Scared, ashamed and struggling to understand my sexuality
I consider myself a queer female, as I honestly don't think I fit in perfectly with the label "lesbian" or "bisexual." I have a boyfriend and have been with him for a long time. But over the last few months all I can think about is how much I would prefer to be with a girl again. I feel so terrible and like an awful person, it hurts me so much every day. I feel so confused and my anxiety is through the roof. I am in constant fear and panic. I am scared of leaving him, I am scared to move on and continue exploring my sexuality. I feel so trapped. Not to mention that my family would disown me entirely if I were to ever come out to them. Every day feels like a constant struggle. 
Comments
Hi @blissfulhope!
That sounds so scary and confusing for you. 
I don't think that you're an awful person for having those kind of thoughts, in the same way that you wouldn't be a bad person for experiencing emotions. Attraction and sexuality aren't things that can be helped. It's normal to sometimes be attracted to others and want to explore your sexuality, even if you're in a long-term relationship.
Do you think you would be able to confide in your boyfriend about your feelings? Would he be understanding?
Hey @WheresMySquishy
It is thank you for being so understanding, that really helped me to feel a bit better. That's really true, these things can't be helped, they just happen naturally. I am terrified of telling him, it will really hurt him. But then again that is just how things are... I am so torn on whether it is a good idea to tell him the truth about how I am feeling or just continue explaining that this is not the right time for me to be in a relationship. It's so difficult
@blissfulhope I think you're doing such a great job with trying to improve your mental health. 
I think surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people could be a really good idea. In my experience, it's hard to be around people who are negative or not supportive of you. It can make you feel so free when you can be your true self around people. Sometimes, it can take a long time to work out who is going to be there for you through thick and thin and appreciate you as you truly are. It's a constant learning experience.
I'm glad that the forums have helped you. We're always here for you if you need support and a listening ear. 
I can't tell you whether or not you should tell your boyfriend and what to say to him. But I think that if you do tell him the truth about how you're feeling, he will eventually move on from it. People rarely stay angry or hurt for a long time. He might even appreciate your honesty and maturity if you tell him the truth. If you do end up telling him, you could make it clear that it's not his fault in any way.
I don't think you're being an awful person, i think you're just trying to work out more about who you are and what makes you happy 🙂
Being in constant fear must be really painful, have you had any ideas about what you might be able to do to start moving things in a kinder direction for your own happiness ?
Aww thank you @reach804 I have had a really tough year in terms of my mental health so at the moment in addition to the treatment I am receiving I am trying to reorganise my life to make sure that I can truly be happy in all aspects... even though it's hard.
It is definitely really painful. I have thought about making some new friends who are LGBTQI friendly, surrounding myself with supportive people and perhaps just making the necessary changes in my life, even if that means leaving my boyfriend of one year. I can't fake happiness and I can't continue to pretend to be someone that I am not. I have for so many years been in such denial of my sexual orientation and since I started meeting and having relationships with other queer people I think I have finally started to discover what may truly make me happy and is my true self... but that's for me to work out from experience I guess
It's definitely hard and i can't imagine how hard it is for you - but what i can say is it sounds like some of the changes you've come up with are really good steps towards your own happiness. It takes strength to do things that are really hard to make things better for the future 🙂
Hey @blissfulhope
Thanks for opening up I know what you're going through is really scary but the more you talk about it here and in other spaces the easier it will get. Have you reached out to anyone you trust about your feelings?
I want to assure you that you aren't alone. A few weeks ago we had a special discussion about sexuality and I'd encourage you to read through here. What's can be really helpful is leaning on LGBTIQ+ specific services that understand the unique experiences of queer people. Qlife is a great first point of contact - you can talk to someone via web chat or on their hotline 1800 184 527.
And of course, you're always welcome to chat about your feelings here
I'm so grateful for this space, at the moment it feels like the only place I can talk about this as I have very little support from those in my life at the moment. I have reached out to one or two close friends about my feelings, one of whom has since seemed to distance herself from me... I wish my friends and family weren't so homophobic. It just makes me so angry. Thank you for the resources and your support, @Bre-RO
@blissfulhope I'm so happy you feel safe to talk about your feelings here I'm sorry your friend has taken a step back from your friendship. Unfortunately this happens, but expanding your circle of queer friends is a really good idea and will help a lot.
Hey @blissfulhope I'm so glad to hear that the forums are a safe space for you to talk about this. We're here to support you as much as we can, and we accept you unconditionally
It can be so tough when people close to us are homophobic or hold similarly discriminatory views 😞
You mentioned that one of your friends seems to have distanced herself, I'm wondering how the other friend has reacted?
Looking forward to hearing from you 🙂
