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Anxiety making my work really stressful after hours
Hi everyone, I just want to share, I recently started a job working with children and my anxiety makes me really scared of hurting/having hurt them. For instance, today and a few times prior, I shut their laptops as a consequence of doing the wrong thing. I think I did so slowly and gently, but my anxiety is telling me I was aggressive and hurt them. I love my kids and would never want to hurt them, and I don't think I did, but my memory isn't always the best and I can't remember it that clearly so my anxiety is using it as fuel. It feels like a pressure in my chest and its quite upsetting. This type of anxiety tends to pop up every time I make a mistake or do anything slightly off at work and I hyper-fixate on them. I have a responsibility for these kids, and I feel it keenly.
TBH my anxiety is now constant, telling me I'm a terrible person, I should be fired, etc. It's stuffed up my sleep schedule by oversleeping and I dream about work. Idk if I'm depressed since while I feel I'm a s***ty person, and think I would be happy if I died, I wouldn't actually do it since I know it's wrong and it would hurt my family and friends. It goes away for a few days then hits me like a sledgehammer.
Comments
Hi @Dandelion_Pelican great work for posting here and getting that all off your chest!
I can totally relate to this anxiety, I work in a school and also fear that I may have overstepped, said or did something wrong. I am so sorry that you're feeling consumed by these thoughts, it must be really difficult and exhausting.
I think something that may be worthwhile is to write up a set of boundaries for yourself, a checklist of sorts with remainders about how you can be a supportive person in these children's lives. For example you could aim to: compliment at least 2 students today, remind a student how much they've improved, find a student who might be struggling and ask after their mental health or reassure them of support networks, set up something they enjoy like a Kahoot! or similar game.
Building rapport snd relationships with your kiddos really hard and it takes time, but I know by just how much you CARE and worry about the kids you work with, that you ARE an awesome person in their lives and are doing really well.
best of luck!
Hi BerdNurd, thanks, I'm so glad you can understand my concerns! I've recently trying to actively make positive comments to my kids and it's been so nice to see them visibly brighten when it happens. I'm only a relief worker, but bookings before lockdown being honoured means that I;ve been working with the same kids consistantly, which has allowed me to start building good rapport 🙂
You're doing an awesome job, I really hope you feel more comfortable and confident in your role.
If you don't mind me asking, since you work at a school. I feel guilty about something but my anxiety isn't letting me decide how serious it is 😥.
Today I was one of the senior staff members looking after a kid outside. Another staff member was technically supposed to be with them, but I brought them their food after lunch and no one was there. It was my break, but I didn't want to leave them. I went inside to quickly put some things away, and my longer serving colleague said I didn't need to stay with them as it was my break. Instead I took 2-3 min to find someone else who could watch from a distance. I didn't watch the kid in that time, and I think I technically had duty of care. So now I feel guilty as I'm supposed to maintain line of sight...
This kid has special needs, but doesn't really get into trouble usually. Lockdown has made staffing really hard.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling anxious and guilty about what happened recently @Dandelion_Pelican . Those can be some really tough emotions to sit with at times. Sounds like you were put into a really challenging situation, and it sucks that it has been playing on your mind. Do you have anyone that you can talk to at your work about this situation and your concerns?
Hi @Dandelion_Pelicanstarting a new job can be very stressful bring up a lot of anxiety, let alone with the extra pressure of thinking you are doing a good job. It sounds like you care for the children very much and it's very important to you that they have a wonderful experience. I can see that you like to be mindful of your actions towards them as anything less than care will hurt you deeply if you can see that in yourself. Is there anyone at work you are comfortable debriefing with? Maybe asking them how they would handle the situation you were in?
You say that this type of anxiety seems to pop up from time to time. Do you have any tools to help you through these times? Are you linked in with a counsellor, or have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of a mental health care plan? Would you consider speaking to Kids Helpline and chatting with someone to help you process your thoughts? Is there anything you can do calm and distract yourself?
I have spoken with some of my colleagues, however, many opinions seem to differ. No one has appeared particularly unhappy though. I have spoken with a GP who has shown me some online resources but I haven't used them yet. I'm avoiding a MHP at the moment because I will soon be taking an overseas job which has a questionaire about physical and mental health and I don't want to change the results from my original application.
My main concern at the moment is that one of my greatest fears is that I've accidentally been inappropriate with my kids, as my role has physical contact at times and that if I see a counsellor I will get myself into trouble or be misunderstood. (For the record I have not and will not ever purposefully do so). But as my role includes aspects such as assistance with toileting and sensory assistance at times, the boundary is not always as well defined as I would like.
Hi @Dandelion_Pelicanthat's great that no one appeared unhappy. It's common to have a difference of opinion with colleagues, this can be great as you can learn a lot from people who provide a different outlook on things. Do you think the resources will help you right now and do you think it would benefit you to start accessing them? Is there a reason why you think you would be in trouble if you spoke to a counsellor?
It's understandable that you may be worried with being inappropriate with children as some tasks require the physical contact. Is there some training you can do to know when you may or may not be overstepping boundaries? Indeed, working with children has that physical aspect attached to the work and it makes sense that you could be monitoring your behaviours with them. It sounds like you care for the children deeply and I recognise that you have their best interest at heart.
Congratulations on the overseas job, this must be very exciting for you. Will you be moving overseas, or will you be working here for a company overseas?
Hi MaryRO, the main reason I'm concerned is that the type of contact I usually perform is hard to understand outside of a special needs background and is not easily defined sometimes. I have discussed my concerns with my colleagues and they have said I’m fine.
I've actually been fortunate in that I will actually be working overseas for my new work which is exciting.
Hey @Dandelion_Pelican, talking to your colleagues seems like it would have been a really difficult thing for you to do. Good on you for finding the courage to reach out. Did it bring you any comfort? Do you still feel concerned?
Congratulations on your new role overseas! It sounds very exciting and very special to be moving overseas 🎉
Hi Taylor, I do feel a little better, though I'm now concerned I might have taken an extra-long break due to misreading the schedule, (I think it was technically supposed to be preperation time for the next session). But that is an issue to figure out tomorrow I guess. Thank you and Mary for your help, I do feel a lot better now, and I hope tomorrow goes well! Have a great week!
Hey @Dandelion_Pelican 😊 I'm glad you were doing a little better yesterday, and it sounds like you might have needed the break.
How are you feeling today?
Hi Emily,
I'm a bit better today, although every day brings new mistakes 😅. Today I was helping organise a cooking class and I forgot to ask about allergies, nothing happened, and there were longer term staff members with me, so I'm grateful for the lesson learned I guess.
That's so good to hear you're feeling a bit better today 😊 Small progress is still progress.
It's great that you can see it as a lesson learned! It was an honest mistake and the main thing is that it was okay in the end! 💙