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TW (Suicide, harm): Still struggling :(

If you look at my other posts you'll see I've been struggling with depression for a few years and it keeps getting worse. All I do is wait for medical treatment to help. Therapist, different medications. None of it works. I just am so over it.

 

I've just started seeing a psychiatrist and am a tiny hopeful he may be helpful. But I don't know if I even care anymore. I can't help but self sabotage, and my suicidal thoughts have gotten more intense (I'm safe).

 

I don't even know what I think, how I feel, or how I want to think or feel. I don't think I want to die, but I can't help but obsess over suicide. I just wish I could escape this. But I can't. I can't kill myself because I know it would hurt my family. Even though I don't even know what love feels like, I know my family and friends love me, and I love them. I have a younger sister with anxiety. My Dad lost his brother when they were kids and it still affects him and all his family today. Mum cried in a meeting at school with me. I couldn't do it to them. But at the same time, I just really hate living. Everything feels pointless because nothing makes me feel better. All I do is wait. Wait for something else to not help me get better. And at the same time, I kinda don't want to get better. It's very confusing and contradictory. I just feel so confused and trapped. And fed up with life in general.

 

I started TAFE today and in the lead up people were asking me if I was excited. I said yes. But honestly, I couldn't care less because it's just another part of life. And life feels very painful and pointless at the moment. It's just something else I have to do to try to pass time while I wait for something to help. But at the same time, I don't want stuff to help. It feels like giving up would be way quicker.

 

This morning my lovely boss who knows about my depression and even my recent bipolar 2 diagnosis, asked me if I was ok. I said yes. she asked if I was really ok. I said yes because that's just my standard automatic answer. But it kinda made me realise, I'm really not ok. I mean, do people who are ok obsess over ways they could kill themselves?

 

Anyways just venting. I have my second psychiatrist app on Thurs this week. I need to ask more q's about my bipolar 2 diagnosis because I don't really understand it. And I want to talk to him about the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I've read some articles about it, and it feels like they were written about me.

 

 

Spoiler

Also, it almost feels like I need to attempt suicide to be taken seriously. My dr said he wasn't worried about my self harm because I'm not trying to kill myself. What??? Like seriously??? I'm not trying to kill myself... yet (I'm safe). Just URGHHHHHHHHHHH. The medical system really has not helped me. Part of the reason I harm is because it's the next best alternative to killing myself. I thought that once I started harming, maybe I would be taken more seriously and people would see how bad I am and I would receive treatment that actually helps. Spoiler: Hasn't happened. Maybe I am taken seriously, but stillllllllllllll. URGHHHHHHH. No treatment that works. Which makes me think there isn't treatment that will work. I try to remind myself that there's lots I haven't tried and I've just started seeing the psychiatrist but URGHHHH. I'm so fed up. And that comment from my dr really annoyed me. I mean, he's been a pretty good dr. But really? He's not worried about the fact that I purposely hurt myself, just because I'm not trying to kill myself? That's like saying he's not worried about a sprained ankle because it's not broken. If he could read my mind, he would be very worried and potentially would have sent me to hospital ages ago. Just because I'm not trying to kill myself doesn't change the fact that I'm in daily unbearable emotional pain, and would rather be dead than deal with this. Someone will probably think that was irrational sentence. Ik. But idc about being irrational. This is what happens when I self sabotage. I get angry and irrational and suicidal. And I want to cry but I'm really bad at letting myself cry. I'll just harm later instead.

 

 

This is going to sound confusing, but sometimes I get angry that I have lots of people that love me. If I didn't, I could kill myself knowing no one would care and wouldn't feel guilty. But knowing I have lots of people that love me stops me from doing so. I mean, imagine if my suicide contributed to one of them developing depression, the very thing that killed me? That would suck. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not the people I love, even though I don't actually feel love. The way I see it, I put up with the pain of living to save them from the pain of me dying. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for all the awesome people in my life. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have attempted by now. But at the same time, if I didn't have any of them, it would be easy for me to just attempt.

 

I think I'm done venting for now. This sucks. Good job and thanks if u made it this far.

Akinna
AkinnaPosted 19-07-2021 08:06 PM

Comments (7 pages)

 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 09-11-2021 03:06 PM

Ugh that sounds so tough @Akinna

I'm sorry that there aren't really words that can help, but for what it's worth we're here and we care and we hear you. 

