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TW: Sexual Assault; I don't feel comfortable? Should I feel comfortable with this?
So a while back in April I was dating this guy.
As most negative posts start out haha.
But he does care for me and stuff and always asks if anything is up. Helped me with my confidence and understanding boundaries funnily enough.
But yes, back in April, I went to his house for the first time to meet his parents, really nice parents and sisters, and I enjoyed the day. But then everyone in the house left for a bit and we cuddled on his bed. I was all OK with it and nothing was wrong. I enjoyed it if anything and fell asleep at least once.
But near the end of it I just felt uncomfortable. He made the joke of having condoms in his drawer and I laughed a very prominent "hell no" as I am asexual to which he said "aw I'm horny" followed by a "sorry for being weird". I accepted his apology and started playing a game on my phone (I struggle with having focus on me and play puzzle games when I feel uncomfortable, to make me feel calmer) while he hugged me and his legs were around my legs and (apologies it just sounds weird to type) started kinda making me feel uncomfortable and It has played in my head at least once a week every week since then.
I don't want to label it as sexual assault or something like that but it has really left a memory there.
I am really too much of a people pleaser to say anything about it since then or even stop it or say no at the time because I thought he didn't want me to notice or something since I said no before, about his joke, and he was not in the right mindset?
I really don't know who to tell or talk to because I find it insanely uncomfortable to talk about and it makes me remember it and I just don't feel ok. Because I don't want to view them in this negative light, and it's also my fault for saying "ah maybe" or "yeah" to everything. But he didn't really ask to do that which just made it odd.
We ended up breaking up the day after funnily enough hahaha, because we had a conversation about how my asexuality would not work for the long run and I respect his preferences as he has respected mine. We have stayed in contact still and still do have feelings for one another and he has been thinking for a while if he is ok to be with me even though sex would have a highly rare chance of happening. So I do feel validated around him and in the short 2 months we dated it was the best 2 months, excusing that 1 day.
But yeah. It felt off and its been playing over and over and over in my mind and having mild ASD I am really neutral to stuff like this usually. I just don't notice something bad until someone describes it and I piece things together. So I just really wanted to find some sort of ease I guess. I don't want to bring it up with him only for me to be just labelling things wrong. (Even though it would be wise to talk to him about it, as I said before it makes me really uncomfortable to talk about and I struggle to say the right words, so I guess I am more looking for confidence to say that this memory doesn't make me feel ok)
Thank you, apologies this is my first post and I am someone who is usually a really positive person and wouldn't resort to saying this stuff on a wellbeing site. 🙂
Comments
Hello again,
I just wanted to write back on this forum that I just spoke about it to the person and they said they feel very sorry and did not enjoy what they did and that they do not plan on doing anything like that ever again. Which I know they wouldn't as it was a mindset thing in my opinion and they were making dumb decisions in that moment, to which they agreed it was a dumb decision on their part and they 100% want to avoid it happening again.
I didn't see them any different throughput my brains overthinking, It was just the action that scared me more.
But yes. I am grateful that I spoke about it to someone, because speaking about it to a friend would feel off as they would know the person and i didn't want them thinking any different of them. I am also glad to have finally talked it over with the person.
"Thank you" are such overused words in all my comments here ahahha but yes thank you. Grateful to have services like these, and to have access to them. ❤️
Hi @RaccoonRave I'm really glad you had a chance to talk to the person and to share how what happened made you feel.
How are you feeling about things now?
Well the memory of it is less often and I tried to meet up with them the other day and after not meeting people in a very long time specifically them, I felt off for the first half but got comfortable again after some time. It was nice to see them again and they respect my boundaries more. 🙂
Hey there @RaccoonRave 🙂
I hope you're feeling okay after sharing this - It isn't always easy to open up about these kinds of things, but I'm really glad you decided to.
You asked if you should feel comfortable with what happened. I think it's important to say that our best indication of whether we are comfortable with something is our emotional/physical reaction. It sounds like you clearly communicated that you weren't interested in being sexual.
When we set a boundary, and someone chooses to cross it, regardless of their reasons/intentions, it isn't okay, and it's normal that you're thinking about it often. It's common to feel there is something you should/shouldn't have done to avoid the situation. I want to reassure you that you are in no way responsible for his actions - and while you had a good two months together, for the most part, you are allowed not to be okay with that one day.
Do you think you'd feel comfy talking to more people about this, like a friend or counsellor? I thought I'd share some links that might be reassuring/helpful for now.
