I'm super new here and have decided to try get some things off of my chest. Basically my mother says some things that make me feel like a terrible piece of nothing, it didn't used to be that often, just when we fought, now though she just snaps at the littlest things. I have a learning disorder, anxiety and depression so it is difficult for me at the best of times to understand things and as soon as i don't she just starts swearing and yelling. I am wanting to move away from home for uni next year and she has me convinced that I will be dead within a day without her, I know that this isn't true but I am so scared to leave. I have been seeing a phycologist for years about various things and every time i bring something up they connect it back to something she has said/ done. She has never really physically attacked me but I am in my final year at school and have enough stress without continuously questioning every single thought that passes through my head to see if it is toxic. It's already hard enough to do anything for school when I'd just rather not exist. So i guess my question and worry is - is this a form emotional abuse because I never even thought about it until my therapist said something? Also, she is very controlling - not letting me have my phone in an private space without permission and only at day time then, reading my messages and stuff so I have to talk to my friends in person whenever I need to vent - is this normal??
Thank you ❤️
Re: mum troubles
Hey welcome to ReachOut @utterly
I'm sorry your having issues with your mum, it does sound really hard.
There's a really cool service called 1800 RESPECT, they offer counselling and support for people experiencing abuse or just questioning it, you can check them out Here
Is there a way you could talk to your mum about how she is affecting you.
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire
Re: mum troubles
I'm reluctant to use the word "normal" ever, but I definitely think that your mum's behaviour is having a bad impact on you, and that's not fair or helpful for you.
It sounds like you don't have much personal space. Are there things you could do to try and take back some of that control? Even if it's just a small thing, like messaging a friend to vent and then deleting the message before she sees it?
Thinking of you!
Re: mum troubles
Welcome to the forums. I just want to first congratulate you on having the courage to reach out here for support. I can already see that you are working really hard to address this problem and have already been taking steps to help yourself. Good on you!!
I am also really sorry that this is happening to you. From personal experience, I acknowledge how hard it can be when a close family member says things to bring you down about "not understanding something right away" as it can make you feel not good enough. I can see that this has been a feeling for you from what you have mentioned. It does sound like your mother is being quite controlling. Has anyone spoken to you about ways to talk to your mum about how her comments and behaviour are effecting you? It can be really difficult. Though there are some fantastic skills out there that you can develop to help you get through this. Have you heard of assertiveness? It can be helpful to set small goals for yourself and focus on how you feel about them and make steps to reach those goals. This can be a good distraction from some of the things your mother is doing and saying.
Your question about whether this is a form of emotional abuse is a tricky one. Has your psychologist told you much about it? You mentioned that things you have said in your sessions have connected to conversations with your mum. I'm wondering how you feel about that?
I remember when I first started to learn about emotional abuse. I had no idea that that was what I was experiencing and it changed my whole perspective on my life and the things i did and said. I began questioning whether the things I did were because it was normal, or because it was as a result of the treatment I received from a parent growing up. I do encourage you to learn more about it, especially if you are worried. It doesn't make you or your mum a bad person. But it may help clear up an understanding of why certain things are happening and it can help you get past this.
You also mentioned the idea of wanting to leave home. Have you spoken much to anyone about this? I am wondering whether you have been given any information and guidance about that kind of decision? It is a bit easier to look into these things and make decisions once you are aware of the postives, negatives and what you would be getting yourself into.
Lastly - i know headspace and youth beyond blue and even the Reach Out fact sheets have some useful information about these things. Feel free to check them out some time.
Please keel us updated! And well done again for reaching out.
Things to check out:
Infobus is back, and we spoke to Livewire about all things chronic illness and music. Check it out
Is there a topic you'd like to talk about? Suggest it for a GR here!
Self love: Share three things you like about yourself!
Seen something fantastic on the forums?
Click here to nominate awesome posts for a Friday Five!