That's so great re: your TAFE friend sending nice messages - she sounds like a keeper. 

So true re the Instagram post too - I imagine a lot of people would identify with that. 

Hibernating in bed sounds like self care to me - and so does getting out of bed, like today, if it's what you want or need at the time. You're helping yourself if you're doing what you need to do. 

For what it's worth your perseverance is honestly incredible. 

I wish so much that things didn't suck for you right now, and I wish for better times soon. 💜

 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 09-11-2021 04:11 PM

Thanks @Philippa-RO

Hate being back in the stage where I spend time in the toilets to avoid people.

In the class I just had, when my lecturer was talking to me about my work, mentioned I'm having a flare up (even though my life these last few yrs is like a massive flare up). Anyway he asked if I needed to leave and I said no. Went for a walk though and went and cried in the toilet.

On my way home feeling very broken 😞

 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 09-11-2021 10:50 PM

Avoiding people during class sounds exhausting @Akinna. How did you feel about the interaction with your lecturer? It is great that you are able to be open and upfront with them but I imagine it must be difficult for you to share that stuff sometimes. What has made you feel broken? 

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-11-2021 01:17 AM

It was good to say that to my lecturer @Taylor-RO. Part of the reason I hated high school, is that no one knew I was hurting. So I’m trying to change that a bit.

 

Spoiler

Guess this is all part of my brain protecting me from feelings and mental illness... but nothing ever feels real. I block out as many emotions as possible to protect myself. Even though I’m hurting, I’m very good at denying anything is wrong. And I expect myself to function well.

But then something tiny happens to remind me I’m not ok and I’m so messed up. Like today when I told my lecturer I was having a flare up and he showed the tiniest bit of care. I admitted I wasn’t ok. Within 10 mins I was in the toilet crying

Idk if this makes sense it’s hard to explain

And now I’m crying again

Really feel like I’m going backwards atm. Feel like there’s all this pressure building up inside of me and I’m going to explode. I just feel broken inside with overwhelming depression symptoms.

I don’t have the energy to help myself.

Back to dreading tomorrow. I don’t want to do anything. But I have to because that’s not how life works. Gotta make time aka pain pass somehow. Can’t just fast forward.

And some old intrusive suicidal thoughts r popping back up. Just trying to tell myself it’s my mental illness. Haven’t come this far to only come this far. I’ve survived all my worst days. And it would destroy my family.

Harm urges. Haven’t given into them yet, but honestly kinda tempted.

It’s hard to know what to do with myself when I feel like this. Have to focus on one moment at a time. But when I’m like this, even that is hard.

I just want to shut down. I mean like just lie in my bed and never do anything and just cry and stare into empty space.

But there’s stuff I have to do like work and tafe. And i havent enjoyed anything in ages. And I don’t want to be around people.

 

Guess right now I’m just venting because I feel so broken and like I’m going to burst and going backwards is so confusing and it’s hard to believe I’ll feel better.

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-11-2021 01:30 AM

And it’s so easy to feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people who love and support me and I wish I knew someone with bipolar disorder who also feels like this and who somewhat understands me and I don’t know anyone

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-11-2021 01:35 AM

And when I feel like this I still can't help but wonder if the bipolar diagnosis is right because why aren't the medications being more helpful and I still don't know if I'm convinced about the whole hypo mania thing and I need to fall asleep because I have an early start tom but I'm crying and need to calm myself down but kinda don't want to because I'm stuck in that self sabotaging annoyed fed up mindset.

urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 
 
 
 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 10-11-2021 11:20 AM

@Akinna I'm so sorry you had such a tough night last night. I really feel for you. 
Did you manage to get some sleep in the end? What are your plans for today?

 

I really like what you said about having made it this far and surviving your worst days - I'm sorry it's been such a battle at times, but it's so true - you, with your courage and tenacity, have survived every single one of your worst days. 💛

Can I ask if there's anything you've drawn on in tough times before that might be useful now?

 

It's so hard feeling alone when you have people around you... I'm wondering if you've ever considered something like joining a support group or doing a therapeutic group where you might be able to meet some people who have an understanding of what you're going through. 

 

When you say you feel like the medications should be more helpful, is there someone you can talk to about that to see if there are options?

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-11-2021 12:04 PM

Yeah @phillipa-RO thankfully did manage to fall asleep. Scrolled through insta for probs 20mins, which distracted me enough to calm down, and listen to audio book as tried to fall asleep.