Last month, we had a Q&A with a psychologist about boundaries, and you can read the conversation here. Also, we made a thread here to chat about consent where we've linked to helpful resourceful, but I'll include them below.
ReachOut has content on this topic that you can watch, listen to or read. That includes personal stories, advice on what to do.
This is a helpful article on “What to do if you’ve realised a past experience was sexual assault”.
This is a national list of support to contact. In addition, there is a breakdown of services in your state and nationwide, including:
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or start a chat here.
You mentioned that you are usually a positive person, and I want to highlight that telling someone how you feel IS positive. You are looking after yourself, and it doesn't get more positive than that. We're here to listen and support you while you figure this out ❤️
I just need to let you know that I edited your post in line with our community guidelines which you can read here when you're up to it. We are also going to check in with you via email, so keep an eye out for that.
Hi.
Thank you for putting the trigger warning thing I couldn't find a way to put it myself and felt like there needed to be one there hence the amount of bracketed comments haha.
Thank you for validating my thoughts and feelings on this, and I feel less stressed on the topic than before.
I also have been meaning to talk to a counsellor for a while now but have only gotten psychologist diagnosing me with asd and then saying that majority of my actions are a cause of that. So just felt off. Trying to get a new one and trying to get closer with friends as I have realised I depend on this one person too much and since they are the topic of conversation I don't feel comfortable talking it out with them just yet.
Also the links you gave are really good and I enjoyed reading them to better understand things.
This is a really good site and thank you for taking the time out of your day to help others, even if it is your job or a volunteer thing, you are really wonderful thank you. ❤️
Hi @RaccoonRave! Welcome to the forums!
I am also asexual and like you, I would have also felt uncomfortable if I was in a similar situation. I think it's incredible that you were able to trust your gut instinct, which was telling you that something wasn't right about his comment and him getting into your personal space. I think that it's perfectly normal and fine for you to have those boundaries.
I have also been in similar situations where I have felt unsafe or not okay with what was going on and I just wanted to validate your feelings.
What are you doing to cope with this situation?
I think that you deserve to care for yourself during this time. ❤
Thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel super happy to read!
I usually just play puzzle games like minesweeper when I don't feel too good. Dont really know if that is a coping thing haha. But I have struggled through the years if repressing/forgetting stuff until I feel off and have a big rant, to then be ok for another year. It worked for me in my eyes but I am slowly learning that it isn't healthy so writing this forum was a pretty new step even though I had kept it repressed for a few months. But yes puzzles, because It takes my mind of things and makes me feel smart and worthy while doing them! I usually turn off my internet/data during the time and just chill for a bit doing that till I feel ok.
Again thank you for validating my feelings. It calmed me a lot and makes me able to see much clearer on the topic. 😄
Hi @RaccoonRave, thank you for sharing. They could definitely be some ways of distracting yourself if you are feeling distressed. Great to hear that you have got some strategies
We are all so glad that you have found expressing yourself here helpful. You mentioned that you like having a big rant, how do you usually get to do that? Do you think talking about this more regularly would be beneficial for you? ❤️
I used to usually just bunch it all together and have either one day or one week of just letting it out. Which doesn't solve any of it. Just makes me filter through the things I can and can't change and stuff I should and shouldn't be worried about.
I then started just writing stuff down in google notes and keeping them in an archive. I liked typing stuff out thinking that I am saying it to someone, but without the feeling of guilt over dumping everything onto them you know?
I don't know if talking often will be beneficial or not as I usually just talk it over once or twice then feel like it is solved and my brain looses the thought of it fairly quickly after that. But yeah this topic hsent done that even though I spoke about it to someone straight after it happened, they helped but yeah the fact it has stayed in my mind for longer than a couple months did concern me so I would resort to this website as a later option if it concerns me.
Everything else is fine and I like to think I am coping pretty well over other things and find them quite small compared to this memory so I don't worry about them. 🙂
Please do suggest any other coping strategies to use as I do second guess my method from time to time haha
Thank you!
Hello @RaccoonRave , sounds like you have thought through some of these coping strategies. I think that writing thoughts down sounds like quite a good strategy. It is like a bit of a brain dump? I've heard that is quite a helpful strategy for people to use when they feel overwhelmed by their thoughts at times. Would you say that you resonate with that feeling?
You mentioned that you second guess your methods from time to time, is there anything in particular that you are unsure about?