that something will happen, and I won’t like it..

It depends on what you mean, by ‘focus on’. If you mean focus on myself, that won’t work, because I think so badly of myself anyway. I honestly don’t even know what I like anymore... I just don’t have any interest in anything right now... thanks depression... *sigh*

I don’t know what to do... And I still have English work to finish, or my teacher will give me detention, and then I’ll pass out in the next class... 😣
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I can hear there's some anxiety there about seeking help because of past experience, sorry that you had to go through that. You're going through a lot of changes and experiencing an overall growth spurt where things can seem overwhelming. 

 

It might be worth talking to a school counselor about some of your concerns to test it out. 

 

What I mean by focus on something you like - I mean something that you like the most or dislike the least about you (for example your eyes or smile). Tell yourself that they are beautiful or put extra effort in to emphasize those features.

 

It sounds like you still have quite a bit to do and have incentive to finish it. It's great that you are taking control of what you can do with your English homework.

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@TOM-RO yeah... I’m in a pretty tough place rn.

I don’t think I will talk to the GO about it, I don’t exactly want to talk to her about it anyway. As much as I really want to tell someone, I just can’t. I can’t risk getting unhelpful help, because I know how useless it will be.

I have tried to do some of that before, but its honestly just not helpful when I’m in this kind of headspace... Maybe when I’ve recovered a bit from the depressive episode, I can try to start doing that. Thank you for the suggestion though.

Um... No, I think you misinterpreted that bit... I have no clue what I’m doing, and I also had a fight with my mum last night, so I didn’t get it done. But my teacher didn’t give me detention, she asked if she could talk to me after school, at tutoring. I no longer feel like she’s a cruel old bag anymore. I never really thought of her that way, but she was very scary, until I had a chat with her.

Now I have strategies to get more work done, and efficiently, too. And she also knows about my health issue, too. And my anxiety.

The assignment shouldn’t be too hard, either... I hope...
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hello @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am sorry to hear that you are in a tough place right now. By the sounds of it, there is a lot going on for you. That must be really difficult. It is a shame to hear that you feel as though you can't talk to someone about the way you are feeling. I understand that you feel as though reaching out for support might go the same as it did last time you reached out and that the support you will get may not be helpful. But I think it is also important to consider what it would be like for you if you reach out for support now and if it is helpful.

Sometimes our minds can mislead us as they can think about the negatives in situations before the positives.

 

Do you think you would feel comfortable trying and reaching out for support again ? If you are not feeling too comfortable with the idea of talking to a counsellor, it might be a good idea to bring how you are feeling up with your teacher. It sounds like your teacher has been really helpful and supportive of you lately. You might find having a chat with her to be helpful Heart I hope that you are able to get some more support from your teacher and that you feel comfortable working on your assignment.

You mentioned that you are in a tough place right now, so I would just like to ask you if you are feeling safe tonight? Have you got any activities planned for tonight that you can do to help you feel better?

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Sophia-RO yeah...
I know that its important to get some support, but I just don’t think I can. It’s something that I just can’t do. I have to let this pass, even if it takes forever. Smiley Sad

I would gladly Reach out for support again, but I need to know if I can actually say what needs to be said, without anyone thinking that it’s harmful, because its not, and that they won’t go and report to someone higher on authority or my parents.

I think you misinterpreted... My English teacher isn’t the one who was worrying, it was my drama teacher and maths teacher. My English teacher is the one who decided that I probably was struggling to write things down, because she says that I’m a great writer, even though I don’t agree.

But yes, she helped quite a bit, and knowing that she isn’t cruel, makes me feel a bit more at ease with this assignment.

I am safe, I always will be, but I do wish that this depression and health problems would go away. My head has been spinning for so long now, I’m getting a bit worried. But I’ll sleep on it tonight, and if nothing’s changed, I’ll ask mum to go to the doctors.

I don’t have any activities that help, really... Nothing I do, makes me feel better... Smiley Sad

Thank you for your concern though.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

It is good to hear that you are safe and will be safe @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. It is a shame to hear that you don't feel like you can get support right now. I hope that you might feel a bit more comfortable about reaching out for some support in the near future. Maybe if you are feeling more open for support your English teacher might be a good place to start as it sounds like you have a good relationship with her now Heart It sounds like you have a lot going on for you right now. The head spinning that you are experiencing sounds awful! But it sounds like you have a pretty good plan sorted out to get some help if it doesn't get any better. Getting your mum involved sounds like a good idea too.

Hmmm, there must be something that you can do that makes you feel a bit better or that helps to distract you (even if it is just for bits at a time). Are there any videos that you can watch or games that you could play? Would you feel open to doing some creative writing or something along those lines? Based on what your English teacher has said about you being a good writer, you might find it helpful to practice some creative writing. I like reading and writing at times because I can get so involved in a story that it can be really distracting. Do you think this is the same for you too?
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Sophia-RO yeah, as much as I don’t want to be safe...

I can’t get support, I have the same problem as Bananatime04. I can only get help, when I’m 18. I don’t want to be classified as ‘At risk’, or get useless help from my parents.

I think you misinterpreted that part... I do have a better relationship with my english teacher, but we probably aren’t on the same level of empathy like you think we do. I mean, she knows about my anxiety and sadness, but I wouldn’t go and talk to her about my problems.

Yeah, I will tell mum if it gets worse. The only thing is now, is that I keep having random dizzy spells everywhere I go. It’s probably because I haven’t been drinking enough water, even if I do drink a full 750ml at school, plus more before and after...

I think it might be the stress and anxiety making my health worse, even if I’m still doing the normal things in life.

No, there isn’t really anything that distracts me...
At least nothing I do, makes me feel better or distracted from my thoughts...
and I don’t exactly like writing in that way, I only write for assignments for school.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hello @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am sorry that you don't find the support from your parents to be helpful. Oh I see, yes I think I must have misinterpreted what kind of relationship you have with your English teacher- sorry about that! Do you have anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to about how you are feeling and what is going on for you?

It is good to hear that you are open to telling your mum. It must be really uncomfortable getting random dizzy spells. It is a good idea to keep track of your water intake to make sure that you are staying hydrated! Like you said, it sounds like it might be a good plan to involve your mum if it does get worse. You may need to visit your GP just to make sure everything is okay.

That's a shame that writing isn't a good activity for you to keep distracted. Are there any other activities that you can do (or try) tonight that can help to distract you and make you feel better?