Just been to work and on my way to TAFE now. My friend is staying home sick which I'm actually glad about because don't really feel like being around people. Then will go home and probs crash in bed.

Haven't really thought about joining a support group. Idk.

In the past, I've just had to focus on each moment and distract myself. But I'm confused because my psychologist said I need to feel my feelings, but they're completely overwhelming and painful. So blocking them is part of my survival strategy. 

There's no pain killers so just have to try to put up with the pain. And when I feel like this, not in a very helpful mood. More just kinda in survival mode.

 

Really just my psychiatrist for meds. Had an app almost 2 weeks ago and said I'm still feeling bad so another increase. Will take 4-6 weeks to help.

It's just such a slow painful process. And going backwards is very confusing.

Last probs two apps gotten the impression psychiatrist was expecting meds to be more helpful by now. Like when I described how I'm still feeling, he doubled checked.

Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

This is a new level of patience. But I'm used to it.

 

But the fact that I'm used to stuff not working is pretty sad because it's hard to believe something will work.

Although last app my psychiatrist said I'm doing really well considering everything. And when mum told him about my scholarship he had a massive smile on his face, which was really nice.

Have psychologist Fri. Always really tempted to stubbornly sit there and say nothing. But I always accidentally end up engaging cause apps are only every 3/4 weeks so I don't want to waste any.

I used to think that if I did something big, like harm, people would realise how bad I am and give me some new form of treatment that actually works. But I've come to the realisation that maybe this is all there is. Everyone is giving me the best they can. So it's really discouraging when it still doesn't work.

But I still can't help but wonder that if I completely shut down and just didn't talk to anyone or do anything if people would do something more and it would actually help.

But at the same time don't want people to worry about me. But struggling.

Still kinda scared the Bipolar diagnosis is wrong. Misdiagnosis sucks.

 

I have to do group work in my first class. But I really just feel like shutting down and not being around anyone.

 

Thanks for ur encouragement.

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-11-2021 01:06 PM

Lol made it through 30mins of Tafe. On my way home cause I feel crap and need a day in bed. Feel like it's the right choice..

 
 
 
 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 10-11-2021 01:36 PM

@Akinna it sounds like you're really in tune with what you need - rest sounds like really good self-care. 

 

I'm so glad you managed to get some sleep last night - sounds like you have a lot of strategies you work hard to draw on when needed. Re: avoiding your emotions, I'm hearing you with that being a survival strategy - have you been able to talk to your psychologist about how much distress it causes when they encourage you to feel your emotions?... I'm just wondering if they could suggest ways to manage that. 
It sounds tough only having appointments every 3-4 weeks - is there an option to see your psychologist more if you want/need to?

 

I empathise with your frustrations re the waiting and lack of solutions - it makes sense that it would be tempting to shut down. It might sound a bit trite, but in my own journey I've found that sometimes things have taken time, but with time there were things that helped. I really hope that happens for you. 

 

I'm wondering if there are any signs of change or hope that you can hold onto for now while you wait? For example, I'm noticing how you were able to tell your lecturer you were having a flare up - it sounds like it was confronting, but also a huge step as it was something you weren't able to do when you were at school. Being honest like that takes so much courage. Or even taking the step of knowing what you need today and going home from TAFE.

 

Re: support groups, I know they're not for everyone so it's just a thought, but people at a group do share an experience or perspective in a way other people might not be able to do. There are online and in person groups for all sorts of different things - eg. outpatient programs at hospitals, or groups like Alt2Su (in NSW but Zoom is for any state), Bipolar Australia, Activate or Blackdog Institute. As I say, they're not for everyone but just mentioning it in case it's something you want to look into. 

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 02-11-2021 02:06 PM

Just venting

Depression flare up again these last couple days (I had like a day break between these two latest flare ups).

Spent yesterday in bed, which I rarely do. Just had no energy

Made it to Tafe today. But it's a struggle.

Just back to being completely apathetic, unmotivated and depressed. Not interested in anything.

Idk if anyone else gets this. But I get this achey pain in my chest with my depression.

Trying to be kind to myself, but it's hard cause I have high expectations. I'm used to being high functioning but that's hard atm.

 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 02-11-2021 03:31 PM

@Akinna I'm really sorry to hear you've had a flare up of depression - it sounds so hard. 

