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TW: i don’t know :(

i feel like im screaming for help. im so fucking done. im just better off dead. im so lost. lost in the tide. im so sick and tired of pretending im fine because IM NOT !!! im going insane and nobody can see that. eghhhh fml i just want it to all end now. its so dark here, it’s so dark. im drowning. im dead. i just see this dead person in myself. when we had a lock down at school the other day and the siren was so loud. i actually felt dead like i wasn’t living. i just sat under my table as if i was dead. wtf is wrong with me. im mad. i feel like nothing is going into my mind. everything is going in one ear and coming out of the other. i feel disconnected from my body like im staring at it from high up. i guess im numb but these dark thoughts are so scary. someone pull me out from this. i feel so bad because i feel like im always a problem everyday and always complaining on Reach Out but it’s the truth. THERE IS NO LIGHT !!! im so desperate to drown myself out of my life. 

 

im so sorry i really needed to vent and im so sorry for always being in a dark place everyday and barely being positiveSmiley Sad

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

Hi there @litgym, that sounds so awful Smiley Sad

Does venting help? No need to apologise for how you're feeling - sometimes being positive is not possible. That's okay. 

 

The important, and admirable, thing is that you always reach out and talk about these strong thoughts and feelings - even when you are feeling like there is no light, your safety is the most important thing.

I can hear that you are having thoughts of ending your life - could you call KHL today and speak to someone there about how dark things are? 

I'm also wondering if planning an activity as a distraction, for later today, would help - maybe going for a walk with your fav playlist, buying a yummy treat or something else?

 

Even when you feel in darkness, you show others on the forum such compassion and light to them on their dark days. Remember that Heart

 

Watch out for an email too Heart

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Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@gina-RO i guess venting helps a bit. thanks for being so kindHeart

 

i think ill chat on webchat tonight when one of my preferred counsellors is working. i feel so desperate though. i speak to them at least once a week because things are so bad but i feel like im such a waste of time. 

 

im off “sick” today but really i just needed a mental health day so i can’t really go for a walk or that is really suspicious. i might just listen to my self-love playlist.

 

i try so hard but it’s too much. i don’t think anyone understands how im feeling. im not dead but im not alive either. i just don’t know how much longer i can continue.

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@litgym go you for taking a mental health day! chatting once a week to KHL sounds like it's useful though -but that feeling of being a waste of time must be hard to overcome - (because you are of course not a waste of time at all but just as deserving as everyone to receive support and access recovery) 

Listening to your self-love playlist is a good idea. 

 

Maybe you could talk to the KHL counsellor today specifically about what next for you? Talk about if there is anything you could be adding into your weekly routine to help you feel like you've moving forward and less stuck?

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Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@gina-RO unfortunately my usual preferred counsellor doesn’t work today so im going to talk to my other one expect he doesn’t know that i don’t want to live anymore so there will be a lot to explain. 

 

im not sure what ill tell my usual counsellor on the phone next week, ill probably just cry again. i don’t really know what’s next for me, im kind of just stuck in the one place neither moving forward or back :/

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@litgym I can hear how sad and painful these feelings are for you right now. I want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug <3

As @gina-RO said well done you for taking a mental health day. I'm proud of you for that!

It sounds like you're feeling quite stuck with everything, and that is okay. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and it will take time for things to change, and it IS hard work, but YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! <3

I wonder if you would feel comfortable sending an email to your preferred counsellor sometime before you speak to them next week?
I found that sending an email gave the counsellor the knowledge of what was going on for me, and it felt less pressure to get it out while talking/seeing them. DO you think this may work for you?

 


Monday's Getting Real: Coping with Holiday Blues
Don't forget to practice self-care regularly!

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Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@Bee you’re too sweet, thank youHeart this made me tearyHeart

 

i hear you, it’s just so hard because nothing is changing and ive been in this dark place for so long. 

 

yeah i might email her Smiley Happy i never find it hard to get things off my chest, she is like the ONLY person in the world who i trust and i know she cares and listens to me. just when i call her i cry because i dont have anyone else, you know ? everything is so real when you verbalise it and not type it. but i do like the idea of emailing her because then she may be able to understand more.

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

You are very welcome @litgym

It absolutely makes sense. And it's okay to cry about it. It can be hard when theres limited people you can really trust. I've been there, and in a way still am in some scenarios. But even if there is only one or two people you can really trust and be completely open with - it still helps you and your recovery ❤

 


Monday's Getting Real: Coping with Holiday Blues
Don't forget to practice self-care regularly!

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

@Bee Heart

 

i just hate it so much because i don’t know this person in person and i wish i did. she has saved my life and i don’t have anyone else. i reckon ill send her email soon ish Smiley Happy

Re: TW: i don’t know :(

Hey @litgym,

Sooo sorry you're going through a tough time! Just remember you've been brave enough to get through these past years even though you've suffered. We all care about you! 

I don't know this Councillor but I am thankful that you trust her & that she saved you! 

An email sounds like a great idea, you CAN get through this.

I saw this quote (@gina-RO, I'm feeling really quotey today!Smiley LOL)

 “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” 
― Charles Dickens

And I feel like this applies to you somewhat. Even though you feel like you're drowning - Just keep swimming - you still have the heart & compassion to give fantastic advice and support to everyone on RO. I think I can say on behalf of everyone that you have made a major difference to everyone's lives & we too can;t thank you enough.

 

**Completely huge, mammoth, monstrous (and a whole bunch of other big words) Hugs**HeartHeartHeartHeartHeartHeartHeartHeartHeart