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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

That's super understandable @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I think a lot of people find it difficult to open up to others about how they are feeling, particularly if you're used to being the "helper" and not someone who needs help Heart 

Maybe it might be a good idea to come up with a list of people who you'd feel comfortable talking to about how you're feeling? and then once you do, you can also think of/plan how you would want to open up a conversation with them, which might help you when you're feeling stuck 

Also just to jump in @Bananatime04, I am really sorry to hear that you're feeling unwanted, but even though you might be feeling that really strongly, I know it's not true Smiley Happy there are a lot of people who love your presence and really find it a really enjoyable part of coming to the forum. I think that part is really clear by all the people who are saying they would miss you Heart

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @Bananatime04 , 

 

Just reading your posts, and I just wanted to clarify that we aren't making a child protection report for you, there were just some questions that we needed to ask. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, as I've said before you truly are such a compassionate, kind and valued member of these forums.

 

If you do make the decision to step away we trust that you know what's best for you at the moment, but please know that we really care about you, and you are always wanted and valued here on the forums. 

 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx I just wanted to check in on you and see how you're going? It must be especially hard for you to have Bananatime04 be taking a (possibly permanent) break from the forums Smiley Sad You two seemed very close so I hope you're doing okay. How have things been otherwise?
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I’m sorry. The past few days I’ve been so scared to be at home and when I get to school I just break down because my life is completely falling apart And every night I have an urge to run away. I’m sorry, I should not have been so selfish to just say I’m ending our friendship and possibly put you through what Macy is putting me through right now. It was so wrong of me and I’m so sorry. I’m really not making good decisions. I won’t leave you Smiley Sad I can’t do that to you

Please forgive me Smiley Sad I hate myself, I can just imagine how I’ve made you feel and I’m so disappointed
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I can't imagine Lexi would feel upset with you, so I don't think you need to be forgiven! You did nothing wrong! It's understandable that you would want to be alone when you feel everyone has left you, if I'm right in interpreting that? You had no negative intentions. Plus the forums were getting really triggering for you! It happens. I don't think Lexi would be upset, just relieved to hear back from you

 

 

hug.gif

 

You two are reunited! Smiley Happy I use gifs a lot sorry hehe (this is from ponyo Smiley Tongue)

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Andrea-RO yeah... That's normally how people who give are like. I'm definitely like that...
Except for the fact that I have always needed help, I just hated being the one needing it. Especially because I wanted to be the strong one, so that I wouldn't make anyone else sad or heavy their burdens with my problems. Little did I know, I was making my burden too heavy, and now look where its left me...

I do have a few people I'm willing to talk to, but I don't know if I can actually tell them whats wrong. Whenever I get the chance to tell them, like when my leaders do a check-in facetime call, I then feel like they are happy as they are, an don't need my problems to ruin their day. I just don't understand why I feel that way...

I think I might write a letter to someone, and tell them through that letter, that I need to see someone. I haven't thought it through thoroughly yet, but hopefully, I can get the message across that I'm not okay and need help. Even if I feel like I don't deserve it.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@lost_Space_Explorer5 I'm not very good atm...

I'm heart broken, and my mental state is not looking very good either.

I don't know why, but I just feel like I can't get it off my chest. And its holding me back from getting help, and from telling my leaders what I need to tell them...

Yeah... we have been very close. I just hope that everything can get back to normal again, or at least as close to normal as we can, with our new problems from the past pain we have and are still suffering...

I have a friend over tonight, and she's had some problems with her family. I'm glad I could be a good friend, and give her a change of scenery from her current living arrangements.

We'll watch a movie soon, or set up our beds.

I got my camp hoodie today, so I'm enjoying it too. Its huge, so I like it a lot. I'm doing a virtual camp, so it will happen over zoom, and the hoodie is just a part of the camp fun. Smiley Happy

I'll do a full update on how I'm feeling soon, I just need to respond to Bananatime04's post.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling so good atm Smiley Sad I wonder what is preventing you from reaching out to people in your life as well.. A virtual camp?! HAHA that sounds awesome!! Virtual marshmallow roasting Smiley Tongue Please don't set up any indoor fires hahaha

I love hoodies, especially the big cuddly warm ones so that's cool!

From your reply to Andrea it seems like you feel like you always have to be the one that's together and don't deserve help. Although it's awesome you're considering writing someone a letter, you most definitely deserve it! Okay? I'm proud of you for deciding to maybe go for it and ask for help, it isn't an easy thing Smiley Happy
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Bananatime04 Its okay. I know how hard it has been for you, with all of this stuff happening and I honestly have done the same things too. I've been so selfish to some people in my life too.

Thank you so so much for staying though. I really, really appreciate it. Heart
And like I have said before, you are allowed to take breaks from the forums, I just couldn't cope if it was forever. Heart
You do not need to be forgiven. It's something that you need to do for yourself. I know that I still haven't forgiven myself yet either. but I know that if you forgive yourself, you will feel so much better. Heart

@lost_Space_Explorer5 is right, I'm not upset with you, I'm relieved that you're back.
Please don't hate on yourself just because of an unconfirmed decision. Heart

If it helps you feel better, I already forgave you. Now you just need to forgive yourself. Heart
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah...
I hope I can figure it out some time soon...

Haha, not quite the fire camp. Lol!
I basically do it over Zoom, where we just do the activities that we normally would do, like the art and drama and music side of the camp.

Haha, I love big baggy hoodies, particularly black ones. And I want to get an Oodie, which I'd love to wear to bed all the time... Smiley Tongue

yeah... I guess I am like that...
I'll definitely write that letter, but it still depends on how I feel, in order to get it delivered to the person I want to read it...