I wish there was something I could say - I know words don't really change things, but for what it's worth we're here and we care.

I really empathise when you talk about the pain in your chest - I've experienced that at times and it's not an easy thing to go through. 💜
Do you find it eases sometimes - if so, have you noticed anything that helps?

 

How was it being at TAFE today? 

I think it's really positive that you're trying to be kind to yourself despite your high expectations. I think it's also meeting a really high standard to allow yourself to prioritise your own needs.

 

I'm not sure if that makes sense, but speaking for myself in some ways I've found it kind of easier to sacrifice my own needs in order to meet people's expectations. Other people would tell me it was a good thing ('high functioning'), but it never felt very functional really - it came at a cost. 

Sometimes the hard (and authentic) road for me at least is allowing myself to be vulnerable, allowing myself to stop, or set boundaries, or know my limits. 

 

That's just my experience... but if you could do anything you need right now without worrying about expectations or responsibilities, is there anything you think would be helpful and kind to you?

 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 05-11-2021 11:07 AM

Yeah I get what u mean @Philippa-RO Being high functioning is good that u get stuff done. But that stuff has often come at the cost of my mental health. I guess for me, bring high functioning really means that I don't prioritise myself over my mental health and I used to overwork to distract myself. I mean I'm proud of myself for pushing through, and I've accomplished some cool stuff.

But maybe I could try and readjust my expectations. For me, my high expectations are expecting to function like a healthy person. Whereas I guess high expectations could really be prioritisng myself.

I get what u mean about being authentic and vulnerable. I've def improved at telling people how I am. It's hard, but I've learnt it's important. It takes courage and is scary. Still trynna get better.

 

The chest pain is directly related to how bad my depression is.

 

Some good stuff has happened this week. I found out I got that scholarship award. I was so happy when I found that the missing girl Cleo was found (I live in WA). 

And I found out last night that my Aunty is pregnant!!! She's only 6 weeks so far, so they want us to keep it a secret until she gets to three months. But this is an anonymous forum so I can talk about it on here 😆 

I don't have little cousins. I only have two older cousins who I'm not close to. So I'm so excited to be a big cousin!

The sad thing is they currently live in QLD, we live in WA. But I think they might be planning on moving back when my uncle finished his apprenticeship in two years. But it's still sad we can't all be as involved as we'd like.

But it's still so exciting!

This is their first kid. They'd talked on and off about having kids. My aunty has always wanted kids. And then this surprise came along. When the test was positive, my uncle's first reaction was, 'get another one' 😂 she took 3 or 4 then got a blood test for sure 😂😂😂 I think they're shocked and excited.

And it's pretty cool because mum and dad were married ten years before they had their first kid (me). And my aunty and uncle have just had their 10th wedding anniversary!

I really want it to be a girl, but of course will still love it if it's a boy.

 

I was surprised how these bits of good news momentarily made me feel a little better. I don't really look forward to anything because I don't enjoy anything. So this was a nice change.

 

 

Spoiler

But at the same time I still feel pretty garbage. So often I wake up grumpy and angry for no reason. Yesterday mum and I got annoyed at each other and that really upset me (all good now). And last night I felt like I really crashed.

I've gone over a month without harming. But the visible signs of my harm looks so ugly.

And these suicidal and harm intrusive thoughts just jumped into my head. And they're still kinda here this morning. I'm still not acting on them. But that still doesn't change that they're unpleasant to have.

Hard to find the balance between feeling my feelings and thinking positive and trying to help myself. Hate toxic positivity. But it is possible to help myself. But sometimes I don't want to. And I need to feel my feelings.

Confusion.

 

 

Off to Tafe. At least I have my fav lecture. Work this afternoon. I feel like I have to drag myself through each day. Nothing new. But doesn't change the fact that it's not fun.

Anyway off I go again.

 
 
 
 
TOM-RO
TOM-ROPosted 05-11-2021 07:50 PM

It sounds like a complex mix of good and bad @Akinna ! Which is very much a reality of life, so im glad to hear you are taking the good with the bad. It also sounds like an exciting new journey for you and your family. As stressful as pregnancy is, I can imagine that its a wonderful blessing for the parents, and for all the cousins too! Ultimately i think that even though there are difficult times, the fact that you can recognise these positive changes in your life, so clearly, indicates that you have the tools for positive thinking! I hope you can keep us up to date with all the family antics @Akinna😄

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 26-10-2021 11:44 AM

Ok this is something I'm kinda confused about

I've had a bad few days. Overwhelming anger, depression, emptiness, apathy. Harm urges that have been hard to not give in to, but I've done it. But I'm not suicidal.

