Hi @MB95 , I am really sorry that you're going through all this. Trauma, work, uni, personal life; you have a lot on your plate. I know you may not see it that way, but you are doing so many things at the moment, that's amazing.
I can't offer any solutions or fixes, but I definitely relate to how you're feeling. The content I study is also really triggering for me, and it forces me to confront my childhood and past. Do you have an academic plan at your uni? I've found that registering my disability/mental illness has allowed me the extra time to not put so much stress on getting things done, and has made it ok to have shitty days.
The job thing I can also relate to, just this past Tuesday I couldn't go to work (or log in virtually, of course) because I was feeling like I was falling apart. It definitely also made me feel incompetent and like a failure 😞
Something that I've found to be helpful to me in these times of doubt is science, funnily enough. I don't study science but in my degree, I examine neuroscience and how the plasticity of the brain means that it is forever changing, forming and reforming. This means that despite our trauma continuing to affect us 10+ years later, there is an opportunity to 'rewire' our thought processes to orientate and cope with stress, triggers and feelings of hopelessness. Neuroscience also sees our development and growth (which doesn't just stop after pueburty but continues throughout our life!) as 'non-linear', meaning that as we change, we may regress or feel like we've 'gone backwards'. That is normal and an essential part of growing.
The brain is a funny thing, and I am really sorry that yours is struggling right now. It is okay to feel this way, and we are all hear to listen.
