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my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

just earlier tonight, my dad heard news that his mum is in the hospital in critical condition. he told me and i overheard him in another room swearing under his breath and started closing doors louder etc. he went to visit her in the hospital by himself and came back and was worse - i didn't see it but i heard loud banging noises presumably from him throwing stuff around, and later i discovered he threw his phone at the wall and probably smashed it. he then went to his room and slammed the door and ignored me when i asked what the loud noise was, and then proceeded to hit or kick the door after he closed it. he's asleep now. 

the thing is that this has happened numerous times. last time it happened, it happened in an almost identical way and i became very scared and considered calling the police or going to a neighbours house, but this time i tried to keep calm. he later explained that it was because he was tired from work, so i got that worked up for something that small so that upset me. it's just so frustrating because my mum knows this is a problem in general and to me this behaviour should not be tolerated at all, but she just tolerates it Smiley Sad he has symptoms consistent with BPD in my opinion. this could really affect my relationships in the future since i have a poor role model but i know that i would never for a second tolerate that behaviour by myself. it would just really help to have someone here to offer support because i don't know if i can talk about it to anyone at school or anything.

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

Hey @priyaaaa 

I'm sorry to hear that you have so much going on. It sounds like this is a really scary situation, thank you for telling us about it. It must be really unsettling when your dad gets really angry, how are you going today?

I know you said that you're not sure who to talk to about this, that would be really tough and I'm glad that you've decided to tell us about it. Is there anyone in your life or at school that you can think of that you would feel safe to open up to about this? Maybe your grades wellbeing coordinator?

We are here to support you however we can @priyaaaa, and I think you're really strong to commit to saying this is behaviour you wouldn't tolerate. I'm wondering if your family has had any other support?

This is a lot to be going through, I'm so sorry your dads mum is so unwell and there is so much stress for your family. You really deserve to do something nice for yourself, is there anything that you do to make yourself feel a bit better? Heart 

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

Hi @priyaaaa, I'm sorry that this happens to you Smiley Sad and I can definitely relate to that cus my dad was also emotionally unstable and had anger issues, which makes me lived in a scary environment. Honestly, having a family member with anger issues will influence a person a lot, well, at least it influences me a lot. I had anxiety and depression because I had to worry about whether he would lose his temper every moment when I was at home, and it also made me have some anger issues and I noticed that when I was in a relationship. I think you are pretty great and have some consciousness with the situation because you notice that might influence you before the problem happens Smiley Very Happy, so you can prevent and monitor your behaviours early. And please speak out and ask for help if you have some psychological stress or other issues because of your family situation, we are here helping you Smiley Very Happy

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

@Hannah-RO i'm doing better now and his mood has improved, but it's just a constant situation where me and my mum try to watch out for his change in mood as much as possible. up until today he skipped work and was on the couch all day depressed, blatantly ignoring my mum and i if we tried to talk to him.

when he has these outbursts, the first thing my mum always asks me is 'did you do anything' (as in to provoke it which is really frustrating). there's pretty much no one else i can confide in about it except for my mum because i've only just started hanging out with a new friend group at school and i don't know if i should open up to them about stuff that personal yet.

my family hasn't had support specifically for these outbreaks as we just deal with it by ourselves, but my parents have been to counselling individually when my dad was battling addiction. i don't really feel as if it's enough of a problem to get help about it as nothing can be changed about it, only how i myself handle it. 

thank you for your kind words and validating what i'm going through. my dad's mum is now in stable condition, but will remain in hospital until further notice. he's been visiting her. i called my friend today which took my mind off everything for a while but when those tantrums happen i try to have compassion for myself and affirm that it's not my fault and this is temporary, i'll be living away from him one day. 

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

@Macaria i'm really sorry you went through something similar, and that it's affected you in such a profound way. that feeling of being trapped because these are the people you live with is really hard and it's unbelievable to think that person is supposed to be your role model. 

thank you so much, i really feel for people who pick up toxic behaviours from their caretakers. he's doing better but like how you felt, i'm scared that it'll probably happen again since it's happened before.

the only real outlet i have to voice my stress is my mum and this forum as i'm kind of scared to be vulnerable with others. i don't want to vent to them without looking for a solution because there isn't one. again, thank you for voicing your support. 

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

Hey @priyaaaa,

 

I recognise that it can be very difficult to live with your parents and want to find a solution that will help change things.  It must be very stressful to watch out for your dad's mood.  I can imagine that it would be very difficult to predict them and what it must take from you and your mum to try and manage this.     

 

It's so great that you have found the forum.  Please remember that your school would have supports in place if you ever needed to speak to someone face to face and your mum is not available for any reason.  Of course it is understandable that you may want to sus them out first before your divulge personal information about yourself, a school counsellor is just one option.

 

It's wonderful to hear that your dad's mum is stable now.  Being compassionate with yourself is a very powerful stance to take with yourself when the tantrums happen, it can be hard to do that.  Indeed you will live away from your father one day, hopefully you can find some solace before then.  

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

@MaryRO yeah, it's just disheartening to know that even if i do seek support or help, in the end there's nothing i can change or do about his behaviour until i don't live with my family anymore

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

That is incredibly frustrating @priyaaaa - I'm really glad to hear that you do feel comfortable venting about this with us and your mum. Like you mentioned, sometimes it really is the case that you can't do much except vent

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

Hi @priyaaaa

Thankyou so much for your post! I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through, it is so exhausting when you're constantly on high alert, waiting for someone's next reaction, not to mention the stress of not feeling safe. 

 

As someone who has had rage issues myself in the past, I wanted to emphasise that how he chooses to react is NEVER your fault - we are all responsible for how we treat others and respond. However, it sounds like perhaps your Dad is experiencing his own mental health challenges that are fuelling his anger?? I realised in the end I wasn't actually angry, but rather ashamed, stressed and depressed, using anger as my defence mechanism. 

This does not justify his actions, however it might help you to understand why he is acting the way he is, and allow you to put boundaries in place. 

 

I was wondering if your dad would ever seek professional help or be open to that suggestion? I completely understand if not, but it might be worth having an honest conversation about how his responses impact you with the support of your mum and perhaps a professional ?? 

Re: my dad is very emotionally volatile and has anger issues

@GioDes thank you for reassuring that it's not my fault. he was in a stressful situation and most likely has mental health challenges. he was angry upon hearing the news and i overheard him scold himself for not calling his mum that week, and then she was in hospital.

i'm not sure how i can place boundaries about this, i just need to figure out what i can do when it happens. the two most recent times it's happened i just shut myself in my room and listen to music or watch a movie. 

he probably would be confused if the subject of professional health was brought up because it's technically not a long-term issue. in the past he's rejected seeing a counsellor when his mental health was worse years ago, and refused to go to rehab when he was struggling with addiction. he knows that these tantrums i have affect and worry my mum and i in the moment because he doesn't speak to us about it and just cracks it and shuts himself in his room. the last time it happened, my mum talked to him about it and he said sorry to me, but now i just think those apologies mean nothing because apologies are meaningless without changed behaviour.