Which is great. Being suicidal sucks. I still get intrusive thoughts, but they're not a big deal.

But I'm so used to being suicidal... I constantly compare how I am now to how I have been in the past. I'm not ok. But it's hard to validate that when I've been so much worse in the past.

 

And this is the confusing part...

I'm used to asking for help when I'm suicidal, because there was a clear reason. I needed to stay safe.

Now, I'm not ok. Do I need help? Idk. Idk how to handle not being ok but not being suicidal. If I talk to people telling them I'm not ok, I want to be able to tell them how to help me so the conversation has a point. But I don't know of anything people can do to help me. Idk how to help myself because I'm hurting and confused.

And to make things worse... Last week I was talking to the lecturer who seems to keep on top of student wellbeing, telling him I've been feeling better lately. And I had been. 

But now I'm embarrassed because I'm not ok again. I know this is normal, healing isn't linear. But I guess I'm scared that if I told him today I'm not ok, I would look stupid. A liar? Idk. He would probably understand. But I'm kinda embarrassed none the less because I can't explain why I felt better then and why I don't now.

 

This sucksssssss I'm currently loudly listening to music that matches my mood. I've download Netflix episodes and brought a book to Tafe. Started watching young Sheldon yesterday and it's hilarious, it was a good escape.

I do not feel like doing any work in class but I'll take each moment at a time and see how I go. Just super confused.

Wanna cry but it's physically hard for me to cry.

I don't want to do today but there's not anything I want to do so yeah. This sucks.

 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 26-10-2021 02:43 PM

@Akinna I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I think you're spot on when you say healing isn't linear, but it's an easy thing to say sometimes and not so easy to feel. 

It makes sense that it's hard to validate how you're feeling when you feel like things have been worse before. This is your experience right now and it's completely valid - it doesn't mean you'll feel the same way tomorrow or next week, but you deserve support and compassion for what you're going through now. I feel like most people who understand mental health would understand that things can change. 

It sounds like you think your lecturer would probably understand, but it's hard not being able to explain why you felt better before and not now... I guess I'm wondering if there's any need to explain it? I know for myself there isn't usually an explanation for the way I'm feeling really - it just is what it is. Sometimes I find I cause myself more pain when I judge my feelings and tell myself I shouldn't have them, and things become a bit more manageable if I can allow them some space.
Again, I know it's easy to say though. 


Do you have supportive people around who you can talk to or is there anything that helps?
eg. If you're not feeling like doing today is there the option to do some self-care and nurturing and relax with young Sheldon, without having to do anything else?

I feel for you - the pain in your words is really obvious and I wish there was something we could do to help ease it, but we're here to listen. 💛

 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 26-10-2021 07:39 PM

Thanks @Philippa-RO I am hurting a lot but I think I’ve gotten to a point where as confusing and painful as this is I’ve somewhat accepted that this is an illness that won’t just disappear. There is treatment and it is manageable and I’m still learning about it and my meds probs aren’t completely sorted out.

But of course, this doesn’t change the fact that right now this is so hard and painful.

 

I’m a logical person, I like to analyse everything and for it all to make sense. I hadn’t really thought that my feelings don’t have to make sense and it’s ok to be confused. It probably is easier sometimes to just sit with them rather than try to make sense of them because that’s just impossible sometimes.

 

I went to my classes but was just completely zoned out. Listened to music the whole of the first class. Stayed zoned out in my second class. Was going to have to write some work on the board and talk to the class, so before I asked my lecturer if I could just not do that because I’m having a bad day, which he was fine with.

I wasn’t anxious, but before and after I talked to him my heart started beating harder and my hands were shaking so I couldn’t really write, then my legs were really jittery. Better to let stuff out that way than harming I guess.

Idk I just get easily upset when people show in the tiniest way they genuinely care. Weird. It’s kinda like a reality check. Or it forces me to stop zoning out. Or it makes me feel and that’s just a whole other story.

 

Yeah my fam is very supportive. Don’t really know what else anyone can do though.

 

Back at that stage where I’m looking forward for the day to end but not looking forward to tomorrow or anything else so  there’s no point in looking forward for today to end because it’s not going to make a difference.

