Friend not doing well, I don't know what's wrong
Hi, just coming in to try and get some advice?
I'm really worried about a friend, during lockdown he's acted really weird. I don't know if he's got depression or something, we don't talk about it very much, but the way he's talking now is really worrying. He seems to just hate his life, and I don't know what to say to make him feel better. He keeps saying things along the lines of 'I suck', and 'I hate people'. I'm pretty sure he's also doing drugs, but he doesn't talk about it much, and honestly, I don't know how to even BEGIN that conversation. He's helped me through some pretty dark places in my life, and I really want to pay that back, but I don't know how.
Any advice?
Thanks so much.
Comments
These situations can be really tough so I hope you're taking care of yourself as well! Sometimes in situations like this I think little gestures can go a long way, for example I've had a few friends going through tough times during lockdown so I sent them little gifts in the mail like flowers or cookies with a card to remind them I love them, these kind of acts might just remind him that you're there and you care about him even if he doesn't feel like opening up just yet.
@Ani_Faeth hi there, it's great to have you here, and it sounds like you are trying your best to be a supportive friend. It can be hard not knowing how to help someone despite our best intentions. A good cover-all would be to say "I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything or just need someone to listen." That way you are giving him the space to make his own choice but he knows you are standing by- whilst looking after yourself emotionally in the meantime, of course!
If he's doing drugs and potentially other self-damaging behaviours and seeming super low, try and encourage him to speak to a trusted adult or reach out to an online resource- offer to help him with this if you feel comfortable. Let us know you go- he is lucky to have you!
Hey @Tay100 , thanks so much for the reply! Yeah I'm definitely trying to make sure I look after myself as well as him. I genuinely don't think he trusts any adults, I could try asking him, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. I'll definitely give it a go though, I'm running out of ideas myself.
Again, thanks so much for the reply.
Ive been in that situation where ive wanted to open us so badly and just word vomit but I just couldn't open my mouth - I think maybe something to consider it probing a little. Not too much that he feels youre really pushing but enough where if he feels he wants to talk that little nudge might be enough to open the veil. I hope that makes sense.
So for example maybe try open ended questions e.g. 'why do you think you suck?', 'why do you hate people?' - this might lead you into deeper conversation where he feels like he can truly open up. This might also help the drug conversation.
You're a really good friend for thinking so in depth about this and seeking help on how to help him - hes lucky to have you
Hey @Wolfie_ , Thanks so much for the response. I've asked those exact questions! He was acting real weird one night, and the next morning I asked him if he was alright, and he responded with something about doing copious amounts of drugs the night before... I asked him why, and he responded 'Is trying to die a bad answer?' I don't think he's serious about that, but it kinda broke my heart to read it. I asked him why he wanted to die, and he responded 'People never change and they suck and they never try not to suck.' I don't know how to respond to that! I asked him if he was upset because he thought he sucked, or other people sucked, and he responded that he sucked. We had a bit of a conversation about it, but whenever I tried to tell him that he didn't suck whatsoever, he just didn't respond, or completely changed the subject. I don't know what to do with that!
@Ani_Faeth hiya, it sounds like he is in a rough headspace himself, which is never good to thing to see, and we understand that this must be distressing for you, as it can be easy to feel helpless in situations like this.
If you haven't already, would you consider just suggesting him to seek out a mental health resource- maybe name a few? Just say these may be helpful but don't but any put any pressure or deadlines- he can just seek it if he wants. This means you've been a good friend, but the agency remains with him. Setting boundaries and other forms of self-care seem important for you, right now. You are doing all you can, and you can continue too- just make sure you are pouring from a full glass. Hope that makes sense.
@Ani_Faeth all good, that is why we are here! Let us know if he responds to that idea. Even some peer support or a youth worker might be better than nothing if he doesn't trust 'older' adults too. Keep us posted if you like 🙂
That sounds really hard @Ani_Faeth...
I think first of all, let him know that you care about him, and that if he needs to talk you're there.
It could be something like "You seem really down at the moment. You matter a lot to me, so please let me know if you need to talk or need help with anything."
Hey @Tiny_leaf .
Thanks so much for that, it really means a lot.
I've told him a lot of times that I'm here if I need him, but they're just awkward conversations with quick endings, and I'm not sure how to change that.
