TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

[TOM-RO]

It is a shame to hear that you have not been feeling the best lately @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I am glad that you felt better after you had something to eat though ! By the sounds of it, the noisy classroom environment can be really stressful for you at times. It is good to hear how involved and helpful your mum is being in this situation. Based on what you have shared before, it sounds like you have a really supportive relationship with your mum and your siblings, so I am glad that your mum is helping you through this.

I have not had used a digital diary before but it sounds very interesting. I hope that writing all your thoughts down has been helpful for you tonight and that it has made you feel a bit better

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@TOM-RO Yeah...

I’ll reply properly soon, but right now I have to get this off my load...

I honestly just want to die right now. I’m in science again, and I should be doing work, but I can barely stay awake. I’m dizzy, I’m tired, and I am distressed. This is not a good mix. I am likely to pass out from physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion and distress, and I have a distressing maths class next.

I’m on the verge of tears, I already cried a little at lunch, just a half hour before.
I want to go home, I’m so sad and tired. But I can’t. I have to stay here.

I don’t know what to do... 😣😔

I am safe. 😔

[Bre-RO]

Aww @xXLexi_Lou122Xx those days when you are feeling so low and you have to be at school are so so tough. If it's definitely not an option for you to go home, are there any places at school where you can have some space? Or is there a teacher you trust, that you can speak to? 

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@Bre-RO I don’t even know anymore. I’m going to talk to a teacher soon, at break, but I’m in the distressing class now, and I am seriously not coping at all. I want to curl up in a blanket and cry. Even have a cuddle, but I can’t do that at school. I really want to go home...

I can’t leave the room either, and I definitely can’t leave. I can’t cope any more. I am so tempted to walk out right now, and go to the office.

I am so dizzy, and so sad and distressed, I just can’t keep going like this. I’m not okay. I just can’t anymore. Even with some space, I can’t get into a calmer headspace.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore...

[Maddy-RO]

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

That sucks. Is the noise bothering you? Have you had something to eat?

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@Maddy-RO yeah, it’s the noise. And the smart asses in the class, too. They think they’re smart, and get to call out and be assholes, but its throwing me out of whack, especially because of my noise sensitivity, and my health being stupid.

Yes, I have eaten. I think my bp is relatively low...

[musicfan_xo]

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , just checking how you're going? Take your time replying, I understand you may be at school or busy

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

Hey @musicfan_xo
Yeah, sorry. I was at school still, but I’m home now.

I honestly wish I could curl up into a ball and cry into someone. I used to hug a youth leader and cry, but no one seems to do that anymore. Even before iso and social distancing. It kinda hurts... Especially because I don’t want to hug anyone else, except for a youth leader who cares... 😔

I’m still feeling a bit unwell, but I’ll be okay. I’m going down to my grandparents for dinner tonight, to celebrate my auntie’s birthday, yesterday.

I’ll bring my bullet journal, so I have something to do while I’m down there.

[musicfan_xo]

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx no worries. I'm sorry you feel that way, anything I can do? It's ok to cry, sometimes we need to let it all out.

I hope you feel better soon, enjoy your dinner with your grandparents, aunty etc.

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@musicfan_xo thank you.

I don't know of anything that anyone can do, but thank you for being here.

I'll probably talk to someone later, over a call. Probably another youth leader, but hopefully they'll care...

I hope so too. We're currently eating tacos, and dessert will be up soon. I believe there is chocolate mousse...😏