Anyway guess I’m living on autopilot again at the moment (something I’m pretty good at). Just zoned out and doing what I have to do.

 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 26-10-2021 09:42 PM

Hey @Akinna

 

I am hearing that in some ways you are feeling optimistic about managing your mental health.. but on the other hand you also find it confusing and difficult to sit with some of your feelings. This doesn't take away the fact that things are difficult and painful for you, even if you have felt worse in the past. It also doesn't mean that how are you feeling now should be easy in comparison.

 

It is great that you were able to talk to your lecturer. They seem really understanding of how things in class might be difficult for you when you are struggling Heart It sounds like things have been really hard for you over these last few days.. so maybe someone showing they care was a moment that you really needed today.

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 22-10-2021 08:53 PM

To start off… I feel like crying.

Today I caught up with my really good friends, which I was looking forward to. And it was good. We haven’t been together in ages but it’s one of those friendships where it doesn’t matter how long we are apart, when we get together it’s just like normal.

 

I enjoy being with them. But only cognitively because I just can’t feel anything.

So then I get triggered and upset because I realise even though I’m with some of my favourite people and having a good time, I don’t feel any different to how I normally do. They’re laughing and having a good time and probably feel genuinely happy. But I still just feel numb and depressed. And realising that is really upsetting.

This happens so often in social situations

Last time I was with them, I was walking around the city with them, just getting more depressed and suicidal. And they didn’t know.

 

They know I have bipolar, and I’m not the only one with a mental illness.

But it sucks when you see your friends enjoying life and feeling happy, and you literally cannot feel anything except overwhelming depression.

It’s easy to get caught up with how unfair this all is. So I try to remind myself that I’m sick. And I just try to accept that. Although hopefully I will keep getting better, although I have no idea what that looks or feels like.

 

Another time a got triggered earlier today…

Had my favourite lecturer. I talked to him end of last term because I was struggling with an assignment because of bipolar. And he was super nice about that.

He’s always really nice. He has a dad vibe to him and reminds me of my old guitar teacher.

Anyway today he literally just asked me how I was going. I said I was ‘going.’ But this interaction was really triggering for some reason. Not completely sure why but I’m guessing…

It’s always so touching when people show they care because it’s easy to feel they don’t and it’s touching when they are kinder to me than I am to me.

Also… I’m not suicidal, which is amazing. But I’m still struggling a lot. It’s hard, and lately mornings are always hard. I try and think positive and play upbeat music and use strategies to help myself. But when he asked me I realised, ‘Oh crap. I’m coping, but I still feel really crap.’

It’s easy to think that I should be able to handle this no probs after what I’ve been through. So I need to keep reminding myself that this is hard and that’s ok.

I found it hard to work in class because I was anxious about being judged. But avoidance is bad so I tried.

That interaction triggered me into feeling so awful.

But this lecturer is just so nice. Like when I left and was saying bye and he was saying bye back, he was looking at me and gave me a knowing wink.

 

I just don’t know. Today has been hard. I feel exhausted.

And I’m a bit stressed because I have TAFE work to do and I’m running out of time to do it. I should do it now but I feel pretty awful.

I’m not looking forward to going to work tomorrow either so I better stop myself from thinking about tomorrow.

I need to do TAFE work but I don’t think I’m up to it. I need to rest and be kind to myself. But I’m running out of time to do it but I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything at the moment.

But I don’t feel like doing anything (completely normal) and I don’t want to do anything and Idk what would make me feel better.

So yeah I love long posts.

 
 
Maddy-RO
Maddy-ROPosted 22-10-2021 09:42 PM

Hi @Akinna, it sounds like there's a lot going on for you at the moment, and lots of thoughts in your mind. We're glad that you've shared them with us and hope that getting them off your chest has been at least a little bit helpful for you.

 

I'm sorry to hear that going out with your friends upset you. I can hear that you are comparing yourselves to others a lot, and sort of beating yourself up for feeling down or feeling nothing, which makes situations that you are cognitively enjoying unenjoyable. That must be really tough. In those moments, it might be helpful to try and focus on the enjoyment of the moment, rather than getting caught up in your own head. Accept that you are experiencing cognitive enjoyment and take a moment to really feel and become aware of that and appreciate that, instead of focusing on the fact that you are still feeling a bit flat. I know it is easier said than done, but I encourage you to give it a try and see how you go. Essentially what I am encouraging you to do is to practice mindfulness. Also try to remind yourself that feeling better won't happen suddenly, so the fact that you're out and experiencing cognitive enjoyment is a step in the right direction.

 

I'm really glad to hear that you are not suicidal and that you have a nice lecturer, and some really awesome friends. It's also really good that you are not avoiding things, so please remember to take a moment to tap yourself on the back for taking these small steps towards better mental health, which will all add up in the longer term.

 

It might also be helpful to try to remind yourself that approximately 50% of the population will experience a mental health disorder at some point in their lifetime. I'm not saying this to invalidate or minimise your experience, but to let you know that you are not alone in having mental health struggles. And even though people may appear happy on the outside, it does not always mean that they feel happy on the inside, in the same way that your friends were unaware of your increasing suicidal and depressed feelings when you were with them last time.

 

I hope you dont mind me giving you some suggestions.

 

We are here to listen and support you.

 

How might you be kind to yourself this weekend?

 

❤️

 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 22-10-2021 10:06 PM

yeah thanks @Maddy-RO

I get what you're saying about mindfulness. It's just hard. My thoughts never stop. And I constantly feel disconnected from everything. But it is a good suggestion.

It's hard to be patient with recovery. It's a very confusing process. I'm constantly having to remind myself that i'm sick, that recovery isn't linear, and to be kind to myself and celebrate small victories. And just when I feel like I'm on top of things, i come crashing down again like I have today.

I know this will eventually pass. but that doesn't change the fact that right now I'm hurting and feel pretty awful.

i'm just so confused and idk why

thank you for not just giving the statistics, but also explaining why you were giving them. not enough people do that, and it's very invalidating and discouraging when they don't.

that thought had actually crossed my mind that my friends might not feel as happy as they look. but i'm a very empathetic person. so idk what thought is worse... me feeling awful alone or other people feeling awful with me.

but i think it is a good thing to remember mental illness is common. it's not some strange alien thing that only you suffer from.

it's good to remember i'm not alone, but i hate the thought of other people suffering. i guess because i've only really experienced the suffering and feeling suicidal, i haven't experienced much of the feeling better part. so hopefully not everyone feels as bad as this, or they're at least able to progress faster. but again, it is nice to know you're not alone. ik lots of people with mental illness. i just don't know anyone with bipolar disorder which is a little sad. well, my friend's aunty has type one, but i've only met her once briefly years ago. but thankfully i am feeling more understood than i used to and i've gotten much better at talking and explaining how i feel.

mine (mental illness) does seem to be more complicated than the people around me though. i mean, i know there are other people worse that i don't know. but progress has been extremely slow. and my psychologist said i'm one of her most challenging patients. which i guess is where i'm trying to accept the fact that bipolar disorder is an illness. a treatable illness. but it is an illness so this isn't my fault or anyone elses. it is complicated and it's ok to feel confused. it may never completely go away and i'll probably need medication for the rest of my life. but that's ok because i can cope and my illness is not my identity and it's not going to stop me from living an amazing life.

like my friend's mum has diabetes, and she does so much. having an illness doesn't have to stop you from doing lots.

but it's.sooooooo constant.

see how complicated and confusing and exhausting this is?

yeah talking and venting is good. i guess this is another form of journalling really, but better because I get a bit of feedback and it helps me feel a little less lonely.

 

right now i'm in bed watching friends. i need to have a shower.

i never know what to expect from each day. but based on today, there's a good chance i'll feel awful tom as well. so i'll just keep using the stratergies i've been using to help myself stop spiralling. reading encouraging affirmations, journalling, music.

i have such high standards and am pretty high functioning, so it's hard not to be harsh on myself when i can't do as much as i expect myself to. so i just need to try and be kind to myself in that respect.

i'm a bit concerned about work tom as my thoughts easily go crazy wondering if i'm doing good enough and comparing myself to everyone else.

and i guess with my tafe work, at the end of the day, i can always email my lecturers to let them know i haven't finished it. they'll be fine. but it's funny because it was just on tuesday i was telling one of my lecturers i've been feeling a bit better lately, which is true. i'm not suicidal. but i'm still struggling a lot. he'll understand that this is constant rollercoaster. 

back to trying to take it one day at a time i guess.

 

seriously, every time i start to type a post, i think it will only be a few sentences. But once i start, i don't really stop!

 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 23-10-2021 10:19 AM

Hey @Akinna

 

It sounds like yesterday was really difficult with a lot running through your mind. I can hear that you know some things to remind yourself with to keep surviving the day, even if it is really difficult and exhausting at times. I hope today is a better day for you, even if things feel just a little more manageable! Heart

 
 
 
 
Eden1717
Eden1717Posted 22-10-2021 10:45 PM

i am sorry things are so difficult for you i can relate to being the difficult patient it is hard and i am sorry you are feeling so alone with your mental illness it is hard when you dont have others around you who can relate. personally i have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type so i can relate somewhat to that side of things but anyway i hope you find some acceptance and support irl soon. 

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 21-10-2021 06:13 PM

I’m still struggling a lot, but able to cope a little better with help of meds but…

I’m constantly emotionally numb. I don't even remember what emotions feel like. Instead, I experience everything cognitively. Like I know I love my family and they love me. But I have no idea what love actually feels like. Instead, I just have this ache/heaviness that lives in my chest.

It's a protective mechanism my brain has made. It's safe and it helps me survive. But my psychologist says I need to try and let my feelings in. And I guess she's right. But after what I've been through, I'm petrified. Emotions have hurt me so much and almost killed me.

And I don't even know how to do ‘feel my feelings.’ I feel disconnected from absolutely everything, including myself. I don't remember not feeling like this.

I've mentioned to my psychologist before how nothing feels real, but haven't probably emphasised how big and constant it is. And I really think it's connected to my emotional numbness.

 

I sometimes like to google how i feel to see if there are other people who feel a similar way or to try and figure it out.

So when I was doing this last night, I came across depersonalisation/derealisation disorder (not self-diagnosing, just researching). 

I find it really hard to cry. Even when I want to, I rarely can. But reading this article made me start to cry, and I’m getting teary thinking about it again. I was reading an exact description of how I feel.

 

https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/feeling-unreal-depersonalisation-derealisation-disorder/

Feeling as if a dream or a trance, emotionally numb, not feeling alive, going through the motions, being like a robot, a sense of disconnection, an absence of feeling, not feeling grounded, detachment from surroundings, feeling disconnected from other people, a feeling of unreality, a lack of a sense of control over one's body, feeling foggy or spacey, a lack of emotional meaning, obsessive rumination about the symptoms or depersonalisation or the nature of existence or the self, experiencing the self as a distant 'voice,' a split between the part of the self which experiences life and the part which observes that experience, feeling cut-off... these are all things listed in this article that describe me exactly. I don't remember not feeling like this.

'as if i'm behind a glass partition,' 'emotional numbing, detachment and separation from the world and the self,' 'there is an intellectual understanding that something is upsetting, but no feelings to go with it,' 'no feelings of love,' 'going through the motions or feeling like a robot,' 'a persistent sense of not being fully alive.' 

As I read all this stuff I was like wow. I haven’t been able to explain this to others. But this article gets me. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

This article talks about how it’s a mental/emotional defence strategy, ‘employed unconsciously to manage unmanageable emotions by shutting down from them… emotions and perceptions are blunted, leading to a feeling of detachment and numbness, of not being fully alive or real, and as if participating in the world at a distance.’ 

This is exactly what’s happened to me.

 

Just urghhhhhhhh

Don’t really know why I’m posting this.

But this article described me in a way that I haven’t been able to describe myself to others. 

Having no emotions is safe, and it’s all I know. But it’s kinda boring. I don’t enjoy anything. I don’t feel excitement, joy, or love. Anything. 

I still don’t trust myself to feel feelings and even if I did, I don’t know how I could because I feel completely disconnected to everything

Guess I’m posting because this article really resonated with me and wanted to see if anyone had any comments.

 
 
Tiny_leaf
Tiny_leafPosted 22-10-2021 02:23 AM

@Akinna

 

I'm sorry about disapearing, my health's been up and down but I'm back now!

 

I just want to say that I had a really similar thing when I was young (though I didn't have your research skills!).

And your psychologist is right unfortunately.

If letting yourself feel your emotions is frigtening, maybe you could start off by making sure you're in a safe environment before letting them out?

Like maybe you could watch an emotional movie (with a happy ending) with your sister or mum?

For me, books were a really good way to let myself feel again at a pace I was comfortable with, and I could make sure I was feeling safe when I started reading.

Welcome back!

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